Therapy And Reaction To It?

[Guest Orva26]

Today things are not loud, at least so far. Last night they were for a bit I actually did most of my sleeping on the ground wrapped in a blanket because that is where I ended up while thinking. The longing seems less and emotions are now in burst instead of consistent but they seem less in severity. There are even times when I have almost a complete dis-interest in this. Has anyone else gotten this as a result of prospective therapy?

Here is something I wrote on it today (the red text is added as I post):

This morning I awoke with morning wood. This does not distress or elate me. I spent time in bed maintaining it and thinking. I'm either maturing or regressing. My thoughts were, suppose I don't get HRT, suppose I am off base on this, and suppose this is just a strange mechanism to deal with bi-curiousness. If that were the case I would need to adjust to my transgenderism not being 100% sexual but still having the longing/fantasies. These thoughts are not/no longer where distressing.

Getting HRT still seems wonderful, all the physical/mental effects desirable. I am still not 100% in regards to the gentiles but I do recognize that penile arousal is only one kind of arousal, merely one state. There are hordes of ways to be sexual that don't involve those parts. There is still the nagging fact that I can and do become aroused on the description of the shifting sexualities, the shift from a male type arousal pattern to a female one induced by HRT.

Self gratification used to bring relief but now it grants me no clarity. In the immediate seconds afterward there is no, "OH god! What have I been doing?!" or conversely no, "OMG! GROSS! Why did I need to do that?" It might give me calm but it is proven that on male orgasm chemicals/hormones are released that do that.

Sometimes I feel as if I should cancel therapy, as if it would be a waste of time/money. But how could that be so?

Its the pain that you create that tears your very soul!

Is that what this is? Artificial pain, constructed in my mind? Even that thought causes no anger, no clear emotional response at all. I don't understand how it could be correct though, I have a history of fantasy with recent development into longing and a loss of interest in being male.

Am I dead inside or do I feel less because therapy and answers are foreseeable? Did anyone else get this way?

-Orva

[Guest Roxanna L]

Today things are not loud, at least so far. Last night they were for a bit I actually did most of my sleeping on the ground wrapped in a blanket because that is where I ended up while thinking. The longing seems less and emotions are now in burst instead of consistent but they seem less in severity. There are even times when I have almost a complete dis-interest in this. Has anyone else gotten this as a result of prospective therapy?

Welcome back, Orva!

Just for clarity's sake: do you mean 'therapy', as in the 'talking with someone' kind, or the 'hormonal' type? I'll assume the former...

I'll be as... forthcoming as I can be, you're my friend after all, and doing any less would feel like telling half truths, to me...

In my case, as far as emotions go, I've been through emotionally good days, and bad days. There are days my head is almost devoid of anything, and there are days my head feels like it's going to blow. I have only noticed a minor change in my emotions, before and after starting my therapy...

Your therapist will be asking questions of a more 'probing' nature, than you may be used to. He/she will be asking questions, related to what you said, earlier. Thus, to try and 'jog your head', as it were...

Digging through your own feelings, and your own mind, is not unlike peeling an onion. You have to strip away each layer, without damaging any. Each layer is different, and every time you peel one away, you need to stop, and think again.

Getting HRT still seems wonderful, all the physical/mental effects desirable. I am still not 100% in regards to the gentiles but I do recognize that penile arousal is only one kind of arousal, merely one state. There are hordes of ways to be sexual that don't involve those parts. There is still the nagging fact that I can and do become aroused on the description of the shifting sexualities, the shift from a male type arousal pattern to a female one induced by HRT.

I've tended to view the prospect of getting HRT in a similar light, for similar reasons. Like you, I feel a certain 'pull', a certain 'yearning' towards what it does.

But I've become somewhat apprehensive, because the risks are huge.

As much as I feel compelled to 'go for it', I will not do it, until I'm dead certain that that is what I need.

Self gratification used to bring relief but now it grants me no clarity. In the immediate seconds afterward there is no, "OH god! What have I been doing?!" or conversely no, "OMG! GROSS! Why did I need to do that?" It might give me calm but it is proven that on male orgasm chemicals/hormones are released that do that.

Sometimes I feel as if I should cancel therapy, as if it would be a waste of time/money. But how could that be so?

I know this nice contradiction all too well... The 'high' is followed either by confusion, or a 'low' so deep it could be a black hole...

Take it from me: therapy, it's worth every cent. It is not a waste of time or money, not by a long shot.

Trust me, you can't just stay here and discuss these things with us... you need to speak to an expert, period.

Doesn't mean I don't like these discussions.

Its the pain that you create that tears your very soul!

Is that what this is? Artificial pain, constructed in my mind? Even that thought causes no anger, no clear emotional response at all. I don't understand how it could be correct though, I have a history of fantasy with recent development into longing and a loss of interest in being male.

Pain is a signal to your mind, that something is wrong.

It does not matter, wether it is physical pain, or emotional pain. Something is wrong.

If you say that you've got pain, while you don't: that'd be lying. And I know you well enough, by now, to believe you are not lying about these things.

Am I dead inside or do I feel less because therapy and answers are foreseeable? Did anyone else get this way?[/i]

-Orva

Not at all, Orva. You're as much alive, as the day we first bumped heads.

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest JaniceW]

Orva,

You are not crazy!

When a mind is filled with a single thought process for a long period of time that stresses the ability of that mind to process things it can become obsessed. The imbalance of not knowing the answer clearly cause that mind to run at high RPMs in order to try to resolve what it percieves as th imbalance. When you take a step like making an appointment with a therapist that promisses to bring some balance back to that mind the mind will relax simply knowing that relief is forseeable. A perectly normal process of the mind.

Will the peace endure? Who knows? Will the obsession return? Time will tell.

See this appointment through. There is NO downside to this appointment. If you keep it and the session is not beneficial then don't go back again. If the session is beneficial, you win!!!! See, no downside. Nothing to lose.

[Drea]

Prospective therapy, I experienced mostly nerves.

As far as all the thinking and double thinking. My therapist used to call it mental masterbation.

In therapy you can expect to leave feeling better when you are down and if feeling great going in may come out feeling agitated.

My therapist yoused to have a sign in her bathroom that would read something like "So your feeling confused and agitated? My work is done". There is a good amount of truth in that because it is a process, stir thought. If one left feeling great everytime those thought processes might not get stirred.

[Guest Orva26]

When you take a step like making an appointment with a therapist that promisses to bring some balance back to that mind the mind will relax simply knowing that relief is forseeable. A perectly normal process of the mind.

Take it from me: therapy, it's worth every cent. It is not a waste of time or money, not by a long shot.

Trust me, you can't just stay here and discuss these things with us... you need to speak to an expert, period.

Both of these are very right.

Honestly if I don't explore this more in depth all I'm going to do is be drawn more and more into my own head. And when I return there, all is not well... I usually end up hunched over myself in a blanket. Doubt is a natural thing but it is also a particularly annoying one because my mind can use it to run/deny. When everything was fantasy running was easy but after my bout with hypnosis, learning more about actual transgenderism, coming here, and various other things I think my mind has learned the fantasy to be running. I still get aroused at the concept of being female but now it is not a compulsion.

Another most interesting aspect is the question that pops into my mind every now and then, "Why can't I be happy? Why is this not enough?" This is in regards to becoming independent and obtaining a great job. I also get the question of, "Can I risk everything?" and today I did something to address it. Big thing is regardless of where I end up I DO NOT want to lose this new found independence. So I actually went and sought out the anti-harassment/discrimination policy of my company. Gender Identity is explicitly stated! I kind of wanted to check that because from my memory there was a court case in the USA that extended Gender Identity to these kind of policies but not every company truly recognizes that. I would still need to watch out though... based on documents I signed when hired I think the company has the right to let me go for ANY reason during the first year I am there... kind of a 'try before you buy' period.

But this is good, I think I'll have a better mindset tomorrow at work knowing that regardless of out come I wouldn't be putting that at risk at least.

As far as all the thinking and double thinking. My therapist used to call it mental masterbation.

I hope you know how many naughty puns this setup for me.

I do agree with it though. I will also keep in mind that therapy will be a mixed bag, i.e. going won't make me steadily feel better. Big important thing for me is to keep honest throughout the whole process. I know I could 'cook the books' and I am smart enough to but that would really be setting myself up for destruction. There is one issue from my past that will probably take a while to sort out, and it is one thing that I haven't really allowed myself to sort out so I should probably attack that head on. If I don't I'll probably leave therapy wondering why I didn't.

Right now though, the big important thing is making myself something that bears some kind of semblance to a lunch and going to sleep.

-Orva

[Guest RadioheadRachael]

My advice to you, Orva, is to let your mind wander, doubt, and theorize all it wants to in the days leading up to your appointment. Try not to invest emotionally in your thoughts or try to find a pattern/consistency in your thoughts. Allow yourself the freedom to think and feel whatever you do in the moment, and know that feeling a certain way for 5 seconds or thinking one thought does not define you.

It seems like you really need this appointment for a little peace of mind and someone to just listen to you. Even if you are convinced by appointment day that your transgenderism was a projection of something else, see the appointment through.

Anyway good luck . I liked your pics, you look cute!