Confused

[Guest Micia]

I’m an 18 years old “XY” and I remember very little of my past, but I remember that I’ve never had any female friends until a few months ago and I never felt there was anything wrong with my gender. I suffer from social anxiety though, so I’ve had only a couple of male friends, I’ve never been into a relationship and I’ve been alone for all of my life. I never participated in any stereotypical male activity (I hate sports, bikes, cars...) but I also never did anything feminine either, probably because I have never had any social life. No-one who knows me would ever suspect that I’m not a straight male.

Looking back on those times I remember that I often tried to suppress my identity, to hide my emotions and to avoid anything that could make me happy, sometimes because I was scared of being considered gay or effeminate but usually that was due to my social anxiety alone.

About 3 years ago I discovered that I was sexually aroused by the though of being a woman, even in non-sexual contexts (i.e. being a girl and hanging out with my girlfriends). I never really cared about these thoughts because I just considered them as fetishes. In the last few months however I started losing interest in sex (I became almost asexual) and I started feeling a strong non-sexual desire to become a woman. Since then I feel the need to behave in a more feminine way, to make new (girl)friends and I lost any interest in hanging out with boys (which, to be honest, I always found of little interest). I feel really bad any time someone tells me that I’m not a girl (as in “you boys are so....”) and I’d really want to be accepted by girls as one of them. A few days ago I hinted to my friend (a girl) that I wasn’t really “straight”: she thought I was gay and was very excited about it. Since that day I’m trying to become gay to be accepted by girls without having to “transition”, but as you may imagine this is not working out. I’m not sure if I’d still want to change sex if I was accepted by girl, maybe I just want to be one of them socially but not necessarily physically. Also, I always thought that transgender people behave as members of the opposite sex since their childhood, but that’s not my case so I wonder if I’m really transgender or maybe something else. I’m scared that I’ll change my mind after transitioning, or that I won’t be passable and people will be scared of me (which is even worse if you suffer from social anxiety).

Sometimes I feel very excited (YAY, I’M A BOY WITH A GIRL BRAIN! I’M SO COOL!), but I also have moments of depression (I’ll never be a girl, I’ll always be alone, I’m neither a girl nor a boy so I can’t relate to anybody...).

I’m already planning to talk to a therapist, but in the meantime I can’t keep it to myself so that’s why I’m writing here.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Micia,

Welcome to Laura's. There are lots of us that have been and in some ways are still a little confused about who and what we are (besides being ourselves). Hopefully, we can give some guidance or support, help you find what you're looking for.

Just so I'm not confused, you say you're an 'xy' which suggests a natal (born) male (and so do a few of your comments) but your Gender Selection says FT?. Usually that means you were born female but you're unsure of what you feel you are right now. Let me tell you, gender selection when one is unsure as most of us have been at one time or another can be confusing in itself. So, I'm guessing you were born male but are unsure of that, unsure if you're feeling female and want to go there, unsure of your future. Let me know if I'm wrong, and I will sincerely apologize.

Anyway, welcome and hopefully we can help. And one thing we always recommend (for everyone!) is to find a gender therapist that you can talk to. The good ones are trained and understand us and can help.

Hugs

Chloe

[Guest Micia]

Hi Micia,

Welcome to Laura's. There are lots of us that have been and in some ways are still a little confused about who and what we are (besides being ourselves). Hopefully, we can give some guidance or support, help you find what you're looking for.

Just so I'm not confused, you say you're an 'xy' which suggests a natal (born) male (and so do a few of your comments) but your Gender Selection says FT?. Usually that means you were born female but you're unsure of what you feel you are right now. Let me tell you, gender selection when one is unsure as most of us have been at one time or another can be confusing in itself. So, I'm guessing you were born male but are unsure of that, unsure if you're feeling female and want to go there, unsure of your future. Let me know if I'm wrong, and I will sincerely apologize.

Anyway, welcome and hopefully we can help. And one thing we always recommend (for everyone!) is to find a gender therapist that you can talk to. The good ones are trained and understand us and can help.

Hugs

Chloe

Sorry, I wanted to select MT? but I clicked on FT? by mistake. My bad.

I was born male, but now I want to become female. I’m not sure about that though, because I started feeling like that only recently.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hey, that's all right, as Flo says 'Happens to me all the time' (Progessive Insurance commercial on TV).

You'll find lots of people on Laura's here that came to the feeling at totally different times in their lives. Some (like me) as young children, some in their teens, some as full fledged adults. It varies for everyone.

That's part of the reason why we recommend seeing a Gender Therapist (GT) because he or she might be able to really help you work your way through how you feel and maybe what you really want.

And there is no specific timetable. We have lots of teens here going through transitioning, and a number of adults in their 50's and 60's and all ages in between. Tho, I wouldn't recommend waiting until you're that age, unless that's what you want, or other factors intervene (like trying one's hardest to live as one's birth self, usually against all odds, and more often than not, losing). The goal is to get yourself to where you feel good about yourself and know that your outward appearance matches your inward feelings and understandings, and then get going on the rest of your life.

And there are some of us who have chosen not to investigate transitioning for a number of reasons, and we live a sort of dual life, mostly our birth sex, but indulging in our desires when we can, and to all sorts of degrees.

So, lots to read here, ask questions, join in conversations. It's all available.

Hugs

Chloë

[JenniferB]

Welcome to Laura's Playground Micia,

I'm glad you are here and the forums in LP are loaded with a library of information. You might want to read the forums to find information that can help you to find yourself. You may also want to join the chat rooms. I'm sure there are many members there who are willing to talk with you and help you. I know you want to see a therapist and I strongly recommend that route. I'm sure there will be many here who also recommend the same. The reason is a GT will work with you and help determine what is best for you. Just be honest with the therapist so that she (personally I like dealing with women) can lead you in the right direction.

I hope you find yourself

Jenny

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WELCOME

You wrote: I’m already planning to talk to a therapist, but in the meantime I can’t keep it to myself so that’s why I’m writing here.

Two great moves! Yes, your story is familiar to most everyone as how it feels...

Lizzy