My Brother Hates My Girlfriend

[Guest qmelqisqsaq]

My MTF partner just moved in with me and my family. After a week or so, my older brother started throwing things and yelling at her. He even went in her room and spit on her bed. I asked my mom to talk to him and he told my mom that the whole reason he was doing that to my girlfriend was because he hated me and has for a long time. My brother and I used to get along fairly well, so I have no idea what I did to make him do this. The worst part is that the reason he says he's doing all this to my girlfriend and not me is because my girlfriend is a guy. So not only does the poor thing have to deal with the unpredictable harassment, but he has to deal with it because he's stuck in the body that he doesn't want. We've been racking our brains trying to think of a way to make him stop without escalating what he does. We've already tried buying him a couple of his favorite snacks, giving him some tobacco for his hookah, and just not doing anything at all when he does something. I've tried standing up for her, but my brother refuses to take issue with me because I'm a girl (which really infuriates me as I'm a fervent feminist). My mom has talked to him about it around five times, but he seems to show a complete lack of remorse. We don't know what to do. I just want her to have SOMEWHERE to be comfortable.

[Paula ult]

I am guessing since she just moved in with your family, moving out and getting a place of your own is out of the question, you make no mention of your father only your mother so i guess he is out of the picture or has issues too, your mother has to deal with your brother more forcefully, there has to be consequences for his behavior, maybe his friends know and are egging him on to do things, either way that is not a good situation both of you are in right now, wish i could help more, maybe someone else will have more ideas.

Paula

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Toxic situation - I don't know what to say. Your girlfriend technically is not part of your family.

Lizzy

[Guest AlyTheGreatAngel]

I know I know...many will tell u to talk to him....but if that dont workk...thennn ouuuuuee its time to get even and above>....try to do the same to him spit on his bed.....make fun of his girlfriend...intimedate his girlfriend....make his life miserable so he sees how it feels...hes a Jerk he doesnt understand reason...so I reckon treat him the way his small mind understands:)

[Guest qmelqisqsaq]

My parents are divorced, so it's just my mom. She thinks that it'd be better to figure out a way to get him to cooperate with us than to punish him because punishment won't make him see that it's wrong, it'll just make him mad.

We're both in school, so money is pretty tight. I don't think we'll be able to move out for a while.

I do think his friends are in on it. Most of them used to hang out with me, but hang out with him instead now. If my sources are correct, they don't like me all that much either. I did call the one guy that still likes me to ask him what's going on, but he had no idea.

Another problem: my girlfriend and I both have really guilty consciences. If we tried to get back at him, we'd both feel awful no matter how much he deserved it (plus we're trying our hardest not to escalate this..we don't want to make him mad and make it worse).

My brother's girlfriend is a really nice person and doesn't deserve to be dragged into this. She's even invited us to go on a double date with them, but we declined for reasons that I think are obvious.

Thank you so much for your suggestions, but as you can see, it's a tricky situation.

[Guest Barbie]

Safety is your prime consideration. Your girlfriend needs and deserves to be in a safe environment and her leaving until a time when you can get a place together is the only solution I see for the immediate.

I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I see a time problem here and I don't think you have the luxury of "time" to work through this with your brother. The advice for anyone living in a threatening and potentially violent situation is always to leave. If not both of you -- then she, definately.

I would advise you to put down any temptation to find solutions through mutual friends of your brother's, for many obvious reasons. Retaliation, buying him things and pleading (as you have seen) also will not work.

If you suspect that your girlfriend is in any danger from him, then the only thing you need to consider is a change in the living situation, at least for her protection. You used the term "unpredictable" when describing your brother's behaviors.

[Guest Jenth]

Not a pretty situation. Why did she move in with you in the first place? If she can't move out then you should get a lock for her bedroom door. Also as much as he is family it may be a viable solution to call authorities outside of your family (police) and report his harassing behavior. Retaliating in kind is as you already know the second worst thing you can do, with the worst being to attempt to ignore it. Moving her out is a good suggestion if it's viable though I assume it's not since you mentioned you were both poor students. Getting a restraining order may complicate things since they both live under the same roof though I'd suggest at least looking into it. I'm unfamiliar with the options present in such a maneuver. Yes going to such measures will aggravate him and probably your mom as well but it sounds to me like it may just be necessary and it'll raise the stakes for him and show that you're serious about having this situation change.

Hope things change soon

Jenth

[Guest littleboombox]

How old is your brother?

Throw the items back at your brother, or if your brother spits all over her sheets, change your brother's and your girlfriend's sheets and go "Hey, it's your spit, you sleep on it." Sometimes you just have to stoop down to his level in order to deal with him, and "having a guilty conscience" is not a good excuse.

You say your brother is "unpredictable" and you probably mean that your brother will get worse as you guys fight back. If it reaches a point where he physically assaults your girlfriend, you can file her bruises and marks as proof of assault and get your brother arrested if he's 18. Tell him that. Hopefully you don't live in a conservative area where the police won't do their job just because of your girl's identity. Threaten to call the police if your brother doesn't change his attitude.

[Guest qmelqisqsaq]

This situation is even more complex because my little sister and my parents' divorce are involved, too. I stood up to my brother last weekend and he threatened my girlfriend again. We got him out of the house with the help of his friend, because his friend just looked embarrassed by the way my brother was acting. We talked to my mom about it again, and she said that if he threatens my girlfriend again or does one more thing to her, he'll be kicked out of the house. My dad (who's abusive) has already tried to make the case that my house isn't safe with my brother around because he's had a possession charge against him, so my mom thinks that if she allows him to act like this and stay in the house, it'll make her look bad to the court. She can't have that, and since my girlfriend isn't causing any of it, my brother's out and not her. So, while it kind of sucks because we still have to live afraid of what he's going to do next, we at least have the wonderful reassurance that if he crosses the line one more time, he's out.

Yay! and..eek!

[Guest littleboombox]

Sounds like a win-win situation to me.