Lost And Confused

[Guest chrissy1977]

Hi all I'm new and was wondering if you could give me some thoughts and help me find my true self. I am a married male in my early thirties and father of 4 lovely kids. I love my wife, kids and even love my job but something is missing and has been since I was a child. I have in various stages of my life cross dressed from s very early age, I can remember wearing my sisters clothes when I was around five and this vontinued on and off until my late teens. Then there was a gap when I got married and had kids. I wish I could say it was for sexual excitment or arousal but it is not and never has been. Over the last five years I have built up a secret wardrobe of clothing and when im home alone I dress as a woman, I have spent a week living as a woman while my wife and kids were on holiday. I only truly feel content when dressed en femme. I wear ladies underwear every day as it kees me saine. My wife obviously is aware of the briefs but nothing more. We discussed it once and she was ok. But told me straight she wasn't a lesbian. I'm not sure what she meant but I have never seriously thought of myself as anything other than a cross dresser until that day. Something in me isn't right and I dont know whether I am cd, or its deeper. I try to block it out but the older I get the more it controls my thoughts. Help

[Guest JaniceW]

Chrissy,

Welcome to Laura's. Come on in and have a seat, kick off your shoes and relax. Someone will be right along with the goodie cart.

Please take a moment to read the Terms and Conditions. This is a moderated site and we try to keep things at a PG-13 level for our younger members. Don't be nervous you did not do or say anything wrong, we ask everyone to read the terms.

I read your post with great interest and I can tell you thatyou are not alone. Hang around and read what othes have to say. You will see parts of yourself in there. Respond and give folks your point of view on things, it will help you to solidify your thoughts.

There is abit of a montra here, "See a gender therpist." Gender therapists are therapists with specialized training on gender identity problems. The answers to your questions must come from YOU, but a GT can help you to sort things out and figure out what is going on for you. A GT is the first step in sorting out what you have going on and what, if anything, you need to do about it.

Again, welcome, it is great having you here.

[Guest chrissy1977]

Thanks for the welcome, your right maybe I should see a gt but atm its an expense I cannot afford, and tbh I'm scared to find out what I fear I already know. On the one hand I have everything a man should want a great wife and kids something I value above everything else, but on the other I know something isn't right. I don't feel that i'm a woman trapped in a mans body but why do I only feel comfortable when I wear clothes for a woman. Why when I dream am I mostly always a woman in them. These are the questions I suppose a gt would help me answer but atm that will have to wait. I struggle to sleep an have for aslong as I remember these questions have been following me around for as long as I remember. I feel at times that my secret life can stay that way, but everytime I convince myself its just me been intouch with my en femme side, the dreams get more frequent the sleeping gets harder. The need to wear female clothes gets stronger. I read these forums looking for answers but struggle to accept what deep down I know. But as I said I don't feel like a woman trapped in a mans body, but I don't feel like a man either. Maybe I am just a cross dresser maybe a transvestite, I don't know but I'm dont feel tg and reading about others I don't exibit the inner knowing that I am female. But why did I wear my sisters clothes at such an early age. I had a fantastic childhood and my sisters were not given any different treatment than myself, nothing makes sense and it continues to get worse. I suppose atm I just hope that from others experiences I can get some better understanding of the help I will need, and a better understanding of who I really am.

Thanks all

[Guest JaniceW]

All of the questions you are asking are the same ones I and so many others have asked ourselves too. Check out the page here at Laura's that lists Therapists, there are some internet based therapists that can to be much less expensive than you might think.

Your story is so much like mine, wearing my sister's clothes as a child, playing with her dolls. The secret life is familiar to me too, along with the guilt I always felt for hiding, lying, and the disgust that I felt that I was doing something terribly wrong.

The questions will haunt for a while until you get it sorted out for yourself. You have to get to know who you really are first, then come to accept who you really are. Once you reach that point you will be able to share with others the real self you carry inside, whoever that may be.

Whether you are a cross dresser, transgendered, transsexual, androgynous, gender queer, or whatever else is only a label for one small part of who you are. We folksd who are gender confused tend to focus all of our attention on the gender part of self realization, but self realization is a much bigger thing than just gender, gender is part of it. Gender dysphoria can really make that part be overwhelming to us, but it is still only part of who we are.

Spend some time here, read posts from others and you will see parts of yourself in them. You won;t see anyone who is exactly like you because you are a special and unique person, but you will see similarities. Respond with your ideas, thoughts and feelings and you will be learning about yourself as you try to understand and support others.

Remember, through all of this, that you are a good person, you are worthy of being able to be yourself.

[Guest Emily Ray]

I think that on my journey through transition the first thing I accepted about myself was that I enjoyed crossdressing. I quit feeling guilty over it and allowed myself the freedom to explore what I am. I like you didn't feel like a woman trapped in the wrong body either. There was just too much cultural pressure and my own denial to make that leap all in one jump. But, as I spent more and more time en femme I realized that I was indeed a woman trapped in the wrong body.

I was free to explore everything without the fears related to having a marriage. It must exert a great deal of pressure upon you to keep up appearances for everyone you love. You do need to keep your wife informed of all your decisions and discuss with her how things are changing for you. If you are truly TG it will only get worse with time and that in itself makes it kind of obvious in the end what you are.

Huggs

Emily