Hello From Yet Another Newbie

[Guest Tara Ann]

So I'm 30 and in all that time I've pretty much tried repressing the woman inside me, not even once have I given in to the urge to cross-dress. But just recently I've been really struggling to accept myself as a man to the point of considering seeing my GP about it. I kinda had a 'relapse' when I read the NHS expects you live as woman for 2 years before you get hormone treatment. I can't handle that and I was gonna just give up and go back to repressing but then I found this message board. Reading the words of women who are like me but so happy and normal too makes me feel like I found something, the first good something in my life for years. So I'm hoping to stick around... maybe some of the courage and strength you folks have in buckets will rub off on me.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Well come on in! You Brits have different criteria, and here in the USA we go HRT and then the Full Time Living. I have been full time for a while, and ... well... yes - I made it! And I say if the choice to transition is in your future, its difficult, but doable.

Stay with us and we will try to help you with your questions.

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Lizzy

[Guest Emily Ray]

Welcome to Laura's it is a wonderful place to find support! I found my courage here and it has made life worth living again. I am happy just being me I really hope you can find the same here.

huggs

Emily

[Sally]

Hello Tara,

Do come in and relax, it is no fun sitting around alone when there are so many friendly people right here.

Won't you stay had have some of my fresh baked cookies, Donna Jean has just made a fresh pot of hot cocoa.

Welcome to the family, a very large and loving extended family.

Love ya,

Sally

[JenniferB]

I am so sorry Tara Ann that the laws in GB are antiquated. You've desired to live as a woman all your life and had to hide it. That's a shame GB has that criteria. Anyway you obviously know what to do. You are starting the process and that is a good thing. Just be yourself and HRT will be here before you know it. You've fought this for so long that all you need to do is start walking the path to womanhood. You have tried to hold back for so long I bet you have the patience to finish the goal. Just keep moving forward and your dream to become your true self will come true. And welcome to the forums.

BTW you should read the terms and conditions if you haven't already. We keep this site PG-13 for all the younger members.

I know you will continue your journey. There is a lot to learn. If you know someone who will help, use them and be thankful. This should help you pass the time before you start HRT.

Jenny

[Guest Tara Ann]

Thank you for the welcome everyone. I want to say so much more buts it's 5am so I'm gonna listen to my body for once and sleep.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Tara, and good morning (or good afternoon by now).

Well, two new Brits in one day. Must be the second coming of the British Invasion (I was a wee lad of 10 during the last one).

But I'm glad you found us, so hop into the Member's Lounge and help yourself to some hot cocoa and a plate of Sally's cookies.

Please do post in any of the forums, hon, and don't be shy. We are (mostly) harmless, and I'm just a Munchkin anyway and could only

kick you in the knee. We will always be here for you to answer any question. Just keep in mind the time difference, as posts done in the early morning U.S. eastern time might not be answered right away.

I look forward to hearing more about you, and from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Tara Ann]

Jenny I've read that over & over and at points you almost had me believing I can do this. I've got no-one to rely on if I move ahead with this I'll be properly on my own for the first time ever. But I think I could handle that. The system though is looking insurmountable to me. I'm a go with the flow, make the best of a bad situation kind of guy woman. But the NHS, boy it looks too much for me. But we'll see. I'll take some tiny baby steps, think positive and see what happens.

Carolyn Marie, I am usually very shy as it happens, anywhere else and I'd never start a thread yet alone go back to see the responses. But here I feel different I guess the girl me is the more out going one.

Oh, and HUGS FOR EVERYONE. I should've said that last night, but I was half asleep at the keyboard so forgive my rudeness.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh Tera Ann - I do hope you stay! We have so many gentle souls here and there is always room for one more.

Lizzy

[Guest Tara Ann]

It's funny but when you posted that I had just realised I have to force myself to leave. I don't have self-esteem enough to pick up a phone and arrange a GP appointment over a serious but treatable illness that's been ruining my life for 6 years, yet I deluded myself I would pick it up to ask the GP to refer me to a gender therapist. I'm an absolute idiot. I'll just carry on making the best of it and dreaming for better because that's all I've ever done or ever will do. I'm really sorry for wasting everyone's time I didn't mean too. But from the bottom of my heart I thank you all for saying nice things to me in this thread, you gave me the happiest day of my life.

Why am I telling you all this when you don't care? Because I once started an emotional thread on a message board in a moment of weakness and the embarrassment meant I could never go back. I think more embarrassment is the only way I'll stay away from Laura's Playground.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Please don't turn that all around? You can stay and just post a note or two when you feel confident. People have started here from some very deep holes and have gradually learned their own value in this world. We always say 'baby steps' and that's how most of us have to work it.

Lizzy

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Tara Ann,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Tara Ann]

Please don't turn that all around? You can stay and just post a note or two when you feel confident. People have started here from some very deep holes and have gradually learned their own value in this world. We always say 'baby steps' and that's how most of us have to work it.

Lizzy

That's good advice and thank you for being nice when I didn't deserve it. I'm frustrated because I thought admitting I'm transgender and joining here was a big step but it wasn't. I've only succeeded in making myself feel worse than ever because I made transition feel obtainable when it's no more so than at any other time. Even if I get myself referred to an NHS therapist tomorrow it does no good, I can't do a RLT of any length in my present circumstances so they won't help me and that makes it another dead end not a step forward. That doesn't mean I'll give up but I have to try to forget womanhood and work on my other issues first.

I didn't even intend to type any of that, I just wanted to apologise to everyone because I don't usually react like that, I usually keep all my feelings inside where they belong. I obviously can't stay away, I feel drawn here, but I'll try to avoid posting because I don't want it all pouring out again. Again everyone my apologies.

[Guest JaniceW]

happiest day of my life.

Why am I telling you all this when you don't care? Because I once started an emotional thread on a message board in a moment of weakness and the embarrassment meant I could never go back. I think more embarrassment is the only way I'll stay away from Laura's Playground.

Tara Ann,

Well no one I know of here will ever make you feel embarrassed, especially for posting about how you feel. Everyone of us, to a soul, has been at the point you are now at sometime in the past. I know I was. I had reached a point that I believed that accepting myself was the biggest mistake I ever could have made. Why? Because it meant that transition was a possibility, even if remote, and that meant that there was seomthing that I didn't have that I could have, but I believed that I never would have it.

Honey, that ain't the truth! Things change, circumstances change, we change, and what we once thought impossible becomes very possible.

Stick around, and when you are hurting tell us about it. When you feel good tell us about that too. You will never be embarrassed here, not by anyone I know of.

[Guest DésiréeG]

Tara Ann, joining here was a HUGE step, don't fool yourself. Transition may not seem easy and it may seem like it's impossible, but it isn't. It's hard for sure, but it will be the best thing you have ever done. You only get one life, this one. It's your life and no one else s. If transition is what you want and what you need, then call and get that gender therapist and do it. You can't let what other people may say stand in your way. When they start living your life, then they get a say, until then, all the choices are yours. You made a huge step today by coming here. You can make another one.

[Guest Tara Ann]

Tara Ann, joining here was a HUGE step, don't fool yourself. Transition may not seem easy and it may seem like it's impossible, but it isn't. It's hard for sure, but it will be the best thing you have ever done. You only get one life, this one. It's your life and no one else s. If transition is what you want and what you need, then call and get that gender therapist and do it. You can't let what other people may say stand in your way. When they start living your life, then they get a say, until then, all the choices are yours. You made a huge step today by coming here. You can make another one.

It is impossible.

Even if I go to see my family doctor tomorrow I won't get the help I need. I'll be put on a waiting list (probably 3 months) to attend a Gender Identity Clinic, once there I'll be told to start a two year Real Life Test and only after that will I get hormones. I'll say "can't do that. I can't pass without hormones, I'm not prepared at all, I own no women's clothing, my family may well destroy me mentally if I come out while still living with them and I can't move out due to lack of money..." They'll probably tell me I'm obviously not serious about transitioning and goodbye.

Thanks for being supportive and everything, but with all my issues I can't think of transition for now and I'm beyond the support anyone on the internet can offer. The only reason I come here is because the company of everyone here lifts my depressive mood for a few hours.

[Guest ignota]

Hello Tara, welcome I'm British and very new too

For what it's worth, I'm scared of everything and still quite confused inside, but I'm just trying to change tiny tiny things a little bit at a time, like Lizzy said. Like just changing my handwriting slightly to be ever so slightly more feminine - as small as that, but it really does make me feel better. If you're worried about people noticing, make the changes even smaller or in different places, even in your head, so that only you could possibly notice. It's the fact that you've changed something that's important. Don't worry about the bigger picture - even baby steps get you somewhere different.

I hope that helps, it might just help you feel a little better. A little bit of the glow you get from Laura's to carry around with you

[Guest Karen K]

Tara Ann,

Please don't give up after you admitted your GID to us. We are here for you. I too, resisted for many, many years my own gender conflict. Where did it get me? Almost to the point of doing harm to myself. That woke me up! I started seriously going to a gender therapist, which has since cost me my marriage. Beleive me, I have had some low points since starting transition and I'm sure I'll have many more. And though I've started HRT five months ago, I am far from "showing" any secondary female charcteristics. However, I have started venturing out as my true self. Yes, I am nervous and even fearful at times, but it is something we all must do if we're to actually achieve what we want.

I started well before being approved for HRT with a "simple plan". Things like growing my hair out, seeing a therapist, begin voice training (taped course), start a weight management routine (exercise, watch what and how much you eat), tell someone (a relative, a close friend, even someone here) to get support and most important, be patient, be patient, be patient (that is exactly how I wrote it in my journal, 3 times).

I have a saying: "You can not change your yesterdays, but you can change your tomorrows"

Hugs,

Laura Jane

[Guest]

Hi Tara Ann,

I too was like Laura Jane - at the point of desperation and on the verge of self-harm. Please don't let it get to that point! I suppose it's possible to hide from GID all of your life - I thought I could - but the evidence is that it won't go away.

You don't have to do anything immediately - just hang out here at Laura's and learn. It won't be as overwhelming if you take everything one step at a time. A good first step is to just get comfortable with yourself - you are who you are - and it's okay!

I do look forward to hearing more from you!

Love, Kat

[Guest DésiréeG]

It is impossible.

Even if I go to see my family doctor tomorrow I won't get the help I need. I'll be put on a waiting list (probably 3 months) to attend a Gender Identity Clinic, once there I'll be told to start a two year Real Life Test and only after that will I get hormones. I'll say "can't do that. I can't pass without hormones, I'm not prepared at all, I own no women's clothing, my family may well destroy me mentally if I come out while still living with them and I can't move out due to lack of money..." They'll probably tell me I'm obviously not serious about transitioning and goodbye.

Thanks for being supportive and everything, but with all my issues I can't think of transition for now and I'm beyond the support anyone on the internet can offer. The only reason I come here is because the company of everyone here lifts my depressive mood for a few hours.

No one here is living your life or in your exact circumstances, so no one here can say "it's not impossible" for you. Only you know what you are capable of enduring. so I won't be an ignorant cheerleader and push you just because. I will tell you this: hormones won't change much in regards to passing. Not to minimize them, but from a purely physical basis, if you are past puberty, they aren't going to give you instant breasts and hips, they won't remove facial hair, they won't change your voice. If you can pass with them, you can pass without them. And despite how it may seem, passing isn't about how you look. It's about how you act. A good gender therapist isn't going to throw you into a real life test if you aren't ready and they won't kick out for not being serious if your life circumstances prevent it. A good therapist will help you map out the road ahead of you so it doesn't seem so daunting. They aren't going to make you do anything you aren't ready for. They don't expect you to show up dressed as a woman the first day or even the 5th. These things have no time table except the one you give it. I was seeing a therapist for 9 months before I started my RLT and it was 12 years after that before I got GRS. It's not a race. It's your life.

If all you can do right now is come here and have your spirits lifted, then please do that. As I said, I don't know your life or your situation, but I do know that you made the effort to join here and that's something. Just keep doing those little somethings and you'll see how far you can really go.

[Guest Tara Ann]

First off ladies thank you for for showing some concern. It's not something I'm used to and you've made me cry a little but in a good way.

Okay, how to put this...? Being transgendered/sexual/whatever isn't my only issue. Since I was 10 or 11 I've had low self-esteem which has robbed me of two-thirds of my life. I don't do anything apart from sit at home and go to work. Whenever I try doing something towards my gender issues, like practising my walk, the self-esteem issue sits there as the elephant in the room. When I do think of it it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall head first and it starts off a really nasty bout of depression.

Basically I feel need to deal with the self-esteem issue first and somehow start making more money so I can get my own place to break an endless 20 year cycle and move forward. Only then will I have the space and breathing room to deal with my gender issues if I can. I just don't know how to do any of this on my own, but one way or another I'll have to.

Thanks again, and don't worry I won't be harming myself in any way. Worse comes to worse I'll just continue the never ending cycle...

[Guest Tara Ann]

Oh Désirée - I forgot to say - hormones aren't a miracle I know. But they would help with my gorilla-like body hair and maybe, from what I hear, with my head hair loss. But mainly it's the injustice of it all. They made that wait two years requirement in the 60s at a time when they would pump a man full of female hormones if he was found guilty of being homosexual. The father of modern computing, Alan Turing, killed himself after being given that 'cure'. It's all about humiliation and we shouldn't be forced through such an indignity in the 21st century.

[JJ]

Tara Ann,

If you go back even a couple of months and read my posts you will see that I said exactly the same things. There are very good reasons I can't transition and there was only one reason to do so. It was the only way I could go on. When I reached that point I decided I would transition no matter what it took, no matter what the price. Amazingly many of the barriers I saw turned out to be easier to surmount than I anticipated. Once I decided I would do this no matter what, my perceptions changed and I began to see ways to do it.

Now I present male full time and I am on T. It hasn't made my life easy or perfect. It has been the realization of a lifetime dream. It is worth it.

In truth transitioning is only impossible for medical reasons. Otherwise instead of impossible it is usually just very difficult and the price may be higher than you are willing to pay right now. But it is not impossible.

Circumstances change-keep heart that this is not necessarily a dream denied but a dream delayed.

In the meantime we are here for you and understand your pain and your feelings.

Hugs

John