And Everything Is Gone

[Guest Mori]

I have spent a year and a half trying to formulate my identity. And while I reconize that a mere year and a half is not really such a long time, It sure feels like forever. I had reached a point where I was happy and knew I was really a man. I told a few friends from my old colleges QSA and my mom. Then it came to my brothers. two of them took it well, they were understanding and supportive as everyone has been so far. Then the kicker, my third brother the oldest of them. His reaction blew a hole in my identity which I can't seem to patch up. His reaction was more or less: "whatever but don't expect me to ever support you or see you as anything but what god created you. A girl." Then he promised to start looking up scripture refrences to show me how wrong and sick what i was saying was. I cried for a couple days until my therapy appointment for the week. After that had got me calmed down I made the desicion that knowing who I was, was to painful so I went to my brothers and took it back.

Now I am back to not knowing anything about myself. I mean if I took one rejection that hard what happens when there are others. Its made me so afraid that I have willingly gone back into the closet, locked the door and slid the key under the door so I can't reach it...Wow I hope that made sense. I'm just at a loss of what to do. I can't talk to my therapist about this too much because he doesn't know how to deal with issues of gender. he is helping work through other things that are linked to gender, but he just doesn't know how to help me for the most part. I keep going because I can see him for free and that is crucial, as I have no income.

I'm wondering if anyone else here has had experiances like mine and can tell me how they came to know who they were again (or even for the first time)

[Guest Emily Ray]

That is a scary scary story! I think you gave up to fast and ran away to quickly. It is OK that you did! you just cant stay there. You know who you are! Who God made you to be! I as a christian myself am ashamed at how your older brother handled himself. He is the one who is in need of education not you! Let him look for those scriptures. You also need to get prepared by reading an essay that is posted in the spirituality forum. Here is the link!

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=18286

I suggest you read it several times and have a copy printed out for whenever your brother gets his ready!

You are being who God made you to be! There is medical evidence that proves there is a biological reason for the feelings you have. I dont want to be mean to your brother, he just needs to be informed of the real truth. Unfortunately as the only trans person he may ever know intimately it falls on you to be responsible for teaching him the truth.

I am sorry hon that this happened to you! I love you and I still know who you are. a very precious creature of God's a man that had to be born a girl! God loves you as the individual you are not because you are a boy or girl or trans!

Huggs

Emily

[Drea]

I have observed many experience what you describe along with the crisis in belief that follows rejection.

What I think happens often is that as a result of the gender incongruence causing one to try and fit into a role that is ill suited to them. To fit the expectations of others. When combined with a generally low self esteem can result in a subconcious desire to seek permission before acting. So many start to tell some people at first (spouse, family, friends) hoping they will be okay. Deep down those people's acceptance fufills that need for permission. The issue occurs when one tells someone who isn't accepting. That is when the questions about onself occur.

So at this point, I would suggest put it all aside, discuss in therapy if you already seeing a therapist and if not seeing a therapist find one to start seeing. When you are ready, venture into the realm of telling.

On a general note, in my opinon, the first and most important step for any is to get into therapy before telling others. Telling is one of those things that is largely irreversible, not easy to control if done piecemeal (cause rumors will spread), and there can be some very negative consequences. Having seen so many experience what you describe is just the reason why therapy can be so important before telling. During therapy one can build a more solid confidence in onself and prepare for the negatives as well as have support structure in place should a negative response occur.

[Guest JaniceW]

Mori,

Please listen to what Emily has said to you, and read the thread that she linked to.

This is just another bump in your road, you will get past it. Take a breath and try to relax a bit.

In your message you spoke of coming out to 3 family members and an untold number of friends with acceptance. Then you spoke of one brother who has a problem (note it is NOT you who has the problem). So let's assume that you told 3 friends, that's 6 people who had no problem and 1 who did. That's 6:1 odds in your favor. Any gambler would jump at those odds!

But because of who we are and how much we doubt our own selves, we only see that 1 person who has a problem and we think we should give up. Maybe we need to learn something from the gamblers?