I May Be Confused...

[Guest Lynnx]

I've been looking all over this site. I'm not sure where i fit in. I mean i call my self intergendered because i feel like i'm "integrated" with my female body, but i have more of a male brain. So i'll describe myself more, and i'm looking for anyone to tell me what THEY think i am, and i'll consider it. i know that noone else can tell me what am, but i'm looking for an outside view.

I apoligized beforehand if anything i say offends people. It's just the truth as i percieve it. It's all true for ME...not necessarly true for you. Also i'm not exactly sure what i'm allowed to say here.... are names of the body allowed?

I feel like a boy who has been born in a girls body. But i don't hate my body. I don't what to get rid of my breasts. All i would want extra is another appendege, and more testoterone to improve my muscles. But i'm pretty strong as i am. In strength i am inbetween a girl and a boy. I am currently a hard wood floor installer. Use to be a computer programmer.

I'm very sexual. I have committed and loving partner. I am poly. i am bisexual. Some people have said that expressing who they are don't do anything for them sexually. But for me it does. Just about anything is a turn on for me. I like it on top. I like it on the bottom. Sometimes i fanasize i'm a guy/ sometimes a girl.

For casual dress i dress in mostly boys clothes. I've experimented with combining them, but they don't see to combine very well. I only feel comforable in boy pants because of my waist, and girls pants have ornimental pockets that i can't fit my wallet in. For dress clothes i have dresses. I have crossdresser stockings for my legs. I actually enjoy dressing up as a girl once in while.

I don't want to transition. The main thing for me.....an here's where my apology comes in... I could see being a boy-boy, but not a trans-man. (i can't say it. some people are trying their best and i don't want to offend them) I can see taking T, and that's all... not hiding my breasts, not trying to pass. I would be a freak. I feel like a freak; instead i'm a beautiful girl. Tho I don't think it would be to good to subject my family to a person who wants to look like a inbetween freak, and not "pick a side". It's hard enough on them when i have shorts on (unshaved german legs) I like confusing people.

I took one of those cute tests online about masculity/feminity. It said i am a "hard androgen". in other words, an androgen more toword the boy side.

But here's the thing. After saying all that.... it's sounds very intergender, doesn't it. I still, at the core, i think i'm a boy. How could a boy be the way i describe? i know there are CD boys, but FTM CD boys???

So if i am what i think i'm am....where do i fit in? as usual, i haven't found anyone like me. Did god break the mold?

[MaryEllen]

Hello LynnX,

where do i fit in?

You fit in just fine with all of us here. Every one of us is unique in our own way. There's not one of us that can fit 100% into any one catagory. Don't spend too much time worrying about what you are. Do what you want to do, be who you want to be. If you want to be a girl one day and a boy the next, that's cool. Don't worry about what other people think. Live your life as you want to. Not because of what others think you should be.

MaryEllen

[Guest Lynnx]

Yeah, but like... women have this whole community of women to commune with; men half this whole community of men to commune with... who am i going to commune with? All the boys who were born in girl bodys, but don't hate their bodys, and don't like what i would transition into?

Noone ever believes me, and i think that is what pisses me off most. I think that is one of the reasons people transition. Perhap the primary reason.

[MaryEllen]

If nobody believes you, that's their problem. Not yours. Is there any good reason why you can't commune with both men and women? People should accept you at face value. If they can't do that then they are not friends of yours. Are there any support groups in your area? I'd recommend joining one if there is. Also, have you ever counseled with a gender therapist? If you haven't, I'd recommend it.

MaryEllen

[Guest Lynnx]

If nobody believes you, that's their problem. Not yours. Is there any good reason why you can't commune with both men and women? People should accept you at face value. If they can't do that then they are not friends of yours. Are there any support groups in your area? I'd recommend joining one if there is. Also, have you ever counseled with a gender therapist? If you haven't, I'd recommend it.

MaryEllen

I want friends that are boys that can treat me like boy. I can't have friends that are boys because i'm a girl. Have you ever watch "When Harry met Sally". It's true.

I went to a support group for FTM; they were all transitioning. Never been to a gender therapist. Only been to one counseler who was worth his salt. The rest i wouldn't send my cat too. Anyway i'm not into lying on the couch anymore.

anyway thanks for trying to help me. i'll just muddle thru it as always.

[Guest Jack Solomon]

Yeah, but like... women have this whole community of women to commune with; men half this whole community of men to commune with... who am i going to commune with? All the boys who were born in girl bodys, but don't hate their bodys, and don't like what i would transition into?

Noone ever believes me, and i think that is what pisses me off most. I think that is one of the reasons people transition. Perhap the primary reason.

That pisses me off too, but I'm not transitioning for that. It would be pretty irresponsible to transition solely because people didn't believe you. Personally, I can't live as a female, I'm dead already if I continued to live as a female. There would be no 'living' involved.

In your case, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you don't sound transsexual. From what you've provided, it makes sense that you wouldn't really fit in at an FTM support group when they're all transitioning. You sound more like you cross gender boundaries but are more masculine in center. It's very possible you're primarily more male-like in person, but have a tendency to exhibit bi-gendered traits and are happy that way. There are many variations of transgendered.

It is frustrating that guys won't treat a female-bodied person as another guy for the most part. Some will, but they're hard to find. However, there are bound to be other people with your same situation, and you're welcome to hang around here and make some friends, even if their situation is not an exact match to yours.

You also say that you enjoy confusing people with your appearance. Well, that's interesting and it's obviously part of you, so why change? I'm sure there's others like you who would be content with a bi-gendered appearance, but the problem is social. Socially, a bi-gendered appearance could cause you difficulty, as you mentioned.

Also, there are in certain sub-cultures of some countries female-bodied persons who are accepted to live as males. They do not transition and they live as the providers for their family as well as other masculine roles. In the past many American Indian tribes also recognized female-bodied persons who were male. These and other transgender people are now collectively called 'Two-Spirits'. One example is the Lakota tribe's winkte, a male spirit/person with a female body. Some view winktes as being a blend of their body (including social factors) and spirit (person), in effect having elements of both genders but being primarily male. There are probably many transgendered people out there who view themselves in a similar fashion as well, individuals who are aware that they are more masculine but are content to live with a female body. While this information does not directly affect your situation, my point was to say that similar situations to yours are bound to be out there in the transgendered community at large.

However, it's possible that many people with a similar situation to yours may not call themselves FTM and may use a different term, possibly even simply transgender, or they may make do with the term intergender or bi-gendered male, or they may use no term of identification at all. The problem is also that transgendered people themselves have a tendency to live 'under the radar' so to speak and may be hard to find. But I guarantee you there are communities online who cater to more male people with a female body who are not interested in transitioning. They just might take a bit of searching to locate. And you are surely welcome here, even if you don't consider yourself strictly FTM and you don't want to transition.

I have a question I am just curious on. Are you actively considering taking T and living somewhat bi-gendered in appearance or was that scenario just theoretical? You should know that T can change your facial structure to appear more masculine, and even with breasts it is possible you would pass as a male, so if you want to keep your current appearance I wouldn't reccomend it. Just food for thought.

Solomon

[Guest Lynnx]

In your case, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you don't sound transsexual.

I won't take anything the wrong way. I'd rather you, a knowledgable person disagree with me, than put on the kid gloves and pull punches. I like the truth hard. It only hurts if it's suppose to. I know thats not the philosophy of this board, but that how i like it.

And i agree, i don't see myself transitioning. therefore not a transSEXUAL. But i reject any theories about me NOT growing up with a brain that developed and works like a boy. I remember well when i was four, and four year olds don't think that if their not boys.

I just think that I developed a different paradigm to deal with it.

you enjoy confusing people with your appearance. Well, that's interesting and it's obviously part of you, so why change? I'm sure there's others like you who would be content with a bi-gendered appearance, but the problem is social. Socially, a bi-gendered appearance could cause you difficulty, as you mentioned.

Yes, most gender roles are cultural and not biologically based. I reject them. I am as i am, not because is the opposite of the female gender roles, but it is how i would be regardess of whether i male or female. If you looked at me right at this moment and i was a boy, the things you would question is my black puma girl sneakers and that i have long hair. My hair is very curly and it looks fem if i have it long at all. (tune of "Almost cut my hair" playing in the background)

I tried having short once; i still looked like a girl. My facial features are the most fem thing about me, and it's just what i was given by god.

Also, there are in certain sub-cultures of some countries female-bodied persons who are accepted to live as males. They do not transition and they live as the providers for their family as well as other masculine roles. In the past many American Indian tribes also recognized female-bodied persons who were male. These and other transgender people are now collectively called 'Two-Spirits'.

I know about the american indian tribes. i would like to know more about the other cultures. ???

I have a question I am just curious on. Are you actively considering taking T and living somewhat bi-gendered in appearance or was that scenario just theoretical? You should know that T can change your facial structure to appear more masculine, and even with breasts it is possible you would pass as a male, so if you want to keep your current appearance I wouldn't reccomend it. Just food for thought.

Solomon

I know about taking T. i know transexuals. As i said, MAYBE i would consider it if i didn't have a family to consider. They have to deal with me being an "IT" as it is. (i like that term, i can use IT on myself on myself if i want to ) But i tend to be a natural person, no body mods, no hormones as it is, so i kinda doubt it. It's just that i bet if i did take it once, it would be a bit addicting. I like the feeling they say it produces.

Thanks for your response Soloman

muchly appreciated,

Lynnx