Never Thought I'd Have To Come This Part Of The Forum

[Guest Hayley21]

Ok well as I said I thought i'd never have to come to this part of the forum BUT here's why I am.

My daddy as I said before is a ex-marine drill instructor, and one of the things I guess he inherited was drinking, My mom doesn't drink nor do I an whenever he drinks my mom doesn't like it an its almost like its a slap in the face to her. I always side with my mom cuz I don't like it either. He has mentally abused us our whole life, and I'm about to get sick of it. My poor mom has put up with so much and I have ask her time after time to LEAVE!!! But her answer is I have no where to go plus the economy isn't the best for people trying to move atleast not here. I love my daddy with all my heart but how much more are my mom an I going to have to put up with, And one other thing, all the advice anyone can give is well appreciated but its alot easier said than done

All I can do is pray an have faith an hope for the best

So Just thought I'd share with ya that my life isn't a bag of roses

hayley

[Sally]

It is one of the most difficult situations in life, dealing with the drinking problem of another.

Your mother is more afraid of failing to provide for you than she is of the possible harm of staying with him.

The reason that this is so difficult is that in order for the drinker to quit drinking they must first admit that it is really a problem and want to stop the pattern before anything can be done - you cannot stop him from drinking, it has to be his choice.

I wish I had better news for you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest tiffany_marie]

Don't really know what to say Hailey, you have quickly become one of my favorite people that I've met online and I while I would hate to see anyone going through something like this, it's worse when it's someone that you care about.

I sincerely hope that things work out for you and your family.

Unfortunately Sally is right in the sense that he has to realize he has a problem, in order for said problem to likely be solved.

I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts.

[Guest Deandra]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you right now. The others are right your dad has to admit he has a problem before there could be any help.

Wish u all the best

Deandra

[JJ]

Hayley,

Alcoholism is a disease-even though some dislike the term-for me it fits because when you talk to the family members of other alcoholics the symptoms -the way the drinker behaves -are so similar it is as if you are talking about the same person sometimes.

Living with an alcohol problem in a parent does some things to you too that you may not even realize and while you may not drink-may loathe it -you may also be drawn to partners who have drinking problems. Among other things. Your mother will be affected too in other ways.

You can't control his drinking or even the way your mother reacts to it. It is a very complex dynamic, but you can get help for yourself and your mother. Your father -not until he is ready. There are support groups through AA like Alanon that I would suggest you contact as well as discussing it with a therapist who is familiar with alcohol related issues. There are many, many books out there too that can provide some insight.

I am very familiar with these situations. My mother and step father were alcoholics. My step father quit drinking later after I was out of college but my mother died of complications from her drinking. I was physically and verbally abused by her when she was drunk. It's a problem that cuts across society . I in turn married an alcoholic. After my marriage ended and I became a social worker I was eventually certified to train trainers in alcohol abuse prevention.

But I'm not speaking as a social worker here just a friend who has some knowledge and has also been there.

You won't leave this behind when you do leave home hon. So please seek out some counseling or a support group. I wish someone had given me that advise. As far as your mom-as I said that relationship is very complex and she may not actually want to leave-or she may just need to talk to others in her position to make a decision. Either way all you can do is provide the information. You can't change her behavior or your dads.

Hope this helped some.

Hugs

John

[Guest Anouk1103]

Hugs Hayley .. after my parents split, I used to come home from school to clear a tonne of beer bottles, my Dad is a MTF transgender, she went down a very quick spiral from being .. an emotional bully to an alcoholic emotional bully. She got through it, although, as a child, I wasn't best equipped to handle or help her other than cooking our dinner and cleaning the house every day after school. I don't know what to say .. just offer a nice supportive hug? x

[Guest Elizabeth K]

John knows his stuff - has counseling experience and ,unfortunately past experiences in his family.

Read his advice carefully.

I would only add, your mother is also in a problem area. Is it possible for her to get counseling?

PLEASE keep us updated.

Also kudos for our new member Anouk in a very supportive rely! And yes- ALL replies were very good!

Lizzy

[Guest Hayley21]

Ya know what, this is exactly why I joined this site, becuz you people are so wonderful in your own ways and each an everyone of you has a special place in my heart!!! I don't usually tell people I love them becuz thats such a strong word, But I love you all so much!!!! And thank you so much for all the replys they touched me in away that theres not enough words to describe. I'll talk to my mom an see if she would consider counceling, as for my father your right it has to be his choice, unfortuantly I don't see it happening. But I guess all I have are prayers an hope. It does scare me about what happen to your mother john, it scares me that something will happen to him. If there were only something I could do, I've tried talking to him no-good, nothing works. I just hope the best, thats all I can hope for

Love ya all so very much

Hayley

[Guest Emily Ray]

I would Like to add that you and your Mom should look into AlAnon. It is for the family members of alcoholics and they provide support and advice from their own experiences in dealing with the problem. I have had friends who have found it to be very helpful. It is less formal than counseling and free.

Huggs

Emily

[Michelle 2010]

I would Like to add that you and your Mom should look into AlAnon. It is for the family members of alcoholics and they provide support and advice from their own experiences in dealing with the problem. I have had friends who have found it to be very helpful. It is less formal than counseling and free.

Huggs

Emily

x2 on alanon and alateen. Here ya go for your state...http://www.ar.al-anon.alateen.org/

You can't change the behavior of the alcoholic who is ruining his life, but you make sure he doesn't ruin yours. Please do yourself a favor and at least check it out. Its tragic how many people say they'll never end up like their alcoholic parents and yet do so. The people at alanon know exactly what your going through and can help you if you reach out to them.

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest Anouk1103]

Hey Hayley, how are you today? I keep thinking about you and how you reminded me of how I felt when I looked after my Aunt when she went through her alcoholic stage. See, I remember not really noticing to begin with, I knew that my Mum leaving was hard, I just noticed bottles around the house, first only a few, then gradually more and more. I remember at one point just wondering if this was ever going to end? She got in with a group of people who introduced drugs to her and she joined them whilst I continued with my GCSE coursework in my room, constantly being called down to make her cups of tea ... Or grab a can!! She had no self worth, I had to wash our clothes in secret as she didn't care for household chores at all - Mum used to take care of all that. But, one day, it just seemed to end, almost as quickly as it started. Thing is, even though she has no self confidence or self worth, she was incredibly strong willed and strong minded, she met a woman on the Internet and they met up and that seemed to fix her. Not suggesting that your Dad should go find someone else, and if your Mum isn't likely to leave, perhaps they could set up some dates to reawaken the love they had when they first met? I understand your Mum not wanting to leave, an emotionally abusive parent just makes the other lose all their self worth, batters them down into thinking that they're no good for anyone, perhaps your Dad has just lost his way and needs help getting back on track? If he sees that you and your Mum are trying to help it could either make him realise what he has and stop this behaviour or he'll realise that he's lost his family and leave.

For the record, I don't drink either - at all. I don't see the point in vomiting hard earned money down the toilet!! I don't enjoy alcohol, I don't like what alcohol does to people, I don't like how it can help to create monsters out of people we love. X x

Thinking of you x x

[Guest kidnoel]

I would also highly recommend Al-Anon.

[VickySGV]

Adult Children Of Alcoholics (ACA) and Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) are two more groups that you might look into as well. CODA is not alcohol specific, since co-dependents come in all chemicals of choice origins. One more nod on the fact that you CAN NOT get your dad to give up the sauce, he will need to hit bottom before that happens. Finding you and your mother GONE some day is not guaranteed to do it to him, but the two of you may need to do it just for yourselves. I was the alcoholic who lost my kids for over a year! That was 25 years ago.