Just Need To Vent This...what A Day Right?

[Guest Alice4016]

I am soo sorry for how long this is...but I really need to tell this story as it happened to someone because I don't know..I just need to vent it out and work out my thoughts.

Sooo...

I wake up at 5am Monday after visiting my parents for 4th of July weekend. My dad claimed all weekend to have a horrible stomach ache, and that was the reason he wouldn't leave his room to spend time with my sisters, mom, wife, and me. (I say claimed, b/c...well you'll see). Ok, so like I was saying I wake up and call my dad to ask him if he's feeling any better (he wakes up at 4am every day..ex. dairy farmer/Marine...so I know he's awake)...no answer on the house phone. I call his cellphone (maybe he's at work right? He now owns a janitorial company..they work weird hours..), no answer. This is odd, b/c he sleeps with it on by his bed, in case a client calls/emergency. So I'm starting to think, either he's dead (seriously I was worried, with is stomach ache and all) or he's avoiding me.

So, I kind of muddle around semi-nervous until 6am (in this time I only managed to care for the cats, clean the dishes, and straighten up..not a very productive 2 hours). I've got a huge knot in my stomach all morning...worried sick about my dad. So, 6am rolls around, I try calling again. Same results on both phones. Now I am starting to freak out. My wife won't be awake for another 2 hours most likely so there I was freaking out that my dad was dead and I couldn't get a hold of either of my parents. I tried to stay clam but failed, so I started playing "Crossroads" and "Money"at 6am on my Strat and Marshall Stack (yeah in a trailer...it's really ok as long as you have ear plugs lol..oh and this is kinda creepy but wait till the end and check out the "breakdown day set list" lol..it's kinda neat). Needless to say this got Amanda (and our trailer park supervisor, who paid us a not so nice visit 20 min later) up and moving. Great! Sorry to say this, but I was kinda hoping she would wake up.

She comes storming out of the bed room (who could blame her right?) but quickly calms down when I explain the situation. (she knows my guitar playing is my go to stress reducer (much better than my old friend Jack and Jose that's for sure)). Anywhoo, so we are both awake discussing the situation when I try calling both my parents again. It's about 8am at this point in time (we had to deal with the supervisor, two neighbors, and our worries so again time seemed to be flying by this morning). I don't get a hold of my dad, but my mom does pickup before she heads out to work. She says my dad didn't mention his stomach after we (my wife and I) left on the 5th, and he was awake all morning (like normal) and even managed to cut the grass. Hmm...

So, I just assume he maybe missed my calls in between cutting the grass, showering, breakfast, etc. Trying to avoid the fact that it is becoming more clear he is avoiding me. During this time I practiced my voice (I sung "I shall Be Released", "Don't think twice it's alright","Isn't it a Pity" , and "My Sweet Lord"..again creepy..wait till the end right...lol). Then it all came crashing together: BOOM!!

I called my mom around 2pm, I tried getting a hold of my dad the whole day and was unable to reach him (I pretty much realized by now that I was being avoided), to find out what was actually going on. (PAUSE) Let me explain some back story, then we'll come back to this...

My whole transition started with rejection. They wanted nothing to do with me...AT ALL. Then my dad came to me with acceptance, then rejection, then acceptance. My mother has been rejection the entire time, and has been trying to encourage my dad agree with her. So it's been a roller coaster ride. Keep in mind, my wife and I are self sustaining...but only 19 so just keep this all in mind for later (for a positive reason though, no worries).

(RESTART)

I called my mom around 2pm, I tried getting a hold of my dad the whole day and was unable to reach him (I pretty much realized by now that I was being avoided), to find out what was actually going on. Well she picked up the phone and was really "Oh, heeyy. Yeah, sooo check your email" really snotty (she's a real pain, sorry to say it, but my wife had her pegged from day one..but as my mom I tried to not see it). She was gloating as I read an email from my father telling me that I was to not contact him again, that he was changing his phone numbers, keys, etc. and I was never to try and talk/see him again. I was stunned, he had just been accepting the weekend before...I just thought he was sick. But, it seems he's done with me. I told my mom, I will not type what I said actually (that little bit of male left in here busted out...and at this time I was not talking to my mother...just someone gloating at my misfortune), pretty much go screw yourself. She's been actively (by this I mean the entire family, even my dad, has acknowledged this) trying to drive a wedge between my wife, my sisters, my father, and my friends (yeah she's been emailing them isn't that weird lol) and myself. So I was done with her games.

As far as my father goes, I let him know I was finished with the roller coaster ride. That he had to finally pick a place to be, and it is clear he has. I wrote him back telling him I was sorry he felt the way he did, but I was no longer living my life for anyone but myself and my wife. I told him that if that is how he feels then it seems best we do go our own way. Clean break, and I doubt he'll even read the email, actually.

So after that email, I picked up my guitar again and started playing "What is Life", and "In My Life", finishing up my afternoon jam with "Breath", "I Dig Love", and "All Things Must Pass". I felt better, I was finally free from the constraints of "living under your parents". Although I am married, although we support ourselves, I always felt like I was still somewhat under their hand. The freedom of being released is amazing! It was finally time to move on (I didn't want to end up like my sisters, 30 and depending on my Dad for support), and I'm glad I was given my out. At first it felt as if all my life was crashing down, that the darkness was closing in. But, when I took the time to "Pick up The Pieces" another song played later that night, I noticed that life was no different, I just no longer had to deal with the 2hour phone conversations that left me in tears, the weekends of "family fun" that left me feeling belittled and petty, I no longer had that baggage. In the days following this fallout I received emails from the rest of my family (sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc...I actually think they may be treating this like an intervention lol) telling me to not contact them. (Now my wife's family, after hearing all this, and they've always been supportive all made a note to call me (at least 12 people did) to let me know they supported me, loved me, and were there for us...that was GREAT to hear!

So here I sit, half of me gone yet I fell strong. I feel refreshed and new. We are moving on, just a little bit lighter this time...and a lighter load always saves gas .

Peace, love, and health,

Your happy hippy,

Alice

Oh....the set list of the day. Here's what I've noticed if I just play throughout the day (instead of doing my 5 hours of practice..newly a music major ..in one sitting) and play whatever song I am feeling at the time it seems like I can track how I was feeling that day. I've kept a log for about a year now...and it doesn't seem to fail. Here's what I played that day....including the notes I made in the journal.

Morning Practice:

"Crossroads" - Cream/Clapton (It was a crossroads in my life, maybe I sensed this?)

"Money" - Pink Floyd (A little concern over losing some support?)

Early Afternoon Practice:

"I Shall Be Released" - Bob Dylan (Feeling a little sense of freedom?)

"Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" - Bob Dylan (Maybe to reassure myself? Title alone motivator?)

"Isn't It A Pity" - George Harrison (Why can't others accept others?)

"My Sweet Lord" - George Harrison (A prayer for hope maybe?)

Afternoon Practice:

"What Is Life" - George Harrison (Reminder to be happy?)

"In My Life" - John Lennon (Trying to think back about my own happy times?)

"Breath" - Pink Floyd (Release?)

"I Dig Love" - George Harrison (A reminder to not be bitter!)

"All Things Must Pass" - George Harrison (And they shall.)

Evening Practice:

"Working Class Hero" - John Lennon (Frustration? Anger release?)

"Imagine" - John Lennon (Trying to keep myself from depression?)

"Pick Up The Pieces" - Average White Band (Reminding me to take inventory of what I have?)

"All Things Must Pass" - George Harrison (Trying to again remind myself to not worry?)

Final Note:

It was a tough day today, and this was represented by my choice of music. It seems I used my music to enhance my mood or to reassure myself. Remember, All Things MUST pass Alice. If your still breathing it's all good.

[Guest Wendy]

Wow. I don't know what to sy. I hate that your family is acting like that. Parents should love their kids no matter what. Maybe your folks will come around. At least you have the support and love of you wife.

[Guest Snow Angel]

That's so sad. But at least you have the accepting wife! She's worth more than all of your family put together. She more than makes up for it.

[Guest Alice4016]

Yeppers, she's the greatest! It's nice to have someone that no matter how hard your day is, no matter what goes wrong out in public, will treat you like yourself when you get home. Holidays will just be different, with a new crowd and new faces. But at least they are accepting so not a care in the world today. Plus we just got back from Tom Petty which was great!

[Guest amie]

My condolences, Alice. I'm not sure what to say other than the fact your wife is a fine lady for standing behind you. I'm sure this feels priceless in light of this incident seein' as she probably knows you better than anyone.