Little Vent...

[Guest ignota]

Little vent...

Just feel... argh. Hopeless. I don't know where I'm going. I can't go back to male... can't go forward to female... I think I am, but I don't know. That's where I'm most comfortable. But even then, I'm a thoroughly weird girl. And I don't know why, or anything... that's just where I'm drawn to. At home, I'm stuck in this middle ground. Parents know I'm questioning, but it's like they still treat me as guy. Of course they do, but... I don't know. Would telling them I am sure be better? Or just forget the whole thing till I am sure... Just so confused.

I feel I'm female. Everything points that way. But I don't dare believe it. It seems too good to be true... or something. I could just have some disorder... probably do anyway. Sorry if that strikes a nerve. Should I believe it? Just don't know.

Little steps used to help. I'd buy some clothes, or change my writing, or change my thoughts, and I'd be fine for a few hours, even happy... Yesterday I was so tired all day, so fed up... Came out of the shower buzzing - I could one day get rid of my items!!! WOOT! Half an hour, back to normal... Back to fuzziness. Now it just feels hopeless. I thought of waxing, getting rid of the hair... but just having the strip on my chest, and thinking, what's the point? I don't know where I'm going... just stupid.

This probably just seems like making a mountain out of nothing. I just... I don't know. I know I'm lucky, stupendously lucky, to have the family I have... But they don't understand, and I don't know whether to live with it or make them understand even when I don't myself. And in the meantime, I'm trying to work, just to get on, and some hand goes into my upper back and pushes me forward, and down... everything goes heavy... and it's all so hopeless.

I'm so erratic :\ sorry everyone. Making mountains out of whatever... Please don't reply to this. Don't even know why I made it... I have a diary and everything... Maybe I'm just attention seeking. Perhaps that's it. There's something in here... in me... but perhaps I shouldn't have brought it out at all. Just... argh. They thought I was attention seeking. Then I told them I hate my 'items'... that I tuck them constantly. Then they said I obviously wasn't... But they still wonder. And I still wonder.

Going to the doctor Monday. Hopefully... Ha. I hope they give me anti-depressants. Obviously I don't know whether that's it... I think they'd help. Otherwise, two weeks to get through at home... Then somehow eight weeks of lectures, exams, and the aftermath... And sometime perhaps a therapy appointment. I hope. I don't know what else to do...

Please don't reply! :\ I'd rather forget I ever posted this...

[Carolyn Marie]

Sorry, Ignota, but I'm going to reply, even though you asked not to. I can't help myself, its a compulsion.

Hon, I know you're really confused right now. That's OK, lots of us were confused at one time or another. It's part of the process of finding yourself.

Have you talked to a gender therapist, or any therapist, about how you feel? If not, I really encourage you to do so.

Sometimes it helps just to put things in writing, so even if you don't get what you need by way of a reply, the act of writing out your frustrations may help.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Tara Ann]

Oh, Ignota honey, you're in an even worse emotional place than I am and that's saying something.

I wish I could help you but I've never felt how you do right now and I'm struggling to write some advice or encouraging words for you.

Is there anything tangible holding you back from believing? Are worried about disappointing someone?

Oh, and thanks for adding to me to your friends list.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You are questioning, and it happens to us. Gender dysphoric people do this and it is normal. Therapy is really going to help you!

Lizzy

[Guest ignota]

Sorry. I get in moods like this sometimes. Every day for at least the past few days. It's not constant... That's why I wonder whether, at some level, I'm just looking for attention... Hence "Please don't reply!" :\ I'm a mess... sorry

I've been referred to a local gender specialist (apparently) - I don't think it's a therapist, more a psychiatrist (if there's a difference), but that's who you have to go through on the NHS. Hopefully they'll help though.

Sometimes it helps just to put things in writing, so even if you don't get what you need by way of a reply, the act of writing out your frustrations may help.

Yes, I have a diary, that's really helped. Again, I don't know why I posted this... so sorry again :\

Is there anything tangible holding you back from believing? Are worried about disappointing someone?

I think what holds me back is that I could so easily be faking this for one reason or the other. It's like I've had a dream, or something beneath the surface, for years... then suddenly what had previously seemed impossible turns out to be possible, after all. I don't dare believe it's possible for me, I suppose. I remember thinking about becoming a biologist so I could work out a way to do it . I also worry about my motives, a little... not much now though. I'm probably just over-cautious.

Therapy is really going to help you!

I hope so

Thanks for your support... hopefully I won't get this bad again Let's leave this thread now...