Trying To Figure Myself Out

[Guest Doodlen]

Been away for a little while, busy with work and then moving and all, but I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I've been trying to figure myself out, and if my head explodes then I'm really not surprised. I'm biologically female. That's the easy part. But most of the time I feel like a guy. I've always been one of the guys, never really fit in with all the girls, etc. Even since I can remember. There was this reoccuring dream I had until I was like 10, it was kinda weird but long story short there was a magician and I had to run around this town in the desert doing tasks and if I did everything right he'd change me into a boy and then I could live happily ever after and marry this princess.

Anyway, the part that confuses me is that sometimes I like to dress up like a girl. Not dresses, never dresses, but like frilly shirts with vests and nice pants. But I still don't feel like a girl, I feel like a crossdresser. Which I find strange, I'm a female who doesn't feel female who feels male who crossdresses like a female when I'm already biologically female. But I've mostly accepted that.

But then on the days when I DO feel like a girl, I'm not exactly female. I feel like I'm MtF. And that's the part that confuses me. Cuz sometimes those last for a week before I go back to feeling like my normal manly self. (Well I'm not that manly, but still ) Which should be good, cuz I'm a MtF in a female body, which SHOULD be perfect right? But I just get this terrible empty feeling like I'm fake, like I'm not a real woman, and I dunno. It's like when I'm a MtF I feel wrong because I never actually got to transition to female and so it doesn't feel right. And this doesn't make sense to me because I'm usually FtM.

I'm confused and don't understand how I feel, but this is happening more and more often. Before it just lasted for a few days, now it's usually a week. And I get so depressed for that week cuz I can't fix it. It's like I wanna transition to male just so I can transition to female and feel complete. Which makes no sense! So now I don't know what to think. I thought I was FtM with the rare female days, but now it feels like I'm MtF stuck in a fake female body with a lot of male days.

Maybe I'm just stressed, maybe my hormones are out of whack, who knows. But it's confusing the heck out of me

[Guest JaniceW]

Confusion and doubts are part of the territory for we trans folks. Sometimes I feel like I want to get God's ear and say, "Hey where's the instruction manual for this model you gave me buddy?"

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

@ Doodlen:

Glad you're back. Welcome. Just a couple of things.

First, if I remember right, weren't you dealing with anorexia? How's that going? Hope you're okay. If I'm wrong about this, just ignore me.

Second, for ANY female-to-male transsexual, I cannot say enough good things about this book. If you can get together a couple of bucks to spare, you might REALLY like this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Visible-Man-Jamison-Green/dp/082651457X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1303275631&sr=1-1

Third, have you seen a gender therapist yet? If not, maybe it's time! Very good ones are definitely out there for you and many will work on a sliding-scale so you can afford them.

Know what? You are NOT alone. Many of us question ourselves ... even those of us further down this road than you. Lord, I still question myself. But, even though my head often says, "No!," my heart always say, "Yes!"

Now, if this is what happens to you too, then your answer is in your heart.

Hey, hope you keep posting. I really like your writing and your thinking.

Good Luck & Peace Out.

Lacey

[Guest Doodlen]

Janice: I know what you mean, an instruction manual to life would be really useful sometimes! But I guess that can be half the fun some times

[Guest Doodlen]

Janice: I know what you mean. An instruction manual to life would be very useful sometimes But I guess that's half the fun some times.

Kat: I agree completely. Thanks

Lacey: Yes I was, it's been 3 months and 21 days that I've eaten at least one meal every single day. I'm eating twice on most days now

I'll check out that book, it looks really useful and interesting. Thank you

Thanks everyone, it's always nice to hear that I'm not alone All this can get hard sometimes. In my small town it's easy to feel like I'm alone, but coming on this site always reminds me that I'm not.

(And if half that post posted just now, sorry! My computer froze and refreshed itself and I don't know if it sent the post through or not. If it did twice just ignore it )