First Gt Session Tomorrow...

[Guest Nick A]

As the title says, my first Gender Therapy session is tomorrow. As I have come to terms with my transexuality, I find myself needing to know how best to deal with it, especially at my age (40), and having built a life around my female body. If transitioning were as simple as walking through a door labeled "MALE BODY HERE," I would do it without any thought or without ever looking back. Funny thing, my mother always used to tell me "to thine own self be true," yet I never could find that courage. Even now, a small part of me is hoping this therapist can help me deal with my transexualism without transitioning. But the larger part of me is hoping that she can help me to transition. I'm really caught between looking back on my life and seeing how I buried myself all those years. It bothers me that anybody could live like this. But I chose to bury myself, not fully realizing what I was doing. Now that I understand what I am, I wonder if there really is anyway I can live the rest of my life doing the same? Because if I remain female outwardly, I always experience those "mini-deaths" -- those times when I am thrust into a female role and I have to just play along, because if I ever tried to explain, who would "get it?"

Then I'm scared, too, because even if transitioning were right for me, how could I disappoint everybody else who might not want me to transition? It's a messy process, to be sure. I mean, surgeries, prescriptions, judgments.... But I'm wondering, how can somebody keep trying to hide who they really are? How can I keep playing a role that was never meant for me? Somedays, I just wish that I never would have crossed that bridge, that I would just be able to repress and never confront...but now that I have...now what?

It seems to me that if I don't transition, I only disappoint myself. But if I do, I disappoint everybody else. At which point do the lines of being "true to yourself" and being "selfish" meet? What "right" do I have to ask people to accept me? I mean, it's easy enough for some people to do that when you tell them "I'm transgendered." But the moment you start changing your role - your outward manifestation of that inner you - then what?

Add to all of the above the fact that we hear about those courageous transwomen (and transmen) who are victims of hate crimes. Knowing what they have lived for any part of their lives -- the pain, the confusion, the awareness that something is "wrong" yet they somehow come to that place where they MUST choose to simply start living the life they were meant to live only to have others hate them for it. Is fear a reason to not transition? If a friend, or even my son or daughter would come to me and tell me that they were transexual and wanted to have their physical body match their identity, I would support and encourage them in spite of every fear and judgment. What good is living a life if it belongs to somebody else? Yet, I don't know if I could do the same for myself.

Just some thoughts I have before my very first GT appointment.

Nick

[Guest JaniceW]

Best of luck at your GT appointment. From your post you certainly have all of your questions lined up for it. Please let us know how the appointment goes for you?

[Guest Nick A]

Thanks, Janice. I will.

[Guest Nick A]

Amazing first appointment! I waited 40 years for this, but I don't think I was ready for it until today.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh its done? Good for you... see, we tell people therapy is amazing but they have a hard time believing it!

On are on your way now.

Lizzy

[Guest Nick A]

Yes, Lizzy. We spent an hour and 45 minutes or so today. For the first time, I actually got to talk face-to-face with someone who truly understands what I have lived! That alone was incredible. And powerful! I have been trying to put into words why this first appointment was so amazing for me -- but I can't. It's so many things! And truth be told, I'm too hungry at the moment to try to find the words.... But suffice to say that I'm glad that I took that step. I knew sooner or later I would have to...it was inevitable. We are going to work through the choices available to me and what will be best for me, so that is good.

It's also kind of odd, but the few people with whom I had discussed my transgender issues with have been more open in talking with me since they know that I had my first appointment. It's as if they realize the issue isn't going away and that it indeed is very real. But so far, it's all been good and I am very blessed in that way that the people closest to me are very supportive.

Thanks for your comment, Lizzy.

Nick