Confused - In Need Of Advice

[Guest Lily_Haze]

I don't have an "All my life I felt different" story, but I do have one worth sharing, and one that has confused me to no end.

When I was...around 12 years old, I was heavy video gamer (still am). I played an online game named Final Fantasy XI. When this game would go down for maintenance, the plays would flood a live area filled with various rooms. When I first discovered these chat rooms, during one such maintenance, I just entered using the name I used in the game, Mcloud. I found I rather enjoyed talking to people there, and returned many times afterwards.

I don't know what made me decide to do this, but I entered one day as Lily, and took up the role as a female player. The rooms were anonymous, so no one could check if you were lying or not. I quickly learned a number that seemed reasonable for a teenage female's bra size, and would claim said number whenever asked, thus "proving" I was a female. I learned then that I enjoyed this alter-ego of mine very much. I would return to these chat rooms many many times over the following months, so often that Lily became decently well known among the regular members.

After a while, I sat down and thought about what I was doing. My faith at the time told me that what I was doing was wrong and disgusting on some level, so I stopped, angry that I had lived a "lie" for many months. I would do my best to make myself forget what I had done, an attempt that would work for many years.

Between hiding my adventures there, and my female tendencies (minor at such a young age), as well as my bisexuality, I became quite good at repressing things until I had convinced even myself that they weren't real. My faith (conservative Christian) led me to believe that these things were just evil, and the work of the Devil trying to confuse me. I never talked to anyone, not even my parents about it, out of embarrassment and fear. No one save my friend Kevin. He and I actively, before my change, would pretend to be girls when talking to one another alone. I stopped doing that too after I repressed all of it.

Many years passed, and I was hit with random bouts of depression. They would happen quite often, and lead me to feel unmotivated to do anything, sad for no reason, and empty. I never knew why, and only now wonder if my happy self was replaced by this sad shell of a person because I denied myself.

The past few years have been a re-learning of self for me. A year and a half ago, maybe a bit longer, I came out to my parents as bisexual. This self-discovery was made completely on accident when I was sent a fan-fiction by a friend that contained sexual acts between two men. I remembered having a crush on a boyhood friend of mine. I was tearing down mental barriers I had put up. It took many months before I could accept myself, and is still hard for me to remember that these feelings are okay.

About a year ago, I lost my faith in God. This was told to my parents by someone else. They still view me as their son, but one they disagree with heavily. They are conservative republican Christians parents, and I am their liberal democrat agnostic "son".

Mental barriers were growing thin, I was remembering more and more. Things would come randomly to me. Recently, memories of the old Lily came back, and I was scared. The name Lily had never been hidden from me, it still popped up in my stories and games that I made, but that Lily had been hidden. This was a different me. I was happy, but I was a -girl-.

*sigh*

Okay. I'm going to take a minute to collect my thoughts, I realize now that I am ranting. I'm sorry, I just need to say this all to someone.

Recently I came out as bigendered to those around me I thought I could trust. I felt more feminine than masculine, but never thought it possible that I might even remotely be transgendered. I was put into scenarios before where I wore women's clothing, and I must admit it felt nice. Not sexually nice, just...nice. The make-up bit was a little different, but not at all bad. I still do little things that people won't notice for the most part, or really care, such as painting my nails.

All of this was on my mind when I came out as bigendered.

Then I remembered Lily. I remembered actually being a female, and how happy that made me. I remembered actually feeling...I don't even know, confident in myself. Maybe it was the anonymous nature of it, or maybe, just maybe, it was me feeling more natural.

Now...well...here I am, confused. I don't know who or what I am.

When I was asked, after coming out as bigendered, what names I would prefer, I felt Lily was right for the feminine. For my male alter ego...I couldn't find a name. Nothing came to me, as though nothing would fit. I don't honestly believe in coincidences, so I don't think thats just random.

I...sorry. I rant. And its late where I am, nearly six A.M. I just really needed to get all that off my chest, and hopefully in a place where someone might be able to help. I have taken a test online, and it places me in a probable category. While I don't intend to trust a digital test with my fate, it does...encourage my belief.

I feel confused. I need help. I don't know what to do.

Where do I go from here?

Side-note:

My parents would be un-supportive. I can't rely on them to provide any form of help, be that emotional, monetary, or any other form of support.

[Guest Lily_Haze]

There is more to this story to be certain. I was a little more than a little sleep deprived when I wrote this up. Like I said though, I -needed- to say it all.

I have my troubles. I don't feel "out of place" in a male body, but at the same time I don't feel right. Its like I'm living in a house, and its okay for me to live there...its just not my house. Everything works fine, and I can be happy with it, but its just not the same.

Oh...It should be mentioned, I am a master of terrible analogies. I am renowned among my friends for this art I have. V_v;;

Also, if I confuse the definitions of terms, please please please inform me. I've been trying to learn a lot in a short time, and I may confuse things.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Lilly,

The best advice I could give you would be to seek help from a professional gender therapist. He/she can help you sort out the things that are confusing to you. This is the list of therapists that we have available to us. Hopefully there is one near you. Good luck.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

MaryEllen

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hi, Lilly.....

What a compelling story! Yes. something like this can mess with the mind quite a bit. You've come to the right place because there are many here with similar problems, but, so many are willing to be of help. The most likely thing to do is talk it through here, with friends, or see a therapist..... There is no reason to stay in a state of confussion. I know, I waited for way too long to square things away....please talk! Consevative Christian is not a good atmosphere to

be different (no offense), so bring Lily out and explore....you might be suprised how your feelings about everything else changes! Theres a real smart girl here on this site whose signature reads....

"Be who you want, say what you must...those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter"

(close to that)

Peace

Donna Jean

[Guest Lily_Haze]

I know...I kinda want to see a therapist. The closest ones, indeed the only two listed for Kansas, are over an hour drive away each. The one in Wichita is a three hour drive away. I'm not really certain who to go to to talk.

so bring Lily out and explore

I don't know that I can do that. I am seventeen, still living with parents. College will, hopefully, put me far out of state, but thats a year away. If I were to try and express myself, this city is among the better ones to attempt it in...but...not with the history my family has here. Too many people know me, know them, and wouldn't hesitate to out me or give my family other kinds of problems. My father has a decent role in the church here...word would get out.

[Guest Chrissie]

I don't know that I can do that. I am seventeen, still living with parents. College will, hopefully, put me far out of state, but thats a year away. If I were to try and express myself, this city is among the better ones to attempt it in...but...not with the history my family has here. Too many people know me, know them, and wouldn't hesitate to out me or give my family other kinds of problems. My father has a decent role in the church here...word would get out.

There are other ways that you can 'explore and express yourself.' A lot of girls don't really start working on little things like growing their hair out, working on their voices, body language. And other things.

If your parents get curious... you can tell them you have an interest in theater.... and then they may 'help' without realizing they are helping. Doing small things like that before you start on the really problematic stuff before you get to college or even move out may help you feel more feminine and better later on...

[Guest Lily_Haze]

I actually do try to grow my hair out, I love long hair.

My body language...I try to work on that too, more subconsciously than I realize. I'll probably ask my girlfriend for help. I have spoken to her about all of this, and she is very open to who I am. It helps that she and I attend our schools GSA, and that she is also bisexual.

My voice may cause issues though, how do you practice making it sound more feminine?

[Guest Madison_Always]

there is a few rly good videos on youtube by CandiFLA search her in the channels option. voice training is hard work but its worth it in the end.or at least it better be lol

[Guest Lily_Haze]

Thanks a lot for the help.

[Guest katiewana]

Lily,

I like your analogy about it feeling like a house that's fine to live in but just isn't yours. That's how I've always felt. I haven't had all the awful problems that many trans people have growing up feeling tormented from early childhood, but I've never felt "right".

-Katie

[Guest Lily_Haze]

Well...I told my parents. I phrased it in a way I am fairly certain they didn't immediately recognize, which was my goal. I wanted them to be curious before close-minded. I asked to see a therapist, and my dad agreed that that would be for the best. I think my dad finally figured out what I mean, my mother (in a very frightening resemblance to when I came out as bisexual) was extremely quiet and had a strange lack-of-ANY-emotion look on her face.

I don't know where things will go for here, but still having a home is a nice first step.

[Guest Lily_Haze]

I ended up having a confrontation with my parents after they did absolutely nothing to help me like they promised they would. I mean, weeks went by and they didn't look into things like that promised I would. I'm just sick of them. I told them I thought I was a girl, or mostly one (bigendered leaning female), and that I was dealing with serious gender identity issues and that was why I needed a counselor. My dads response.

"Here, let me help you. You're a boy. Its that simple."

My mother goes on to tell me I don't show any of the "warning signs", the same thing she said when I came out as bisexual. This coming from the same people who called me weak when I admitted that I had avoided the house for fear of committing suicide during an emotional breakdown, then told me I was weak again thirty minutes later when I wouldn't stop crying in my room. I am done with these people. They aren't parents and this isn't a home. They told me, after insulting my friends in the LGBTQ community ("Maybe they weren't kicked out of their house for being different, maybe its because their parents got tired of the type of nuts you keep pulling."), that I had walked the line of being kicked out for a long time, then followed that by telling me they love me a lot. Yea-loving-right. No way. Not true. I can't trust them anymore. I can't take it here. But what can I do without parents? I have no job, and no money on my own saved for college (which starts next year for me, this is my last year of high school).

When I was younger I planned to kill myself around now. I thought that I would live life to the fullest I could while on a free ride, then slink away without having to take the stress. I set qualifications to set before I could do it. I met them all. But then I actually found a family. If asked who my family was, my friend Nick would be my twin brother, my friend Max would be my sister (or brother, her choice), my girlfriend would be my soul mate...only my half-brother would stay on the list, and as just that, a half-brother.

*sigh* I am sorry if this post worried anyone. I am not currently in risk of suicide. I have reasons to keep living, people to live for. And though I am fairly certain I have spent the last six years going through bouts of depression unchecked, I will be fine. If they (parents) don't do something soon, I will. I'll find someone to talk to, someone who can help.

Sorry too for my prolonged absence. I was going through life issues and computer problems.