I Have A Question..

[Guest Emmabear]

This is my second time writing this, aha!

I was going to post it, but then I felt silly asking... because it seems like a silly question.. to me atleast.. oh, and I rant and ramble a lot when I talk, I don't talk much so bear (bare?) with me

Well, let me start out with a statement:

Most *if not every* of the trans people I've read about (on forums, or other sources) have claimed to have always felt their discontent and hate with their body and biosex. I haven't always felt like I do now, I was a pretty 'normal' (a term that means NOTHING. I personally prefer "stereotypical") boy, I had boys that were friends, I did boy things, I played sports (but I was never really one for them ) I was 'happy' (but so distant to everyone else, it kind of seems now that I've always known something was 'wrong' .. which is another term I dislike when talking about what I feel, maybe I'll go with "different"). The feelings never showed up until I was about 9 or 10. So is it possible that I'm trans?

I don't want to be a boy..

And I'm not.. on the inside....?

(I'm really bad at explaining feeling and emotion, I was a pretty affection/openess deprived kid, meaning, my parents never told me they loved me, I was never hugged, given compliments.. which is why I always cringe when one of those things happen, because I don't know how to react because it's fairly new to me. And I was never taught how to share feeling and emotions)

When I go out with people I have to act like a boy, and all that does is make me feel suffocated, and I tend to be more agressive, angry, and overall un-fun to be with. But recently I've started acting more like myself (even small things, like the way I walk, and how I talk, and how I stand and sit and just my general body language have had such a huge effect on how I feel) and I've been happier, I smile more, I laugh more, and I'm just more fun to be with.

I look in the mirror and I feel pain and anger and hate.

I don't cry, I've pretty much always been taught to bottle up emotions, and I think I just turn my sadness into agression.

When I see myself.. it doesn't fit who I am. It's not me. I'm not supposed to be a boy.

I cry and hurt myself. I don't cut, I just end up hitting myself or scratching or biting or squeezing (until I bruise), which I find helps.

I want to have a girls body so badly.

I want to walk like a girl, I want to talk like a girl, I want to do things girls do, I want to be treated like a girl, I want to BE a girl.

I told my parents about my feeling in November of '07, things went horrible. I was almost kicked out of my house. My parents were hurt, especially my dad. I remember the day after I came out, he told me he was thinking about it all day at work and it was killing him inside. And I hated seeing my parents like that. So I told them it was a phase that I was over.. Which was a bad mistake, for a while I thought I was over it.. I burried all my feeling back deep inside of myself, but never was truly happy. I feel so bad about how things went last time, I don't want to put my parents through that.

But, I digress.. My original question, silly as it sounds was: Although these feelings of wanting to be a girl are fairly recent (6 - 7 years) am I trans even though I haven't always had these feelings?

(Sorry about that, I have a REALLY hard time putting thoughts to words. It makes sense to me, but don't be afriad to ask me to clarify. I'll try my best)

- Emily.

[Guest Evan_J]

I think you're just right Emily.

As for the strange "uniformity" of what anybody reads a lot of, I dunno, I don't question anyone's experience (or try not to) and yet I know that nothing is "all the time", "always", or "never".

Sometimes I wonder if we/some of us? try to squeeze ourselves into one anothers boxes to reassure ourselves....I dunno. But based on the bit you disclosed, and granted its an initial impression, but I would say you sound like a perfectly normal Trans person.

Now what exact specification of trans you feel is up to you. (And don't worry over that, the best specification is "just you".)

[Guest Martin]

Welcome Emma You're brave to post that question despite your fears of appearing silly.

Not all trans people know in their early childhood. Some don't realize they are trans until their teens, others don't know until their adulthood. All of these are normal. So is finding out at 9 or 10. Also, not every trans person rages against their prescribed gender role. While there certainly are trans people who know early on and have extreme discomfort with both their bodies and prescribed gender roles, that is not the only way it happens.

Are you a transsexual? I don't know. Only you can know that.

As for your parents... I'm sorry you're in the situation. Whether or not to come out sounds like a nasty decision to make when you know your parents are like that.

[Guest Madison_Always]

dont worry emily it makes perfect sense and no u are not alone many people dont have or notice these feelings until they r in their teens or later. and honestly it rly doesnt matter what u call yourself i.e transgender, transsexual just be u and if being u is being a woman then so be it. i hope that makes sense

melanie <3

[Guest Lily_Haze]

Its amazing how similar your realization and mine were. I didn't realize until I was roughly eleven or twelve, and then I hid it out of fear (I have also been raised to bottle emotions). Whoever you are, I think its only you that can really find that out. That sounds hypocritical since I am confused to the max over this issue myself and ask for advice, but...I don't know. I would suggest you take some time out and just think about it. If this is you, then this is you. What you do with that knowledge is the next question. Regardless, we are all supportive of you, whoever you are.

[Guest jantonio]

Hi Emma:

Sounds to me that you are trying to be yourself but at the same time you are concerned for your parents feelings. This is normal for all of us. About the feelings that there were periods of time when you felt like your natural born self it is also normal. In my case there were periods of times in my life that I felt happy fitting in as a woman but still in the inside of me there was my male side. I always felt a man even at a young age and I never did fit in quite well with other girls. I tried so hard to play the female role that finally I couldn't keep it any longer and it caught up with me.

Bottom line is there's going to be a point in your life where you are going to have to make that decision. All it matters is that you deserve to be happy and the way to be happy is to be yourself.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Emmabear]

Thanks guys. I know I have a lot of thinking to do..

I'm still not sure if this is for sure.. you know?

Maybe it's not... you know what I mean?

I need time, but I don't want to take too long, because if I do and then it does turn out to be for certain, it's time that I would have lost and won't get back... This is really tough.. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do?

I would also like to come out to my my mom (she seemed to take it better), but I want to be sure... for sure..

[Guest katiewana]

Thanks guys. I know I have a lot of thinking to do..

I'm still not sure if this is for sure.. you know?

Maybe it's not... you know what I mean?

I need time, but I don't want to take too long, because if I do and then it does turn out to be for certain, it's time that I would have lost and won't get back... This is really tough.. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do?

I would also like to come out to my my mom (she seemed to take it better), but I want to be sure... for sure..

Emma,

Your story sounds a lot like mine, I did and still do in many ways fit the male streotype. I ride downhill bikes, love working on cars all sorts of things thought of as being "male" activities. Like you I noticed something was a little off in my early teen years, I started trying on my sisters clothes and found myself feeling much comfier in them than I did my own. Didn't really think anything much of it until I got into my twenties when I really started to realize that there was just something "off" about me.

My advice to you would be to take things slowly and don't rush into anything. I know you feel like precious time is wasting, I felt the same way about 2 years ago and tried to just rush into transitioning. I ended up getting scared by everything happening so quickly and ran away from it all for a little under a year, something I really regret doing now. So take it easy, don't rush anything and make sure you focus on the healing the rest of you along with your gender issues. Most importantly find a good therapist who you are comfortable with to help guide you through everything.

-Katie