Overwhelmed And Frustrated..

[Guest My_Genesis]

I've heard some people say they'd like to see improvements in FTM surgeries, but it becomes so overwhelming to me when I try to figure out just how long it will take before they find a surgery for us that will make us pretty much like any other bio-male. The problem is as long as I don't have realistic..um.."male parts", I can't see myself in any kind of sexual relationship...I don't really know how to explain it, but it seems traumatizing to me just thinking about it. I always dream about the day I can get married and have kids just like anyone else...then I think about how long it might be until that can even be a reality in my life, and I don't know how I can make it happen...like what if it's going to be 10-20 more years? I want to make it go faster, but i don't know what to do. I thought about doing some kind of petition or something, or getting people together who would support this idea and presenting it to medical researchers or something. It just seems like no one is really paying attention to the conflicts that arise because of the current surgeries available to FTMs. I get jealous when I see "normal" people, in other words non-trans people (this would include non-trans homosexuals), just because they can simply have relationships...until I have a "real" male body, I just can't. And it's really frustrating because it's like I'm left out of society and all I can do is dream about the day I can go on dates and all that just like anyone else, wothout having to worry about feeling traumatized about it, or obsessing over how male I would actually appear in the world, or if I'd look like some kind of freak. I want to do research in college, but as an undergrad, IDK how far I'd be able to go with it, and professors might think I'm insane if I go around suggesting the idea to work with a trans person to come up with a better surgery...it's like I'm the only one thats looking into this stuff - everyone is focused on HIV/AIDS and cancer and all that. I know that sounds mean, I just wish people would get together and find better surgeries for us, and realize how frustrating it is for me to not be able to be in a relationship with anyone until they come up with a better surgery. How can i get through college like this? (Plus I'll be living with a roommate, which I find kinda awkward, esp. if we end up being friends and I'd have to tell her about all this trans stuff...)

I don't know what to do anymore. It seems so much easier to wait around, but if I do that, nothing really is getting done, so I feel like if i dont go out nd do this for myself, it wont happen soon enough in my life. Does anyone have any ideas about how I can make this move more quickly? Would it be weird if I started some kind of group or petition or something like that to "raise awareness", so to speak? Because the only awareness people seem concerned about in the trans community is about rights and anti-discrimination (is that a word?) and all that, but dont you think if we looked just like any other bio-male (or bio-female), that would actually help with discrimination and people's negative perception of us? I'm honestly more concerned with having a normal male body than with fighting discrimination and trying to get people to accept us...I think if we improved the whole process (even top surgery) the latter would work itself out from there anyway.

So, any suggestions?? I'm just tired of always feeling so stuck...I'm already missing the male childhood I always wanted, I don't want to waste half my life waiting to be male..because until I am, thats exactly what it is - it's wasting my life, because I just cant enjoy life with this haunting me everywhere I go, at every given hour of every day of my life. I wish I could relive my entire life as a male so I dont feel like I'm just waiting around for my life to actually begin.

Any help would be appreciated..even if you dont have suggestions or anything, it would be nice to know if someone else understands where I'm coming from. Thanks everyone.

[Guest Snow Angel]

I hear ya. Dysphoria can be strong sometimes. Don't let it stop you from living though. Look on the bright side, at least we weren't born in the 1600's. However, I do agree that society hasn't evolved fast enough. They should have been listening to us about one hundred years ago. And many people do persecute and discriminate against us. That's probably why surgeries aren't publicly talked about or researched. Also, it's probably not the most funded or donated to cause.

[Guest Sergei]

I understand what you mean. I just want that normal male body as well. The surgeries they offer don't even seem worth it now. I saw one guy on transter who looked really great, but then I read on and realised he had had 15 operations!!!! I don't know over how many years, but you bet your life he still wasn't perfect. Its just o frustrating.

I don't agree that we should give up fighting dicrimination though. Ok, biologically we are at major diadvantages. But at least as transsexual men we can blend in well in society. Become invisible if we choose. We don't face the prejudice that many transwomen, and gender queer people face. That's why even if they could make me into an almost perfect bioguy I would still be openly transsexual.

But I still really feel your frustration on the surgery front. Keep working. You may only be an undergrad now, but you can work your way up, and the higher you go, the more people will listen to your thoughts and respect the issues you raise. I'm a postgrad student so trust me (although in music so there is nothing I can do to help us lol) xx

[Guest Jack Solomon]

I've heard some people say they'd like to see improvements in FTM surgeries, but it becomes so overwhelming to me when I try to figure out just how long it will take before they find a surgery for us that will make us pretty much like any other bio-male. The problem is as long as I don't have realistic..um.."male parts", I can't see myself in any kind of sexual relationship...I don't really know how to explain it, but it seems traumatizing to me just thinking about it. I get jealous when I see "normal" people, in other words non-trans people (this would include non-trans homosexuals), just because they can simply have relationships...until I have a "real" male body, I just can't. And it's really frustrating because it's like I'm left out of society and all I can do is dream about the day I can go on dates and all that just like anyone else, wothout having to worry about feeling traumatized about it, or obsessing over how male I would actually appear in the world, or if I'd look like some kind of freak. I'm just tired of always feeling so stuck...I'm already missing the male childhood I always wanted, I don't want to waste half my life waiting to be male..because until I am, thats exactly what it is - it's wasting my life, because I just cant enjoy life with this haunting me everywhere I go, at every given hour of every day of my life. I wish I could relive my entire life as a male so I dont feel like I'm just waiting around for my life to actually begin.

Any help would be appreciated..even if you dont have suggestions or anything, it would be nice to know if someone else understands where I'm coming from. Thanks everyone.

I definately understand where you're coming from. I couldn't have said the part I quoted better myself, because it is a mirror image of what I experience. I'm on testosterone, but I often feel...futile. I have very bad days sometimes. I'm very logical, and the wheels keep turning in my head, thinking about all the stuff I've missed out in childhood and what I'm missing out in young adulthood. And I do feel like I've wasted a large portion of my life. I can't see having sexual relationships at all with what I've got...the idea is indeed disturbing, and despairing. People can say 'give it a chance' but they don't realize how consuming all these issues as a whole are, especially the 'not having male parts' issue. Could they have sex with female organs when their brain is wired for being the penetrative partner? For most men, it's unlikely. If they believe they can, I applaud their openmindedness, but it's still not a handicap they'll ever realistically have to face in this lifetime.

And everything about my physical body just reminds me of my position. The testosterone is helping, seeming to fill out my shoulders already and change my voice, but I'll never realistically have the same body I would have as if I had been born physically male. I look at myself and it makes me angry.

I do not want the label to follow me around throughout life. I can recognize the courage of people who are comfortable being openly transsexual, but I just want to be seen as a man, judged for my character and accomplishments and not for being born with a female body.

So yeah, I can relate. I like your ideas, but I don't have anything to contribute right now. I agree that I am more concerned with similar issues. Discrimination is a major problem and one many of us are vulnerable to, but I am more concerned with transsexuals being hindered in life by their condition and surgical improvement does seem like one way to go. I may post again with something more succinct.

Solomon

[Guest My_Genesis]

Thanks for all your replies. Jack, I'm really glad I'm not the only one experiencing this frustration. It was such a relief reading your post...for someone to say that I took words out of their mouth is pretty much a first...I was thinking about writing a column or something about this in my school newspaper in college, because I really do feel this need to let people have an insider perspective on this and maybe realize what it's like to feel like the life you're living isn't your own. I appreciate you reply..I hope more of us can relate to this and maybe we'll be able to make stuff happen

[Guest jantonio]

Yeah I totally understand what you are saying. I always envied men, their bodies and what they had. The fact that they could be dads and have a wife. I remember clearly like if it was yesterday me in church, standing right next to me is a man and his pregnant wife. You don't imagine how jealous I felt, inside of me I was saying "OMG, I should be that man, that should be my pregnant wife!". Right there in the middle of church while everyone is praying to God, I am asking God "Why me? I should be him". But anyway, I am still happy for the fact that I am transitioning eventhough I won't ever have the required anatomical parts of a bio male. I just hope I can find a loving partner that accepts me for who I am.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Mr. Fox]

Current surgery offer you one of two choices: the ability to have penetrative sex or the ability to have an male function without using a pump. Neither phallic choice lets you have children, looks good, or even ejaculates. I personally try to think on the bright side: metoidoplasty may not provide me with something large even for intercourse, but I can still enjoy . . . um . . . other amenities. Also, I am but young, so I figure by the time have paid for the rest of transition and have enough money for genital surgery, they will have something better, or be near to having something better. I hope, anyway.

Adrian

[Guest My_Genesis]

That's what I'm hoping too...I feel like it's not happening quickly enough, and this surgery is so far behind its time, yet no one seems to pay much attention to it; now it's like the only surgeries people are focused on improving are either for health purposes (which obviously makes sense, esp. if it's a more severe health problem), or plastic surgeries like breast implants (which doesn't make sense, because I think we need them removed more than those people need augmentation..)

I just think that if i do end up working on improving this stuff, or researching it in college, I need to have some kind of timeline, yet I have no idea how long this will actually take..and I'm afriad to find out..what if i end up asking about it and am told it's going to be at least another 20 years?

[Guest Seth]

If the petition'd work, I'll sign it!

[Guest My_Genesis]

yeah i'm thinking about finding a group of ftm's and docs or something to help me out...this won't happen soon enough if only one person is working on it :/

[Guest Seth]

If you find a bigger group of people and some doctors to help with this, I'll definatly do as much as a teenager can do to help.

Keep my updated.

[Guest theEND]

Thanks for all your replies. Jack, I'm really glad I'm not the only one experiencing this frustration. It was such a relief reading your post...for someone to say that I took words out of their mouth is pretty much a first...I was thinking about writing a column or something about this in my school newspaper in college, because I really do feel this need to let people have an insider perspective on this and maybe realize what it's like to feel like the life you're living isn't your own. I appreciate you reply..I hope more of us can relate to this and maybe we'll be able to make stuff happen

You're definately not the only feeling the frustration, I doubt there is a single FTM who doesn't feel similarly. It drives me mad >_<

[Guest Seth]

I sent Dr. Marci Bowers an email, asking if she'd heard of this, if she be interested in persuing perfecting it, yadda yadda.

Just gotta wait for a reponse now.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Cool, thanks Seth

lol I'm a teenager too..which is why I need to find professionals and other people to help..

[Guest Seth]

Yeah.

I may bring it up with my gender therapist and my family doctor.

Most likely not my doctor.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Brought it up the first session with my therapist. Not that there's much they can do...

Still thinking about who to discuss it with so that it would actually GET somewhere. Because this really frustrates me sometimes, if I step out of my mind for a minute and think about what I'm doing, I think of someone with a rare form of cancer praying for a cure within the next decade. how likely is that?

That means someone would need to step up big time. It's like waiting around for a miracle. I hate to think of it that way, and i wish someone would tell me otherwise, tell me we're closer to this than I think we are. I want to know that from someone. That there's someone working on it and they want it to happen ASAP. I just want it to happen already! I'm basically wasting my life sitting around waiting for this, because I'm always thinking about it.

To want something this badly for 16 years and still not have it, and still not know when it's gonna happen...and it just keeps building up, all your frustration, all your anger, piling on over 16 years...that takes a lot out of you. How much longer can I go?

On a lighter note, maybe we should gather up all the members here to sign a petition and forward it to the mods, see what they can do with it since Laura mentioned that they hear from a lot of universities and stuff

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

I definately understand where you're coming from. I couldn't have said the part I quoted better myself, because it is a mirror image of what I experience. I'm on testosterone, but I often feel...futile. I have very bad days sometimes. I'm very logical, and the wheels keep turning in my head, thinking about all the stuff I've missed out in childhood and what I'm missing out in young adulthood. And I do feel like I've wasted a large portion of my life. I can't see having sexual relationships at all with what I've got...the idea is indeed disturbing, and despairing. People can say 'give it a chance' but they don't realize how consuming all these issues as a whole are, especially the 'not having male parts' issue. Could they have sex with female organs when their brain is wired for being the penetrative partner? For most men, it's unlikely. If they believe they can, I applaud their openmindedness, but it's still not a handicap they'll ever realistically have to face in this lifetime.

Wow, and I thought I was the only one who felt this way. My genitals can cause me immense trauma and disturbances. Sometimes just looking down, or peeing, or cleaning myself has induced crippling anxiety attacks. I can say that my sex life has been riddled with unhappiness from the get-go and actually having sex feeling all sewn up and with this awful alien flesh tube attached to me (being MtF myself) can be really horrifying and traumatizing. Truly, I have been to the brink of suicide many times over the years.

So I don't do it. My current lover understands this, and doesn't even ask me. She asks me what I want, and I ask her what she wants. We talk. We discover ways we feel comfortable.

CisGendered people sometimes don't enjoy sex at all either. I've discovered this over the years. Some of them have PTSD and can be freaked out by it about as much as me. Some of them have never had anyone help them explore what they like. I've held someone while she cried through her PTSD trauma, again and again. I think she probably suffered as much as me. In the end, when it came down to it, the physicality of what I felt I wanted was impossible for us, but we still found closeness and intimacy.

Can I date just anyone? NO!

I've dated mostly bisexual men and women. Gay men hate me. Dykes can really hate on me too. Bisexuals are about like us in the queer community though, in that people don't want to understand them because they're threatening. And cool queer people, whether they're cisgendered or trans (I've dated a transman and a transwoman before too), usually are cool with me being trans. Outside of the world of accepting people, when I tell a girlfriend I can't have kids unless I can carry the baby and give birth to it, they might run the other way (some have, and it was very sad). When I tell a regular, masculine identified, male worshipping gay man that I consider myself a woman, I get horrible responses (many of those gay men think girls are ewww gross, and can be quite mean).

Maybe don't even have sex with someone. I was 28 before I had penetrative sex. I didn't like it. I felt like I'd had my right arm sawed off and was trying to write shakespeare with my left hand. And often I felt horrible, absolutely horrible, and just did it to give something to her that she liked. I should never have been in that relationship. It hurt me a lot to do that and I don't like it. I paid for it. So I don't do it.

My lover now though, we both are humans and we explore something where we both can feel comfortable being close. Is it perfect? NO WAY. God no. Sometimes it still hurts. It's heartbreaking to me. I'm sure you understand that in a way that most people never would. I look forward to being close to her some day after having some really good surgery, but even for MtF... I know you guys have it worse -- but I'm frankly freaked out by things like the "tissue necrosis" rates of even the best MtF SRS surgeons in the world. I may never have that, or it may be when I'm 45. That thought makes me sad. But I still try to live my life. I still seek to be close to someone I can love!

-----------------

Regarding research. I agree. I have a patent applied for and am working on going into manufacturing here in Asia. I hope to spend millions funding research. I can't do it myself, but maybe I can put three amazing scientist surgeons through school and fund their research... and they'll agree that come hell or high water, or even me being so old that the "risks" seem like a lot, I get my surgery. Period.

People do amazing things. Maybe "my genesis" will be the person with the breakthrough for all of us, FtM and MtF alike. Maybe I'll be the person who funds all that. At the end of the day I'd think of the suicide rate and all the lives I helped to save and I'd die a happy lady.

Here's to all of you. I respect your manhood and I respect where you're coming from. I feel you, in my own perspective.

-jeannine

[Guest My_Genesis]

Regarding research. I agree. I have a patent applied for and am working on going into manufacturing here in Asia. I hope to spend millions funding research. I can't do it myself, but maybe I can put three amazing scientist surgeons through school and fund their research... and they'll agree that come hell or high water, or even me being so old that the "risks" seem like a lot, I get my surgery. Period.

People do amazing things. Maybe "my genesis" will be the person with the breakthrough for all of us, FtM and MtF alike. Maybe I'll be the person who funds all that. At the end of the day I'd think of the suicide rate and all the lives I helped to save and I'd die a happy lady.

Here's to all of you. I respect your manhood and I respect where you're coming from. I feel you, in my own perspective.

-jeannine

What "manhood"?! That's the problem exactly!!

LOL. just kidding. kinda..

that sounds cool what you said about your work in Asia. hit me up if you ever need an assistant or something haha!

it's hard to imagine doing something you arent wired to do, let alone actually doing it. to be completely honest, i dont understand ftm's who were able to have sex pre-transition. like Jack said if you're wired to be the penetrative partner how can you not be completely traumatized if you're actually on the "other side" in the situation? lol.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Maybe don't even have sex with someone. I was 28 before I had penetrative sex. I didn't like it. I felt like I'd had my right arm sawed off and was trying to write shakespeare with my left hand. And often I felt horrible, absolutely horrible, and just did it to give something to her that she liked. I should never have been in that relationship. It hurt me a lot to do that and I don't like it. I paid for it. So I don't do it.

The thought of having to wait that long is another part of the problem

[Sally]

The thought of having to wait that long is another part of the problem

You young people have such a hard time waiting - I knew al of my life that I was transsexual and because of that could never even imagine having sex the 'wrong' way - I'm 57 heading into 58 and still a virgin - you need to learn patience.

Now if you will excuse me I' going to take a cold shower and bandage my hand as I have been biting it rather hard while I typed thatconfession.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Did someone say "virgin"?

Ooop, sorry, forgot myself, nevermind. lol.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Did someone say "virgin"?

Ooop, sorry, forgot myself, nevermind. lol.

Oh no you didn't!

...but you did.

Glad to see you lurking, Evan. We've missed you!

[Guest DanM]

Hey I am 45 and I have waited along time for science and the medical field to come up with something that is more feasible. No matter how long it takes it is going to cost money. You need to think about saving as much as you can now, just so you can afford any precedure you plan on having.

Until then we do our part by raising awareness to the discrimination that we as transgendered face on a daily basis, because for most even after all the surgeries and hormones and thereapy, there will still be discrimination until we find a way to radicate it, maybe in another million years there won't be anyone who sees us as different. But until then we do what we need to just to survive.

Research takes years and because there is money in finding better ways to provide us with better surgeries they will continue to do their research. As long as they know we will pay whatever it takes to me as normal as anyone else they will continue with the research. Because to most of them its all about the money.

There are a few who really do care about our situation and are trying to do their part, it just takes time and patience.

[Sally]

Did someone say "virgin"?

Yes I did.

The strange thing is that in my lifetime I have watched a shift from seeing virginity as a good thing and admiring those who could exercise the self control required to remain so - to having it be the biggest joke on anyone who is past their 6^th birthday!

I have maintained my virginity because it just never felt right to me to have sex with either male or female - I hope that after my transition I will find someone and finally have the experience that so many people seem to feel is the only reason to exist - it is the only reason to buy a car, deodorant, hair products and even sandwiches - I must have missed everything in life while I was busy traveling around the world and photographing Whales in Alaska and Hawaii and Penguins in Antarctica everyone else was in a dark room doing the same thing over and over with as many different partners as possible - gee I don't really think that I missed as much as they did.

If no one ever wants me once I am at peace with my body then I'll die a virgin - in two genders and still have lived a full and mostly happy life - I don't feel cheated at all - shift your perspectives and sex becomes less of a driving force.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Auggggghhhh

I watch this topic roll on!

A MTF here - guys!

It's EXACTLY the same

"So, any suggestions?? I'm just tired of always feeling so stuck...I'm already missing the male childhood I always wanted, I don't want to waste half my life waiting to be male..because until I am, thats exactly what it is - it's wasting my life, because I just cant enjoy life with this haunting me everywhere I go, at every given hour of every day of my life. I wish I could relive my entire life as a male so I dont feel like I'm just waiting around for my life to actually begin."

Let me write it from my point of view,:

So, any suggestions?? I'm just tired of always feeling so stuck...I'm already missing the female childhood I always wanted, I don't want to waste half my life waiting to be female..because until I am, thats exactly what it is - it's wasting my life, because I just cant enjoy life with this haunting me everywhere I go, at every given hour of every day of my life. I wish I could relive my entire life as a female so I dont feel like I'm just waiting around for my life to actually begin.

You get the idea - then realize I had to wait until I was sixty-one years old to start transition!

AUGGGGGHHHHHH

Surgery works better for us MTF - but hormones don't.. I know we get the better deal, but - BUT when I was younger NO WAY to transition! Just NO WAY!

We are all very - very - very sad people, at the mercy of medical science and the insane 'Conditions!''

I have to live a year as a woman at my job? I try - I get fired. Now I need to back out and try again... and if I can't get a job I can't pay to transition - and if I transition on the job, I get fired...

AUGGGGGHHHHHH

Venting like a volcano!

Lizzy