Coward Or Not.

[princecharmless]

Come out, come out wherever you are....I even had to be almost forced into coming out to my friends on MSN by a friend on Yahoo. Others tried before to make me do this, "Just tell them"....(hilariously they asked me if i was FTM or MTF). I eventually had to because a 16 year old kid I have never met and I made a sort of bargain - I tell my friends, he tells his mother. All power to that kid, it went very well for him. Biggest step taken, well done. It's hard enough with my internet friends, what about the people I know in life? I don't know many now, I have isolated myself for years.

My cowardice eats me, it is something that comes from caution, consideration of others' feelings, health, years of denying myself and most of all the effect of rejection last time round. In 1985 I came out to a lot of people. My best friends never spoke to me again, and I had been certain they would be solidly on my side. Word spread and nobody from the ones who knew contacted me again. I chose two others to trust, they used it to extort small amounts of money from me. I told friend from work who seemed fine about it, then quietly told me she didn't want to spend much time with me anymore.

Am I the world's worst judge of character? I found out who my true friends were alright - nobody, but I would have staked my life on my best friends being ok about me. It rocked me back on my heels. Other events conspired to drive me away from my true identity. Long story... anyway.. why am I still not out to my family?: Mother of 78 with high blood pressure, at risk of stroke, depressive, can be violent. Sister a rather strict born again Christian, her husband a pastor. She is, we think, about to crack up from the strain of looking after her sick daughter and two other kids, there are other reasons / excuses... Try telling them not only am I transsexual but also gay, it is something we here can understand but to them it would be equivalent to saying I was from the planet Saturn. Does anyone need grief from my direction? I am meant to be the strong one. I have thought of ending it, making my death seem like an accident but it would still be suicide and I know I am not allowed to do that. Whatever my life is, it is still a gift I cannot refuse. I hate my situation, all the wasted years, my cowardice makes me furious but I was a little bit brave when I was 19. LOL boy am I stuck! So what do you think, coward or not? Sorry for the longer-than-my-usual post, it's 2.40 am and my head feels full of cotton wool, hope this makes sense, thanks for reading it.

[pennyjane]

hi princecharmless. well, i'm not a big fan of the word "coward", seems like such a permanent residence. i think we all submit to our fears at least for awhile. sounds to me as if you have faced up to them before and got your head knocked off. that happens. next time, i'm not so sure i would call it as much fear as having learned from your past. and then, too, having compassion and understanding for your loved ones and caring how if might affect them....i don't see how that connects to cowardice at all. for some, myself included, this remains a dream for a very long time. i was 54 when i came out/transitioned. the time was just here to do it. sometimes one can find solice in just the knowlege until their time comes up right. knowing the truth should be worth some peace. at any rate, i don't see how i could devalue anyone who doesn't force the issue in the face of such possible negative consequences. a coward just denies everything is't as it should be and goes along with the program unaware, in bliss. the truth can be worth a lot of challenge too. lotsa love and hope, pj

[Guest karen_h]

your not a coward looks to me that you are facing the demons in your life head forward. stand tall and proud of who you are. and no you did not ramble lol. karen

[Guest matthew41]

It makes a lot of sense. Definitely not a coward, you have persevered despite set backs along the way. Except for a few differences, you and I followed nearly identical time lines. 1985 was my big come out year and I told my parents too, then I pulled it all back in to please others. I lost many friends. I think that times have changed and people are much better informed now then they were back then. My folks came around after 20 years of thinking I would grow out of it. But thats just me, I was lucky. Sorry to hear there is peer pressure making you feel bad about yourself. Its easy for someone else to tell you what you should do when they are not standing in your shoes. Its your path to walk.

Matt

[princecharmless]

Penyjane, Karen_h and Matthew41, thank you very much for your replies. Last night I was pretty low, heading into that whirlpool feeling. You have pulled me back. So good that this site exists, so glad I didn't join a certain other place that shall remain nameless.... they would have cut me into ribbons and dumped me overboard.

As for peer pressure, I know they are only trying to help me be me. It amazes me how strong and positive some people are, it's not such an unheard of thing these days - still, it will never be easy. I will pick my time.. and in the meantime keep leaving magazines containing pertinent articles around the house lol. Who knows, maybe I am selling my family short, it could be fine! Thanks again, Stuart.

[Guest NickSister]

I think you should stop being so hard on yourself. What you have is self preservation instinct and you care about those you are close to. The struggle is so difficult because there is a lot at stake - that is the life that you know. This does not make you a bad person or a coward, just a sane person with a lot on their plate.

I wish I could say something to make the situation easier, but things will be hard no matter what. You are not reposnsible for you families reactions. Their reactions are their own choices to make. As with many things in life there will never be a good time so you might as well get living.

Edited August 6, 2007 by NickSister

[Guest Jenny]

The best thing to do, is do what is comfortable for you and it will work out, plenty of luck and hugs

[princecharmless]

Wise words all, thank you NickSister, Jenny. Love and hugs x

[Guest SharleahLynn]

You have to do as you feel at ease with doing . Not everyone can do as I did. When I came out to the world, I was standing on my front porch. I just raised my hands up and said

THIS IS ME, FOR THOSE THAT LIKE ME , FINE....... FOR THOSE THAT DON'T LIKE ME, OH WELL , ITS THEIR LOSS , NOT MINE. I have went on the premise that a true friend will stand by you , regardless of the situation. Unlike the "so-called friends" . Those are the ones that say they are your friend , and run like the devil was after them when you need them the most.

You just need to locate your comfort zone and run with it. And remember , you have real friends here , we will support you on your journey . Peace, Love , Hugs , and Kisses

SharleahLynn

[Guest karen_h]

once you get sure of yourself then it's all down hill from there no looking back just looking forward with anticipation toward what you have known you are