A Problem

[Guest Danielle4Life]

Hello Anyone and Everyone!

My name is Danielle Jamie (originally Daniel James), but I was trying to tell my mom a couple of times who I was, and she completely rejects it, or say that I'm giving her a headache. I am 18 years old, and I am a transgirl. When I was little, I used to dream that I was a girl, and when I was 7, I woke up in the middle of the night screaming "I'm Pregnant". My first day of kindegarten was horrible because I put on my sister's white tights, and my mom noticed and said to take those off; boys don't wear those things. I thought they would've noticed my difference, but they never mentioned it or anything. I literally call myself on my chatname "The Invisible Girl". I want to grow my hair long, but my mom always said to cut it short and forced me too. When I asked her today why she said those things, she said something like, "it looked uneven and disoriented... I don't know". I was wearing extreme low-rise jeans, which are perfect, but she tore me apart and said that I don't look good in them. I have even "mastered", lol, the tucking strategy (pushing my testicles inside my abdomen, so it can look like a vagina for now), until I can get that. I even went on the internet and bought pills for my breasts to grow, and I only took two and I had extreme anxiety for 8 months. But after being on prozzac for a year, I now kind of regret not taking them, but I still think I was not ready for that transformation yet.

Does anyone have similar experiences?

Danielle confuzzled...

[Guest raydub]

Hey Danielle,

Thank you for sharing yourself and your story with us. I want to encourage you to keep away from self-medicating, especially when it comes to hormones. That practice can be very dangerous, even fatal. I used to self-medicate, but nothing as subtle as pills from the internet. Im a recovering addict and very happy to say that I am recovering - one day at a time - and have been for over two years now.

Myself as well as many other people on here understand the feelings youre experiencing. Keep posting about it and talking with us. Maybe we can help if only provide you some comfort. Just know that we understand and that we can say that things can and will get better. Sometimes, all we need is time. Really..its all we have.

Please take care of yourself...naaah...be downright NICE to yourself.

Raymond

[Guest Evan_J]

Can't agree with Ray enough. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous. That's true of hormones or ANY illegal drugs. No matter where you get them from the truth is you can NEVER truely know what is or is not in them. Synthetic chemicals are just like plastic diapers, they never break down and get eliminated from the body.

"One or two pills" composed of who-knows-what can have all kinds of effects for an undetermined length of time therefore.

We're glad you're here though and hope you'll stick around.

Not sure what all of the dynamics of your life are, but at 18 you probably are working out where you'll be, will you continue to live home, are you going to college type of stuff. Take your time, let this me one more thing that is just part of you and work the "what I'm gonna do or not" naturally and at its own pace.

[Guest jantonio]

Ditto, just like Ray and Evan said, don't self medicate. Doing hormones by yourself without a supervised doctor is a huge No, No. My suggestions to you is to try to find a gender therapist that can help you. Once you have an established gender therapist maybe you can have a session with your mother with the therapist. Parents normally don't understand because they are afraid of loosing you.

Anyway, I wish you the best and keep posting any questions here.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Danielle4Life]

Thanks you guys! Another problem arises as fast as the last one gets pushed down.. I am studying in Thunder Bay.. Unfortunately there aren't any Gender therapists near there that I could find, but I did find a Gender Identity Clinic at my university. I can also get support there I think. I did see my doctor after i took those two pills and they did hormone tests and said that it was a normal males. Thank God they were only vitamin supplements.

[Guest raydub]

glad to hear the supplements didnt change things that they shouldntve. are you feeling better though?

that clinic sounds like a winner, good job!

youll be on your way in no time.

take care and good luck. we're here if/when you need us k?

Ray

[Guest Danielle4Life]

glad to hear the supplements didnt change things that they shouldntve. are you feeling better though?

that clinic sounds like a winner, good job!

youll be on your way in no time.

take care and good luck. we're here if/when you need us k?

Ray

Thank you so much Ray!

I'm actually somewhat regreting not taking them. That Gender Identity Clinic is more like a club, and social group. Good thing it won't be so bad. Alot of the time I don't feel pretty enough to have anyone love me either. I believe my anxiety was caused by my gender dysphoria (if that's what you call it). I went to church in rainbow tights, eyeliner, eyeshadow, etc. But was given strange looks and asked too many questions. I was embarrassed... My ex-girlfriend was the only person that ever knew me, she knew she was a lesbian with me, and she loved me alot. she would do my make-up and I would do hers, and we would go to school as lesbians. Most people didn't even know I was biologically male.. LOL I guess our body really reflects who we are on the inside, by how we act on the outside. Our bodies almost adapt to who we are. It's amazing!

But Ray, I am so thankful for having your support and you other guys! Here I can finally be accepted.

[Guest Mezi]

I wont really support self medding... but I did it for a long time until I finally got me health insurance and then I went to my doc and did some blood tests and didnt find anything wrong with me and really didnt find anything wrong with the HRT meds I had ordered. My doc, my counselor, and my psychiatrist dont know about hormone stuff and wont prescribe them to me... but my doc just says to stay on my lower doses of the stuff ive been on for awhile until I find a specialist in this area ... so self medding can be dangerous if you really dont know wut u are getting and wuts happening to yur body

on further note, good luck in yur gender endeavors . find yur emotional balance and express yur self in the way u want. its yur life after all Just try not to step on too many toes yet. Take yur time, gain yur confidence, and go thru the many emotional stages until u have yurself figured out

[Guest Jack Solomon]

Hi, Danielle,

Its good to hear that those pills just turned out to be vitamin supplements. A lot of websites online sell fake pills of this type which are advertised as being for transsexuals or to make your breasts grow but are in no way real hormone therapy (although a few websites do sell genuine HRT, but it can be so difficult to tell what's real that any purchasing can be potentially very risky for your health). Also, a breast enhancing supplement that is marketed as for transsexuals won't do what HRT can and may do nothing (or very little) in regards to growth. But I can definately understand you kind of regretting not taking them. A lot of us have regret over not starting earlier on hormones.

That's great that you had those experiences with your ex-girfriend and could go to school as a girl. Definately mention this to a gender therapist when you get one in the future. The therapist should consider this valuable real life experience you've spent going out in social situations as a female. Its info that is important for the therapist to know when they're making their decision to write the letter that certifies you are fit for HRT.

I'm sure you'll find many accepting friends here who have gone through similar situations.

Solomon

[Guest raydub]

Sounds like you had a wonderful relationship. From that experience alone, you must never forget that its possible. Take that experience and use it against the "not pretty enough" feelings because really - as long as you can be you and be happy with you on the inside..you will exude beauty on the outside. It all takes time and that's given to us, so lets take it!

At church..sometimes we are the only transsexuals a person has ever seen (or will ever see). I dont see questions as a bad thing, as long as they arent completely and unrealistically offensive. Try to look at it that way.. its an opportunity to educate someone. Or you can always tell them that you dont feel comfortable answering whatever they ask..you dont have to - its YOUR life.

Im glad that we are all here, to help and support each other - this is a wonderful place and i really AM glad that we've all found it. Im glad you can get the encouragement and support you seek here. Yes you ARE accepted here...and loved.

Raymond W.