Why Is My Reflection Someone I Don't Know?

[Guest Captain Troy]

(crossposted from another forum)

Hargle. I'm having a hard time lately with gender and a bit with my sexuality. I just feel like whenever I look in the mirror, I don't see me. I never did when I looked like a girl, and I still don't now that I look mostly like a boy. I just don't see what I'm expecting to, I guess? Even I'm not sure what I want to see when I look in the mirror, and it makes it very difficult to figure out whether I'm on entirely the wrong track and perhaps should be seeking treatment for some strange form of body-dysmorphic disorder. I'm just not happy with what I look like, haven't been in such a long time. When I looked in the mirror today, I was like "DANG I LOOK FINE. but something's a little off and I can't tell what it is." My face doesn't match my body, and I always, always have this weird feeling about my chest, even when I'm binding. I look weird and it doesn't make me happy at all.

I've been greatly distressed at some points recently about my body, to the point where I was crying while I was texting my boyfriend the other night, begging him to help me want to be a girl so things could be easier. I feel like if I could just want that, if I could just convince myself my heart and soul and brain could survive as a girl, my whole life would fall into place. But I can't make myself believe that, and every time I try, I feel like I'm trapped. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Perhaps my lack of ability to pick a side so to speak is just my nonbinary nature showing through, but I have to wonder if it means there's something wrong with me that I can never be happy the way I am.

In addition, I'm a bit confused about my relationship on one level, because I'm worried that once my boyfriend starts T, things are going to be weird, because his body's going to be changing so fast and I'm worried that it's going to freak me out or something. I've never been intimate with somebody who was male-assigned at birth, and I'm worried that once he starts to grow facial hair, and smell like a man, I might realise that I'm only attracted to bodies that look female. I don't think that's going to happen, because I swoon at John Barrowman and love to look at the Old Spice man, but it still scares me. In addition, it could be weird because while neither one of us fits into the bodies we were born with, I'm going to have a much harder time getting medical therapy than will he because I have so many more psychological and physical issues to sort out first, and I don't fit in as well with the binary. So there's the whole fear of becoming envious like I did when my brother hit puberty, and being resentful of it. I really hope this doesn't happen, but part of me has to wonder.

I'm mostly worried about figuring out who I am, because while I try to convince myself that it's okay to let myself be confused for now, I just feel so uncomfortable. Advice on either issue would rock though.

[Guest Cafe.Bike.Girl]

Hello Troy,

Ok, hopefully I've simplefied this. I've written it a few times and it's been clear as mud when I read it back to myself.

I think we all feel this to varying degrees and complexities. When I started seeing a gender therapist I was in a a similar boat. Some people do seek help to become comfortable with the bodies they are born with and even with full medical support and their friends help may find it more depressing and challenging than transitioning in the long run. Even if transitioning feels a bit extreme being comfortable with who you are is going to be the easiest route.

If I where to do anything different over the last 10 years it would have been to search for the truths within myself and not worry about sorting it all out at once. Find one thing simple about yourself that you like or that makes you happy and focus on that for a while. Once you feel comfortable with it think about another thing. Writing them down in a journal and reading them back to yourself every now and then helps. I've found this really helps me understand who I am and who I'm not without a lot of emotional clutter.

[JJ]

Although I am binary and know that I am male I shared a lot of the same feelings about body. Staying in this body while it is still so female to me is the biggest challenge I face.

Whenever people took pics of me i would stare and stare at them. As I would when I caught a reflection of myself in a window or mirror -people who caught me thought I was vain but that wasn't it. I was trying to recognize that person as really me. When people talked about meeting someone who looked like them I'd think-"How do they know?" on some level. It just felt unreal to be that person I knew others saw. Some connection was lacking. I was once a very attractive looking woman in the world's eyes but like you something was always off. When I came here I saw myself as maybe 30 percent female but after months now see that was the result of socialization. I am not female. I am female bodied-but that is changing .

And that's what allowed me to move back into this body and start feeling connected-the fact that I can change it to be mine. In a way I can accept when i look in the mirror. It's why I rejoice at every male change no matter how small-because it lets me stay in a body that is mine. Something to use rather than an enemy to abuse. I struggle with that every day still but to a lesser extent. And a few times i have felt gloriously connected and alive. I don't care what kind of man i am but to live in here I have to be one physically as well as mentally.

Are you seeing a GT? Working through who we really are and what we really need is a long difficult process. And a GT is indispensable.

As far as your partner changing I don't know what will help. There are some things that we just have to take as they come. What you fear may indeed happen or you may find that you are attracted to what he becomes because it is him, I wish you the best with that. The important thing will be to keep an open an honest dialogue between you I think,

Johnny

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Complicated!

I know you don't want to hear this, but a gender dysphoria trained therapist is the real answer.

I wish I had a magic answer.

Lizzy

[Guest Captain Troy]

Complicated!

I know you don't want to hear this, but a gender dysphoria trained therapist is the real answer.

I wish I had a magic answer.

Lizzy

That would rock if I could afford one. I've looked, and am going to try again once I have a job so I can put some of my money towards going to see a gender therapist, but in the meantime, what can I do to make my life less of a living hell?

[JJ]

Online therapists can be quite a bit less expensive from what i hear. There is a list here that has been checked out. If you go with online be sure to research the therapist if you get the name elsewhere. Not everyone online is qualified.

http://lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Also if you contact one and their method doesn't work for you or your system keep trying because they use different methods.

All I know to tell you to help is work at focusing on what you CAN do. And look for positive things you can enjoy. Even researching these therapists could help because it is a step forward and i feel much better when I am moving forward.

Johnny

[Guest Captain Troy]

Online therapists can be quite a bit less expensive from what i hear. There is a list here that has been checked out. If you go with online be sure to research the therapist if you get the name elsewhere. Not everyone online is qualified.

http://lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Also if you contact one and their method doesn't work for you or your system keep trying because they use different methods.

All I know to tell you to help is work at focusing on what you CAN do. And look for positive things you can enjoy. Even researching these therapists could help because it is a step forward and i feel much better when I am moving forward.

Johnny

I already know where I'm going to go to find a therapist when the time comes, there's a local organization that will help me pay for it, sliding scale and the like. Just gonna take awhile, and in the meanwhile, the confusion can be suffocating at times.

[JJ]

Yes, we spend so much time waiting. For funds, or hormones and then for them to work or conditions in our lives to change -and while we wait we suffer. I so wish I had an answer because we all need one at many times in this process but all I know is to keep the focus as positive as possible. Creative projects have always helped me-writing poetry seems to release feelings when I can't get past them. And when I paint or sculpt or write my world becomes what I am creating and everything else goes away. Unfortunately I can forget to eat or drink and time loses all meaning when I am creating

Oddly fishing can do that for me too. I float tube and the calm beauty of the water around me is hypnotic. A physical problem prevented me from doing that the last couple of years and I felt the difference. This year thankfully I can return to it. I have de-stressed that way for decades. A day on the water keeps me calm for the rest of the week.

But what works for me will be different for you, Find things that give you a complete escape as those things do for me -whether it is gaming (not as good in a way because physical stuff releases more stress) or a hobby you once loved, and lose yourself for awhile. Get away from the whole trans thing.

The only other thing is to focus on what is positive and try to stop or redirect those nasty nagging, inner dialogues when they start. No one can succeed in that all the time-some days I give in to a brief howl of despair-then do the whole positive thing on myself and go on.

If you have no choice right now then why focus on it? Attitude is really in the end the key to life-and I wish I had learned that decades before I did. It is my greatest regret in life actually.

Hope some of this may help even a little

Johnny

[Guest Captain Troy]

Yes, we spend so much time waiting. For funds, or hormones and then for them to work or conditions in our lives to change -and while we wait we suffer. I so wish I had an answer because we all need one at many times in this process but all I know is to keep the focus as positive as possible. Creative projects have always helped me-writing poetry seems to release feelings when I can't get past them. And when I paint or sculpt or write my world becomes what I am creating and everything else goes away. Unfortunately I can forget to eat or drink and time loses all meaning when I am creating

Oddly fishing can do that for me too. I float tube and the calm beauty of the water around me is hypnotic. A physical problem prevented me from doing that the last couple of years and I felt the difference. This year thankfully I can return to it. I have de-stressed that way for decades. A day on the water keeps me calm for the rest of the week.

But what works for me will be different for you, Find things that give you a complete escape as those things do for me -whether it is gaming (not as good in a way because physical stuff releases more stress) or a hobby you once loved, and lose yourself for awhile. Get away from the whole trans thing.

The only other thing is to focus on what is positive and try to stop or redirect those nasty nagging, inner dialogues when they start. No one can succeed in that all the time-some days I give in to a brief howl of despair-then do the whole positive thing on myself and go on.

If you have no choice right now then why focus on it? Attitude is really in the end the key to life-and I wish I had learned that decades before I did. It is my greatest regret in life actually.

Hope some of this may help even a little

Johnny

Thanks for that, it was kind of exactly what I need to hear right now. I think that you're right that there isn't much I can do in the meantime, and that I need to try to find things that make me happy. It's summer now, and over the past few days I've been having a rough time of finding myself positive, interesting things to keep busy with. I'm told to clean my room and look for a job, so instead my mind wanders off and I'm left worrying. Will I pass next year at college? Who should I tell? Do I pass now? Stuff like that. Just need to get this darn room clean and get out of the house so I can stop fretting over meta and just enjoy my life, I guess.

I feel like I've spent so much time wanting to be a normal teenager that I don't remember how anymore. I mean, I love gaming, but I need to do more than sit on my butt and play oblivion and portal all day to feel like I'm living a full life. Once my volunteer job starts up, life will be a bit better, I'll have work to do, and quite a bit of it. I just need to figure out what to do in my spare time other than gaming. Sports? Asthma makes that unpleasant. Art? Fun for awhile, but then I get bored. Time to hunt for a new hobby.

[Guest Emily Ray]

I am reminded of a poem I wrote just after going full-time.

When I look in the mirror I see what others see but when I lay down to sleep I see me

For many a year when I looked in the mirror I saw something diferent than what others saw and when I laid down to sleep I saw nothing at all

What a great change! You might say

What caused it? You might question

Time I would answer

Time to learn patience in searching for the truth

Acceptance I would add

Acceptance of the truth once discovered

Love I would finish

Love for others, love of others, and most important love of me

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Shh_kataclysm]

I can really relate to you not connecting with your reflection. Whenever I go to the bathroom, I've always found my eyes avoiding the mirror. I know what that's like - feeling detached, in an alien body that doesn't feel quite right.

I also had similar inner conflicts when I dated my boyfriend. While he was assigned male at birth, I could never connect with him. When he told me he loved me, I couldn't tell him I loved him back. I cried a lot too, when I realized I couldn't truly love him because I didn't know who I was - what gender I should be, what sexual orientation I had, and that it was keeping me from giving my heart to him.

I don't think you need to push yourself and "work harder" to become a girl. I think you should explore what feels right for you. And maybe continue to talk with your boyfriend and reach out to him for support. He might understand what you're going through.

[Guest Riana]

What you describe is very familiar. I've had similar feelings like I don't want to see my reflection... like I don't want to be reminded of what's on the outside. But I would always tell myself it's who I am, and I should just get used to it. So I forced myself to look, and I became jaded and insensitive, like it didn't matter what I did or what I looked like because I would hate myself anyway.