My Transgender Story

[Guest Jessie19822008]

My story when I was vary young in the 3rd grade I just hung out with one friend I was in Special Education classes and some mainstream classes. I was made fun of every day in school so I keep to myself. I loved when we got to go to the playground in school me and my friend had big Imaginations and make up stories and play it out in our heads but I would always want to play a girl. I would play a role of a female in are games every time me and my friend where outcast the kids in school would be vary mean to us we were all that we had. Until in the 4th grade the last 2 weeks left I told my friend Mike that I wish I was female and I always wanted to be a female. I know nothing really about females I just know that I always wanted to be one. He then said get away from me then that day he told everyone in school from then own I was really made fun of. When I entered Middle school kids then started to attack me mentally and physically the teachers did not care are do-nothing to stop it. Now that I have gotten this far I think I should tell you that I was being sexually abused by my grandfather from as early as I can remember so a short story on that is that. I was sexually abused and raped almost daily by my grandfather on my dad’s side. I did not tell anyone tell I was 9 when I told my Dad that his dad was abusing me. My dad got very upset and filled with rage as any other dad would. "My dad had Schizophrenia witch I also got when I hit my 20's" he then attacked my grandfather broke his car window trying to get him. My grandfather was very rich and powerful man he had my dad put in jail and later released to him my grandfather then keep my dad all drugged up for the rest of his life until his death in 2-24-03 (R.I.P Dad). Anyhow, I keep this hidden and never told anyone else until I was about 10 my grand dad paid off judge and hade six lawyers to my mom’s one lawyer. when I was in the court hose I made a big mistake that I only told half the story I only told the judge that I was touched and I was more than just touched I was raped. The case on my grand dad was dismissed. Now back to middle school now that I was still being beat up daily and called names daily like Sweetie! and other bad names. I did have 2 friends that lived on the same block as me a male and a female friend my male friend was very much of the male role he was the tough guy and juke of the school my female friend was under me by a grade. She was a cheerleader and vary popular in school I wanted to be like her I wished every night and prayed every night that I would wake up a female. Then I found the web “this was back when internet was just starting to pick up like when yahoo chat was first around” I would get on the net and say to people that I was a female and I loved it I could live out my life a false one but when I was on the web could be female I called my self Jen. Jen was everything that I wanted to be this was one of my outlets. my other was cutting I started to cut when was 12 years old I would cut until I saw blood. I would later find out way I cut way I liked it “I cut because when my grand dad was done raping me I would see my blood come down my hip onto my leg and I would know that he was done and it was over no more pain” I cut up till just 2 years ago. Then when I was entering High School “Ha I thought that Middle school was bad hell no” kids would attack me in front of teachers and the teachers would do nothing I would come home with marks on me all over me. They would pull me down backwards down stairs by my back pack tripe me every day I then said the hell with life I’m done. I thought I was totally alone I mean I still wanted to be female and I had no one to talk to and to me males where evil I hated males females would call me names but I still wanted to be them I loved the way there body was I was not into them sexually at all I just liked the way they looked. I tried my first Suicide at the age of 14 I cut my rest it failed then I keep trying over and over again I have tried everything I have almost died allot of the time but I’m still here. The doctors then said when I was 18 that I was Clinical Depression and Bi Poplar They later dropped Bi poplar I was later sent to the state hospital for 6 months of hell people there knew I was gay so the gay bashing began every day even by staff. Staff would hold me for others to attack. After the hospital I decided to change my ways I'm now 25 and my grandfather is dead he was murdered by someone " can you say Karma". Any how I just told my mom that I want to be a female which was very hard because she was just hardly taken the fact that I was gay. I told her this a year ago that I was gay but I feel that being gay is a cover because I want to be female so bad. If I can find a man that treats me like a female I would love it. My mom thinks that this is all because I was sexually abused I hate when people tell me that. I know my own feelings and body no other 3rd grade kid even if they were being abused would think I wish I was female let alone know much about females. I’m so happy that I found this site and that I hope I can make friends here. I hope to get allot of help holding the feelings in for so long and having no one to talk to. I feel this is going to be allot of help for me.

Thank you for taken the time to read this

Jesse

[Guest CharliTo]

oh my...sorry to hear what happened to you in the past... I also was called names and beaten up for things when I was in school. (For my case, luckily it stopped around high school...I have to thank that by the time I was in high school, all the people that others considered as "scary" or "terrible" or "crazy" were my school buddies...needless to say, the people who used to bully me left me alone)

I hope you can live for your future soon...and cope with what happened to you before... it'll be a looong process, but it'll be okay.

*hug*

Thanks for sharing.

Charlene.