How Taylor Came To Light...

[Guest TaylorMade]

I was adopted at 4 yrs old, my real mother kept all the 7 kids but me..I was abused and neglected, I went to live with a couple. And thinking I was safe I wasnt, My Adopted dad started messing at me not long after till I was 16..He slapped me around and made a example out of me.I had my share of boyfriends but I was using them to get out of the house so I wouldnt be with him..He always would say ( as sitting on top of me slapping me in the face) that I will only be good for one thing..and thats babies and making men happy..But I knew he was wrong and I knew I was NOT a female..I was a man and If I could have I would have shown him by whooping his butt, but he was to strong.. I have always knew I was not a female...even as a lil girl I knew I was more a guy..I hung with boys, not cause of crushes but they were fun to play hot wheels with, climb trees with. But they got interested in me and I was not interested in them but I was VERY interested in the girls,and that was wrong cause I lived in a farm community and old fashion traditions. My family wanted that life..being married to a man and kids, but after my mom left my dad I wanted to die, cause I felt I disappointed my mom, she wanted to put me in a group home cause with the abuse and me wanting to die instead of talking to me and comforting me she didnt want to deal with me, so after months of counseling I did marry..I had two wonderful boys...I had one that is a special needs child...he doesnt live with me and lives 3 hours away and I miss him daily..My other son is living with his boyfriend..he and I joke about he got my girl genes and I got his male genes. lol I think that was the only thing that came out good in my marriage..I knew I was only lieing to him and myself...so I divorced and came out to my mom that I was lesbian..It was ok she said that I was lesbian as long as I didnt act on it..and as soon as I found a gf she started pulling away from me..I am her only child. I dated woman and always still felt something missing..Threw out time I would hear them say..."If I wanted a man I would be straight" and so I didnt dare share my wants and needs..

About 2 yrs ago my mother remarried and because that at the time I was a butch female..she said the only way I could be in the wedding is be in a dress and makeup..sadly I didnt get to be in the wedding cause I would have been a embarrassment to her and her friends. Its sad..I havnt spoken to my mom in a long while.

About 10 yrs I met the woman I live with now, we live in what u call a Boston marriage..we dont have sex or sleep in the same room and she knows I want to be with other woman..we are very close friends more or less I guess others would say...and thats fine..But anyway she understands me and has been nice enough to get the T's I need and boosters. Shes been great. I came out that I am wanting to transition from Female to Male about a month ago..My attitude changed, the way I feel and see things...no doors or hiding..I use to be angry with everyone cause I was soo unhappy with who I am.

Now let me back track about a year ago..I was with a wonderful woman..I will call her "Kissy". When I started dating her she knew me as a female. I was considered a SHE. She asked me one time If I was happy with my body and who I was and I sat there and then lied..I did that alot with her..I was soo unhappy with me I made her unhappy...I was not real, but I was always scared to tell her cause she would make comments that she didnt want a man, she is attracted to butch boy lesbians..and I was afraid I would loose her if I came out to her. I did anyway , we broke up later of December of last year. .and even tho we are good friends now she feels hurt and betrayed because she did not get the real me. The loving, compassionate, honest person I am now..I understand this..and I do wish I could go back and give her that..well needless to say we cant cause she has moved on with someone else. I lost my chance.I regret it everyday. She is a awesome friend to me now and is really standing by me on this..she reads up on things and has even joined a few of the forums I am on. She is learning too. so she can move past the hurt she feels.

I have only a few that is interested and walking with me in this journey ..but sometimes it feels very alone..

I told my X that I hate the way my body is..and it disgusts me, and she said that upsets her cause she always seen me beautiful. But I dont see it. and sometimes I avoid looking in the mirror if its neck down, and sometimes I want to smash it.

So now here I am...I have started my T's about a week ago and have been on boosters for 3 weeks. Things are moving very fast already, I am only planning on having top surgery, but not really wanting the bottem, lots of ppl had rough experiences with it...I am gonna have to move to a bigger city, thought NY but I think any big city with acceptance of Transgender is wanted will do..I am hoping to make good friends on here and learn new things..So thats how Taylor has come to light.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Taylor,

<<< curtsey >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have FTM meetings -Mon & Fri 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna