I Want To Look Like A Girl

[Guest Stevenjustinful]

Hello, first of all my name is Steven and I have been struggling with my gender identity. I have all the right ideas in my head but I cannot seem to transition the way I am seeing myself in my head. I am 18. Senior in high school. My parents really disagree with me when I talk about gender, we simply don't see eye-to-eye. My mom sees me wanting to look like a girl as something that is done in private. I see my desire to look like a girl as a lifestyle, to live everyday as.. not just for fun or on the weekends. I cannot grow my hair out because I am always pressured by my mother to cut it. My mother is the biggest disabler in my life.. the one to quickly question who I'm talking too, what I'm wearing and how I look. See she thinks my outward appearance is a representation of who she is, she's vain and selfish.. Anyways, I am happy to be on this website with others who feel or have felt the same way I do. Right now transitioning just seems impossible but I am hoping going into the new school year and by the end of the summer I can learn a little bit more about myself. I cry a lot when I think about how selfless I am to my own wants and desires, but I really want to begin being true to myself.

My parents have even gone as far as to throw away any girl's clothing I had purchased with my own money. I went to Pride last year dressed like a girl but before I left the house my parents told me I looked horrible and that they hoped somebody messed with me on the train so that I would learn my lesson. When got to Pride I was so ashamed, I buried my wig at a nearby beach, wiped my makeup off and have felt discouraged ever since. I do not seem to have the will anymore to go through with anything relating to my femininity. I know myself better than anybody on the Earth, and I can tell you that my soul is feminine and that I am not a naturally masculine or macho guy. I dream of long dark hair, mascara, and cute skirts.. I also still identify as a gay man, but I feel a little different because I am perfectly content with my genitals but wish to look like woman.. Is this strange? I don't know how far I would want to go yet, regrading surgeries and(or) hormones.. but I cannot ever imaging removing my genitals. I just feel like that takes away the whole point of being transgender if I am comfortable with the masculine nature of sex and self gratification. Am I definably transgendered?

Love, Steve

[Guest Chrissie29]

Your parents don't seem very nice to me. I just looked at your profile pic, I think it looks good .

Well, the part with the genitalia is pretty normal, I mean there are many different transpeople with different oppinions about their genitalia, some hate them, some just accept them.

To me, it seems that wanting to look like a girl is definitely part of beeing transgender.

[Carolyn Marie]

Steve, let me first welcome you to the Playground. It sounds like you could really use some support right now.

I'll echo what Chrissie said; it doesn't matter so much whether you want to keep your genitalia or not; what matters is whether you believe yourself to be innately female. But you must also realize that if you choose to take female hormones and T-blockers, some of the changes may affect your sex drive and your ability to have successful intercourse. Those changes are usually permanent.

The first step in the process of gender change is to see a Gender Therapist. They will help you discover your true nature, and also help with issues like coming out to family and friends.

Your mother sounds like a real obstacle and a very close minded person. If you will be going to college this year or next, it may be easier to wait until then when you have some independence and perhaps can find resources on campus. If you aren't going to college, then you may be able to do things on your own if you have a job and income.

Please research the forums here, as you will find many topics that will help you. Or simply create a new topic and ask whatever question you wish. We will try our best to provide a good answer.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Stevenjustinful]

Thank you for the warm welcomes, I just got into a relationship and the boy I'm with is 100% supportive of me.. I just feel like this would be the perfect timing. And yes I plan on attending college, I think that's when things may truly fall into place for me.

[Guest Gabochi]

Aww good for you

[Guest Chrysee]

Hello, first of all my name is Steven and I have been struggling with my gender identity. I have all the right ideas in my head but I cannot seem to transition the way I am seeing myself in my head. I am 18. Senior in high school. My parents really disagree with me when I talk about gender, we simply don't see eye-to-eye. My mom sees me wanting to look like a girl as something that is done in private. I see my desire to look like a girl as a lifestyle, to live everyday as.. not just for fun or on the weekends. I cannot grow my hair out because I am always pressured by my mother to cut it. My mother is the biggest disabler in my life.. the one to quickly question who I'm talking too, what I'm wearing and how I look. See she thinks my outward appearance is a representation of who she is, she's vain and selfish.. Anyways, I am happy to be on this website with others who feel or have felt the same way I do. Right now transitioning just seems impossible but I am hoping going into the new school year and by the end of the summer I can learn a little bit more about myself. I cry a lot when I think about how selfless I am to my own wants and desires, but I really want to begin being true to myself.

My parents have even gone as far as to throw away any girl's clothing I had purchased with my own money. I went to Pride last year dressed like a girl but before I left the house my parents told me I looked horrible and that they hoped somebody messed with me on the train so that I would learn my lesson. When got to Pride I was so ashamed, I buried my wig at a nearby beach, wiped my makeup off and have felt discouraged ever since. I do not seem to have the will anymore to go through with anything relating to my femininity. I know myself better than anybody on the Earth, and I can tell you that my soul is feminine and that I am not a naturally masculine or macho guy. I dream of long dark hair, mascara, and cute skirts.. I also still identify as a gay man, but I feel a little different because I am perfectly content with my genitals but wish to look like woman.. Is this strange? I don't know how far I would want to go yet, regrading surgeries and(or) hormones.. but I cannot ever imaging removing my genitals. I just feel like that takes away the whole point of being transgender if I am comfortable with the masculine nature of sex and self gratification. Am I definably transgendered?

Love, Steve

Greetings to you, Sister.

My first name, for fifty eight years, was Steve. I now go by Chrysalis (or Chrysee, if you'd like.) I led a life in which I so loved beings feminine, and the sheer pleasure of using feminine gestures (often I pretended to be joking) and of wearing the unisexual clothes that arrived in the hippie days brought me both pleasure and confusion. I was raised by Episcopalian, Republican grandparents in New England. I never met my father, but the role model for that in my formative years was a drunken, brawling, slutty uncle. It was assumed that I'd enlist and go to Viet Nam. Yeah, right. I went to college, instead. In fact a real alternative institution that helped to begin to bring me out.

At twenty two/three I came out for one night at a college party. Though it's a crappy picture, my avatar was taken that night.

Get the picture?

Since then, I've been married twice and have three kids (had four. . .he was killed in a car crash.) And I now have two grandchildren.

Last year, after spending so very many years feigning femininity and living a fantasy life in which I always dressed in drag and had breasts, I couldn't stand at any more and turned to the Internet for info. I came away after only an hour or so with a new vocabulary: transgender & Gender Identity Dysphoria being the two words that slapped me upside the head. From there, I spoke with my doctor. I am currently about to begin seeing a G.T. (it has caused some problems in my personal life with my girlfriend and so I am not progressing as I wish that I am dragging my feet, too.)

But Sweetie, you so belong here. And, from the sound of it, you don't belong at home. Let me get this straight: your folks hoped you'd get hurt on the train to teach you a lesson? My God!

I should so love to talk with them. . .grrrrrrrr! Do they not know that there's more to being a parent than just making a baby?

As they say in 12 Step Groups: "Keep Coming Back!"

Love,

Chrysee