'it's A Girl'

[Guest jaymie]

I've been contemplating my 100th post for awhile now. I can say that without a doubt the Dr. didn't see it when I was born but they screwed up... I'm a girl, well I'm a woman at this stage (you know what I mean). My thoughts constantly drift to this fact... It's about all I can think about most of the time. The question is what to do about it. I really don't know if I can transition. I am a woman, I know it, I guess I always have. My life is good but it isn't completely mine and I can't imagine the hurt I would put my family through to go ahead and transition. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too but I really don't know what to do... Live a life that isn't quite mine or dossapoint everyone... I know I should do something about it but it isn't always that easy...I feel also that I've wasted so much time on the other hand I've made it this far as a man... Just a little confused and needing to vent/ cry...y hands are trembling as I write this so sorry about any typos...that's all i have for now. I definitely need to get on here more often as it is a great relief to just "let it go" a little. Thanks for listening.

Hugs

Jaymie

[Michelle 2010]

Well Jaymie, one thing you can be sure of is that you are not alone in your thoughts and confused feelings. While I never felt as a child that i was a girl, at some point after i became aware that I had feelings that other boys did not have. It didn't take long to realize that the world was not kind to people like me if they let those feelings be displayed. So bury them I did... Through out my life I did what many did and do... Indulge, purge, repress, give in, and do it all over again. Today i understand I am more than a crossdresser. I believe in the Native American concept of Two Spirit, male and female residing in one body. In a more accepting world, my journey may have taken me to transition but at this stage of the game I don't see it happening. The feelings and reasons are the same for me as you describe. I believe you will find tho, that very few here "choose" to transition, rather they 'have" to transition.

Maybe its a little like the wagon trains crossing America. there a many perils and pitfalls, but the rewards are worth it when you reach the Promised Land!

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Jaymie,

You are not alone in this. Many of us have gone through our lives trying to suppress our true selves to fit in with our family and what is expected of us. For some it may work.

I felt like you as a child but I quickly learned it was not acceptable at that time and learned to bury my true feelings and try to be someone else. I was able to do this for a long time but never felt true to myself and was never really happy. When in my late 30s I came out to my wife and some family and started to transition. That first attempt ended in disaster and I once again gave up and tried to be what was expected of me even though it had already destroyed my marriage.

Several years ago I just could not go on as pretending to be a male. I once again began to explore and started transition. There have been many good times and a few bad. But I am now truly happy with myself and my life for the first time in my life. It was no longer a matter of just surviving as trying to pass as a male. It was the need to have to live as my true self.

Only you can decide what you can do and what you can live as. It might help to see a GT to have a professional help you through this.

Mia