The Paralysis Of Fear

[Guest Riana]

I remember about six or seven years ago, I was already wondering if I was transsexual. But I thought of all the things involved, like transitioning, wearing female clothes, coming out to my family... it all just scared me. And I used that fear to convince myself it wasn't true, I told myself if it really was for me I would embrace it and not be afraid. The fear was enough to send me running away from the prospect, hiding my feelings away again and telling myself they shouldn't be acted on. I never even explored my feelings, because I cowered away at the first sign of discomfort. The thing that made me happier than anything... to be a woman and have a good, proper, normal life... brought all those feelings back and so I ran away from them again. I had become scared to think about it, the only thing that made me truly happy had been 'messed up' by all those negative feelings and I couldn't feel happy about it anymore. And so I became depressed and my motivation for college collapsed to near nothing.

Last year I finally admitted to myself I was transgendered. And then the fear started all over again. I started asking myself, if I'm trans, why do I feel this way? Why does this scare me? Why am I afraid that these feelings might not be right after all? If I'm female, shouldn't this all feel normal to me? I really had no perspective and so I constantly drove myself to feel good about things I was really terrified of (whether I liked them is another matter), and when I couldn't feel good about them I would punish myself and say I'm giving up, I'm useless, I'm just kidding myself. Every time I wanted to do something, fear drove me away. I wanted to buy clothes, and I was so scared I told myself I might as well not try. I eventually managed to get myself to go shopping, but inside the shop I froze up and got so incredibly scared of what I was about to do that I just ran out again. And then I told myself 'why bother to try, it's not going to work anyway'.

Gradually, I did learn to accept some things like presenting myself in a more feminine way. And it felt great... like things were finally starting to be as they should be. But that fear was always there, that constant paralysis. The more conflicted and confused I became, the more fear drove me away. I've recently had moments where I just reject anything feminine altogether, I just don't want anything to do with it anymore. The pain and conflict that has become associated with being transgender is so strong that I can't even think about it without all of that emotional load coming back again and I instinctively pull away and say 'No! I don't want that!'. Again I try to avoid it and bury my problems because I have no way to face them. I sometimes find comfort in feeling depressed and being male, because it's familiar and it's a state of not worrying, even if I know I can never be truly happy as a male. I wish I wasn't transgender and yet I know I am and I can't hide from it, even though I still keep trying to hide. Wishing everything would just go away and solve itself.

Yesterday, when I introduced myself here, I felt some anxiety but I knew this would be a step in the right direction so I felt a bit more at ease. And after I got some responses... well... I couldn't stop smiling I was so excited and exhilarated. But the reality of that reaction hit me hard - these people are telling me my feelings are real, and can't just be hidden away. It means I have to cope with them and face the reality that I may need to make some real changes to be truly happy. And that was a very scary thought. Eventually the euphoria died down and I just felt scared and depressed again. But I had learned something... I realised that it's my fear that's holding me back from facing my true self.

[JenniferB]

Hi Riana,

Your feeling is more common than you think. My advice is to take it slow. You are not going to transition into a woman overnight, for transitioning is a marathon, not a sprint. Take it one step at a time. I started with buying women's clothes from a thrift store and fingernail polish from a retail store. That was enough at first and was scary. I was so afraid someone was going to see me. Instead what happened is everyone was focused on what they were doing and didn't pay attention. Through repetition the fear will fade away.

Another option might be to attend a local trans woman support group if there is one in your area. It's a good place to find someone who will go with you and take away a lot of the fear.

Transitioning is difficult. There will be a lot of hurdles to jump over. I'm not sure how it works in the Netherlands, but you should find a professional (psychologist, psychiatrist) who specializes in gender issues. The gender therapist will not only help you find yourself, but also be able to help guide you along the path of transitioning.

Jenny

[Guest Riana]

When I considered transitioning last year, I did it with the idea that it would be easy. I needed it to be easy. Because if it were hard I just couldn't justify it to myself anymore. And that's exactly what happened... the first hurdles immediately became a reason for me to doubt my reasons for doing it. I've now ended up in a kind of identity no-man's land. I don't have the confidence to call myself female even though I really want to. My mind won't allow me to believe I'm female, despite the fact that my heart tells me so, so my mind tells my heart to shut up and go away to its rightful place where it can't mess everything up. But now that my mind has started to follow my heart, my mind starts fighting itself instead. I'm scared to face the possibility that I'm not female, because that would make everything I ever believed fall apart altogether. But when I follow my heart I call myself irrational. How can I think things through when I just can't?

[Carolyn Marie]

Riana, the fear you feel is real, and so is the reality of being transgendered. They kind of go hand in hand. We often use the phrase, "being transsexual is not for sissies," and that's the truth.

Some of us, like me, repressed our feelings for years and tried hard to pretend we were not TG. I repressed my needs and my true nature for 20 years, Riana. I wish I had taken this step earlier, but back then information was much harder (but not impossible) to come by. There was no internet, so support sites like this one.

So you have an advantage, you have support. But that alone won't solve your problems or conquer your fears. I don't know what will, really. You have to be ready to face all the difficulties, all the road blocks, all the negativity, all the bad reactions, in order to move forward. That day may come, or perhaps it won't.

Realize this, though, that despite all the bad things that are possible, all the difficulties, all the expenses, all the possible loss, what you can gain in yourself. Your true self. There is much to be said for that, Riana. I have transitioned and am in my Real Life Experience (RLE). I have been full time for almost three months. It's been worth it. Absolutely, positively worth it. I am a woman, (most) people see me as a woman, and I am living as a woman. There is a price to pay for all of that. When you are ready to pay that price, you will move forward.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Riana]

I hope that one day I will able to afford that price. They say if you have nothing you have nothing to lose, but that's not always true. Those who are strong will be weakened by the pain. Those who are already weak will either be driven crazy or end it themselves. I've kind of gone crazy I feel sometimes, or at least emotionally damaged. I'm afraid that those wounds will never heal, but maybe my drive to heal them is just the strength I need to get myself through transition. I don't really know... right now I'm not sure transition is right for me at all, even though I keep hoping.

Sometimes the fear made me try to negotiate with myself. I would wonder things like what if I could change and go back? What if I could switch at will? Would I ever want to change back if I could? And sometimes I would even wish I could appear female on the inside (to myself) but male to the world, so that I could enjoy being as I should be without facing the implications. Sometimes I even wished for the opposite, to appear as female to the outside world without having to make any permanent changes. And yet, crossdressing just never really appealed to me. I never felt that it could solve the true problem, it would always be cosmetic.

[Guest Julie T]

Riana

Oh honey, I am so glad you found us. If there is anything we do well here at Laura's Playground is we show people they are not alone. Being transsexual is as much accepting yourself as you are, as it is all the physical changes. You start out as transphobic as anyone else outside the community, then you realize you are just what you are. It's a revelation? It terrifies and thrills you at the same time. You do become better at this, the idea that you really can evolve into your true self. It suddenly dawns on you this is doable. Then you can even say the word transsexual without shuddering.

It is what we are, right? So we embrace it.

I see by your writing, this is starting to come together. I wish you were here, or better, we were all there, so we could give you a bid hugg. On Laura's Playground? we use two g's in the word hugg because our huggs are twice as good.

Welcome Riana, welcome

Julie

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Dear.......

All the points that you are talking about need to be gone over with a trained gender therapist.

Do you have one available to you?

They will help you figure out if transition is the right path for you...

Those who are strong will be weakened by the pain. Those who are already weak will either be driven crazy or end it themselves.

'That is not necessarily true.....so many of us find our strength in knowing who we are and what our path needs to be....

It's hard....it's Gosh darned hard!

But, if that is what you find to be in your future....many people find peace in knowing what they must do...

See about a therapist....ok?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Riana]

*gives hugge huggs back*

I guess when it comes to transition and acceptance I've already had a head start. I've been female online for several years, although not everywhere. A while ago I cut the last few links, and now there is only the female me online. It's quite strange having to 'come out' to people in the opposite direction, having to say I'm trans when they saw me as female already. But being able to come out that way has given me a lot of help and support. I've learned to embrace a lot of my female self although it is still mostly online. Just earlier today I caught myself wanting to hug my (male) cousin, who doesn't know I'm trans. I felt kind of sad about it because I wanted to hug him. I wanted to show myself as I feel I should be. But I just wasn't ready for those consequences yet. It's hard sometimes... but I try to keep hope that things will get better eventually.

I felt like admitting I was trans was very much a revelation. It also made me wonder what if it hadn't happened, what if I had just gone on living like I always did? I felt very nervous that everything since then came down to that single turning point. For a while I considered it a single point of failure, that it could have been a single mistake that ruined everything. I also had a lot of feelings I didn't understand. It's like I had suddenly turned my world inside out and nothing had its proper place anymore. I felt incredibly insecure because suddenly I had no idea where things belonged in this 'new life' I was trying to create. I would often force things and try to assign things their places without realising at first that they need to slide into place naturally. And it didn't help that my mind fought hard to keep things where they 'should' be. It has been a very hard learning experience, but a learning experience nonetheless.

Right now I'm really amazed by the support I've gotten from some people here. I'm only here for a day now and already I feel like this is a home to me. My feelings have really been mixed up a bit, it has been kind of a wake up call reading other people's messages here and the replies I got to my own. But I have a very good feeling about this, despite all the doubts and fears I still have. I feel like if I fall, there are others to pick me up. And that's something I never really had since that first discovery. It's very empowering.

Thank you! <3