Too Cowardly?

[Guest Leigh]

Hey everyone, it's been a while.

not sure when the last update was..but right now i'm going back to school working part time back living with my parents, about to turn 22.

i've been seeing a therapist through the school that i'm going to..and it all seems good. i know what i need, and my therapist is on board.

it's just one thing... i can't seem to get up the nerve to actually come out to my parents. and i know i need to do that before i can actually start HRT....

i'm starting to think that i might just be too much of a coward to actually do this.. i don't think i have the nerve to be a trailblazer of any kind...

how can i get past this?

peace&love

[Guest Gabochi]

I totally understand...idk if I can even tell them I want therapy :/

[Guest Emily Ray]

I would love to have had your realization about self at your age. Instead I took the cowardly aproach and it failed miserably. Not just poorly but nearly life threatening, no it was life threatening! I after 20 years of adulthood I couldn't live with being a man anymore. I had three choices. Die, not a very good option. Transition and never speak to anyone I ever knew priviously again, also not a very apealing choice, tell my friends and family and live with the results. I took the third route. I came home and told my family. I owed them that much. By that time in my life I was so sick and depressed that I was only talking to them once every 6 months and was living a dangerous city and no doubt worrying them terribly. My brother and I had stopped talking eight years eariler. He was mad at me because I worried my parents so much. I only talked with my sister once in eight years. It has changed for me! I am reconnected with my imeadiate family and my cousins, aunts, uncles and 90 year old Grandmother. There is nothing like going to a public restroom with your older sister:) its a little weird with your mother.

I don't know if all of your family will be as accepting as my family, but it is worth more than you can imagine to take that risk! Maybe you can keep things together for a long time like some of our members who have lived full lives as men and women. Each one of those members is so envious of what you have, I know because I am and I am just 40. I know that seems old at 22, but I will live another 50 years God willing.

I do hope you take that risk. Be yourself it is the only thing that will ever be fulfilling.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Krisina]

Create a plan of what you would say to them. Create scenarios of how they would react and how you would answer. Write a letter that you would give to them, even just for practice. Think of examples of people in society you could give as examples Chaz Bono for example and how there have been countless times this subject about transgender has been on tv, posted clips now on YouTube of 20/20, Dr Phil, Oprah, etc. Think about cues you could ask them if they noticed over the years of how you were different. Visualize. If you have any friends that know maybe they could be with you by your side when you told them perhaps? I'm not sure if that is something you would want but just an idea. Visualize how you would tell them, Let them know you love them, you are still the same person on the inside you just need the outside fixed to match how you ade on the ibside and you want them to accept you for who you are not what they want you to be. It is a recognized medical condition. I hope this helps and one day you will be able to do it.

Krisina

[Guest sarah f]

Leigh I was a chicken too. What I did was write a letter to my mom, dad and brother. I could not do it face to face as I would back out each and every time. Once I wrote the letters I drove by the post office and dropped them in the box. That was a scary moment for me but once they were in the box there was no turning back now. I got a call within a couple days from each of them. That is the way to go for us chickens.

Good Luck

[Guest chngnwnd]

I have found that there is no way to tell your family that is not awkward in some way. I was terrified, too - but then my therepaist told me something that helped a lot. He told me that no time will seem like the right time to tell someone close to you. That one statement pushed me over the edge and helped me get to the point I could tell my children.

hugs

Bobbi

[Drea]

it's just one thing... i can't seem to get up the nerve to actually come out to my parents.

The most important question....have you discussed the diffciulty getting the nerve to come out to your parents with your therapist?

I ask because I known people who refrain from opening such very important discussions with their therapists out of fear that their therapist would feel they aren[t committed enough. It is this sort of thing that therapy is very good for as well as getting some ideas how to plan it.

[Guest MonikaC]

I know it is scary. No advice you get from us will lessen that fear. If this is something you really need in your life then there is no escaping needing to tell them.

Life is full of scary events. Transitioning add so many more. The fact is, you will never get what you want and where you want to be without confronting that fear. What is the worst that can happen? They disowned you? It's scary, but that is something you can live through.

There are so many ways you can tell them. I prefer the direct route of sitting them down and explaining what GID is and what it isn't. Explain your feelings. Explain why you need this. Most of all, explain how much you need their love and support, even if they don't yet understand.

You could also write a letter. Or even bring them to one of your therapy sessions and have your therapist help when needed.

Whatever it takes, if you need this. I mean truly need this, you will get there. It took me almost 9 years from the time I realized what was going on with me to get to where I am now. Don't let your fear cripple you that long.

[JJ]

This is a site written by a gender Therapist who is also a transwoman. There are articles about just about everything so if you relate to this one I'd suggest checking out the rest of the site. Her understanding is incredible.

http://www.firelily....na/parents.html

I agree that this is something your Gender Therapist should be helping you through. perhaps this article will give you ideas to discuss with your therapist.

I was driven to tell those who are close to me because I wanted to be really close-to be the real me-in ways I never had because there was always a secret core hidden away from a very young age. I didn't want to be alone in my inner heart anymore. And part of me would always be alone unless I opened up that part of my life.

Johnny

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Leigh,

You have had a lot of good advice to get you started. This is one of the hardest first steps we have to make. I was afraid also. So afraid that I tried to hide it for 40 years. Then when I could not take it any longer I came out to family. But I was still not brave enough to go with it so after some pretty hard bumps I gave up again. It was not until I was 60 that I finally decided I just could not do this anymore no matter what.

I am so happy now. However, I so miss not being able to be me for those 40 years. It was not worth it to hide. I feel I have missed so much of the life I could have had during that time. You are young. You have a great wonderful life ahead of you even if the first steps are so difficult. Please don't do what I and some others here have done by squandering our lives away because of the fear.

Read over the great comments and suggestions and then plan a course of action. You can do it and we are always here for you to get support.

Mia

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Leigh ....love you, Hon...(just wanted to get that out of the way.....)

Well, that is certainly a spot.....

You've had a lot of good advice so far and I just want to tell you one thing....

I've known you here for a long time and I know that you have the courage and strength to do what is right for you....

Chin up, Baby....

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest Leigh]

thanks everyone,

i want to let you know that i am discussing these things with my therapist, unfortunately she's been on vacation,

or i should say the place i go for therapy has been closed for the last month, and doesn't reopen until mid august.

so.. right now i'm on my own. (except for y'all)

and it's making me realize even more that i don't really have a real support network.

it's hard, because i feel that each time i make a step toward independence, i fall flat on my face.

like moving out of my parents house and being unable to find a job and forced to move back in.

so.. i know i have to come out to them, but i feel i can't while i'm living under the same roof as them.. you get me?

anyway... i'm starting to do unhealthy things again because i feel so stuck.

and i'm afraid that i'm becoming so obsessed with transition that i'm making it some kind of unrealistic fantasy.

so.. if you're the praying kind, i'd appreciate a word.

thanks very much.

peace&love

[Guest jill in ca]

I know how this feels also, I am the biggest coward that walks the earth, and I can only blame myself for not being honest with all of my family from the beginning.If you truly want to do this you must do it sooner than later, it only gets harder the longer you wait, I know.

[Sally]

Hi Leigh,

It has been a long time but I will tell you that somethings never change - I feel like a coward most of the time too - I sat in the dark last night when I really needed to be sleeping worrying about being able to come out at work - my self imposed deadline is approaching - I have been on HRT for almost two years and still have not taken that step.

If I can transition you can - you have plenty of nerve, your problem is that you lack a true sense of self importance (join the club) you lack the faith that your parents might still love you and possibly even support you and you place the feelings of others so far ahead of your own that your biggest fear is hurting someone's feelings.

There comes a time when we all have to face that which we fear the most - you might want to wait until your therapist is available again as that is your physical support - we are here for you all of the time.

Good luck fighting these demons - they can be defeated and you have the courage and inner strength to do it.

Love ya,

Sally

[JJ]

First you have my prayers and second transition can't be judged on a pass or fail basis I think. It's more about failing that not at first until you slowly master the skills and get a handle on the thousand things that are changed or affected. It is a learning process and you can't learn if you don't fail. It is as much as anything else, for me at least, a matter of practicing and practicing till I am comfortable in the world and in my own skin as my true self.

In may ways life is the same. We really don't fail till we give up trying. Things don't work out sometimes. They just don't. Sometimes because we are human and used bad judgment. Okay learn from it and try a different way. Sometimes because of circumstances beyond our control. Blaming yourself for what you can't control doesn't make sense. You look to see what you can do and you do it. In spite of fear. And eventually it is inevitable that you WILL succeed. Simplistic perhaps but still a fundamental fact of life.

Plans can fail. Happens to all of us, but people only do when they give up and quit trying.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Leigh]

thanks everyone. it is good to know that you are all here for me in the rough times.

i've come a bit closer to where i need to be by coming out to one of my brothers (4/5 siblings down, one and his wife to go).

school will be back in session soon, so i will have access to my therapist again... one step at a time.

the brother i just came out to (tonight, actually) was pretty good. good first reaction anyway.

so. i'm feeling encouraged.

thanks to all of you again.

peace&LOVE