Chest Surgery Fears And Second Guessing

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Here I am...I've got the okay from my therapist to schedule surgery for early December. I've got the money to do it. I might even have some support from people. Yet...I'm hesitating. I'm probably more afraid than I've ever been in my life. Here's why:

I'm scared to death of surgery. When I was very little (too young to consciously remember) I had surgery on my left eye. Since then, I have had very minimal contact with medical professionals and have had no other surgeries. I don't get sick much, so there's been no need. Thing is, now that I think about it, I am really, really afraid of doctors and surgeries. I am so afraid that I never got my wisdom teeth out. I convinced myself that it was because they didn't need to come out, but sitting here feeling the right bottom one ache...I really wish I'd had them out when I was younger. The thing that scares me is general anesthesia. I think I'm afraid of dieing while I'm under or stopping breathing. I'm also even more afraid of not being put under deep enough and waking up during it and feeling the horrible pain. A while back I even made the mistake of watching a show on the Discovery Channel about waking up during surgery. Yeah, so I'm scared. More than anything, I want this chest surgery, but I am afraid that I won't be able to go through with it. Then I'll be stuck in this in between land...not because I want to be...but because I am a coward.

On top of these fears, I feel guilty about wanting the chest surgery. All the reasoning about my breasts feels detached. I think about them like they aren't mine...not a part of my body. I think about them like they are objects in my possession. This kind of thinking, from what I gather from talking to female friends, is not normal. Normally you think of them as part of your body. What is causing trouble for me is that my s/o has tearfully said that he thought I was beautiful. It hurts him to think of me changing that body. The problem is that I never felt comfortable with that body...but I loved that he loved it. Does that make any sense at all? Now I am feeling this horrible guilt at wanting to change myself permanently. I feel selfish. I feel horrible. One little part of me feels like I should just try harder to accept myself for him. Of course, I know this road doesn't lead anywhere because I have been trying to accept myself as a woman for 30 years and have been trying to accept having an adult female body for 15+ years...and have not made much progress in those fronts.

This is not a happy day.

Note to self: If you ever date again, only date bisexuals.

[Guest Sergei]

I undstand what you are feeling. I'm terrified of surgery as well, and I think I have seen that documentary as well. Pretty scary!! But just remember that the chances of that having are like one in a million. That's why those people are in that documentary. I think the odds of that are about the same as the odds of being transsexual. What's the chance of bothing happening? lol

In terms of your partener. I can understand how it must be hard. But at the end of the day you really have to do what is best for you and not think about anybody else. If not you might never be happy. Good luck. I know you'll be fine. xx

[Guest Michele H]

For me that decision is still aways away - and it would be bottom rather than top surgery for me but I totally understand all of the emotions and doubts you are going through. Ultimately, the choice - not only if you will have the surgery but also when. The SO issue does complicate things. I guess you need to ask yourself questins like " If I have the surgery and my SO leaves - can I live with that/ - what's more important to you - bringing your physical presentation into alignment with your subconcious gender or your relationship. As for the scared part - yes all of things you mentioned are possible - rare to very rare but possible - again. For you- at this point - are you ready to take the risk? Once you answer that - then go ahead and be scared - right up to the point you go under. I recently had a gall bladder that was septic and burst - so didn't have much time to dwell on surgery but I can tell you that I was talking to the Doc while they were hooking me up and the next thing I remember was being back in the hosptial room - and pain free for the first time in many years - I would also discuss your fear of doctors/operations with the doc in your presurgery exam and see if he/she can give you a happy pill before going down to be preped.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I undstand what you are feeling. I'm terrified of surgery as well, and I think I have seen that documentary as well. Pretty scary!! But just remember that the chances of that having are like one in a million. That's why those people are in that documentary. I think the odds of that are about the same as the odds of being transsexual. What's the chance of bothing happening? lol

Ignorance really is bliss. I think I'll steer clear of any other "I woke up under general anesthesia" documentaries on Discovery Health. I've been warned not to watch those before, but I don't listen!

In terms of your partener. I can understand how it must be hard. But at the end of the day you really have to do what is best for you and not think about anybody else. If not you might never be happy. Good luck. I know you'll be fine. xx

Thanks, Sergei. You are right, waking up from anesthesia is a pretty low frequency thing. It'd be stupid to not get chest surgery because of something that has such a tiny chance of actually happening. You are correct, the joint probability of both being transsexual and waking up under anesthesia must be infinitesimally small! That's a great way of looking at it! lol

Yeah, I'll be fine. Even under the best of circumstances, getting out of a 3 year long relationship is tough to get used to. At least we are still going to be good friends, no matter what happens. That softens the blow, just a bit.

I would also discuss your fear of doctors/operations with the doc in your presurgery exam and see if he/she can give you a happy pill before going down to be preped.

Yes...I think I will do that. I'd be quite interested in one of these 'happy pills'!

[Guest Huff]

I was pretty freaked out about the whole surgery thing too. My head tends to get carried away with things and I was envisioning all the awful possibilities. It helped me to know that my surgeon was damned good. But they still had to give me a little sedative to calm me down before they could even get my IV in because I was so nervous that the blood vessels in my hands had all constricted. I puked a bunch after I woke up from the surgery, but that was OK since it made me feel like I was hardcore or something to barf on the nurse. So, it all turned out OK. Personally, I'm so glad I did it.

MK

[Guest JayJaye]

I'm not terrified of surgery per se, but I usually avoid anything medically unnecessary. My body is healthy and in that regard I love it and respect it; I dislike that it's female but it has served me pretty well. That is the hardest part of transitioning for me, to do things to my body that are not 100% medically necessary for survival.

OTOH, if I don't have these things done, my soul is dead. I can no longer go on living the way I have for the past 47 years as a female. The torture and anguish I went through and suppressed just to live a life -- it was like living a lie. I can NOT live that way any more.

So I look at transitioning as medically necessary for my overall general health and well-being. If I don't transition, I'm dead. If I transition, I come alive as myself for the first time ever. So for me there is no real choice here. Surgery in my case is medically necessary. Hormone replacement is medically necessary and really will be after my hysto. I will NOT take estrogen (gag!!).

Jay

[Guest Seth]

If you're unhappy with you body, you should do whatever you can to get happy with your body. So what about your s/o?

I mean, if my girlfriend said "don't get chest surgery" I'd be like "psh, intercourse off" ya know?

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Thanks for the support, guys. I'm feeling a bit stronger today. The decision to transition wasn't a hard one to make. It's definitely the right path for me. I guess I'm just sorry that another person has to suffer for because of choices I have had to make. My s/o is such a sweet, perfect guy. We really make a good couple in most respects. Even now, after all this, he is helping me find a new tenant my rental house. He's been very supportive. He supports the choices I've made too. It's just that he's hurt and so am I.

It's time to move ahead though. Tomorrow I will call and set the date for my surgery! I hope they still have some openings for the first week of December.

Jay, I know what you mean about your soul dieing. That's exactly how I feel. I guess my deal here recently is that the potential heartaches associated with transition have become very real to me. It's a lot to deal with. I'm sure you know!

I'm ready for my T now!!!! Can't wait!

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Okay...so...THE DATE FOR MY SURGERY IS SET.

I'm still freaked out and scared. I haven't told my s/o. He knows I was going to set the date this week, or at least that I was seriously thinking about it. Yeah. It looks like it's going to be December 9th with Dr. Garramone, with a pre-op consult the day before. I. am. seriously. scared. I thought that setting the date might make it better, but it didn't. Stupid as it is, I am afraid I might chicken out.

On the up side, Dr. Garramone's staff is really nice. His receptionist sent me a link to this place out on the beach that is like $375 for a week. You can't beat that with a stick. I am hoping that will sweeten the deal so it won't be so hard to find someone to come with me.

Man...I'm still feeling conflicted. This morning, when I was getting dressed, I just looked at the things. I hate them. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with them just...ugh...there. There is just so much...flesh. I can only assume that the recovery is going to bite the big one....if I don't chicken out. Even that $500 deposit isn't enough to make me certain that I won't bail. I know the surgery is the right choice. I am just scared beyond all reason of being cut on. When I had to get stitches because I got cut by a bottle, my blood pressure went through the roof. That was only 7 stitches. Oh man...the fear...yet I also feel relieved, in a way. These are weird feelings.

I am such a total coward. Seriously.

[Guest JayJaye]

You'll be fine. Think of the AFTER!! I'm going on Dec. 11th, so we can commiserate afterwards. And I'll be stuck in a hotel room in S.F. with my MOTHER. Who hates traveling. And I won't be able to drive or see too many sights. I do at least want to see the Golden Gate Bridge while I'm there. Oh, taxi!!

Jay

[Guest Martin]

I'm scared of surgery, too. I had my top surgery, and it went fine. Still, I'm scared of bottom surgery. The actual operation has me anxious and recovery does too. I think we get the message that we're not supposed to be scared, that we're somehow not "trans enough" if we have second thoughts or not "man enough" if we actually experience that emotion. Of course, that isn't true. Surgery is a big deal. What helps me is researching, planning, processing my emotions, and understanding the risks. I'll probably still have a level of fear until I'm all healed up and used to my new body. For me, based off of my level of fear and my desire for surgery, I think it'll be worth facing the fear. Now that I write that, I realize that it's not that simple. There are fears I cannot face not matter how worth it it would be or how silly they are (surgery isn't a silly fear, some of mine might be). I hope that won't be the case for you.

I hope that didn't come out wrong.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

You'll be fine. Think of the AFTER!! I'm going on Dec. 11th, so we can commiserate afterwards. And I'll be stuck in a hotel room in S.F. with my MOTHER. Who hates traveling. And I won't be able to drive or see too many sights. I do at least want to see the Golden Gate Bridge while I'm there. Oh, taxi!!

Jay

Totally, we'll definitely have to commiserate a bit. I guess we'll both be laid up and not able to sight see. Stuck with the mother...I feel your pain. My mom is all about traveling, but being stuck in a hotel room with my mom would be annoying for different reasons.

The Golden Gate Bridge is awesome. There is a little lookout point once you cross. The view of the San Francisco skyline from there is really cool.

[Guest raydub]

The Golden Gate Bridge is awesome. There is a little lookout point once you cross. The view of the San Francisco skyline from there is really cool.

All those times I went to San Francisco and I never crossed that d*** bridge. hrm.. just goes to show how wasted and distracted I was. LOL.. sadly sometimes me and a friend of mine only drove up to San Francisco (from San Jose) to go to a sex club called Power Exchange. It was summer during undergrad.. man those were some wild days.

Oh, oh.. surgeries..yeah.. sorry. Umm.. Stranded! No fear dude...or at least 'fake it til you make it' Dont make me come down there!

And Jay.. dude..sorry about the being stuck with your mom thing...its cool that shes going though. youre doing top with Brownstein in Dec... or is that the hysto?

Ray

[Guest JayJaye]

Yes, Ray, SF is with Brownstein. Hysto is (gulp!) next week!!

Jay

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I'm scared of surgery, too. I had my top surgery, and it went fine. Still, I'm scared of bottom surgery. The actual operation has me anxious and recovery does too. I think we get the message that we're not supposed to be scared, that we're somehow not "trans enough" if we have second thoughts or not "man enough" if we actually experience that emotion. Of course, that isn't true. Surgery is a big deal. What helps me is researching, planning, processing my emotions, and understanding the risks. I'll probably still have a level of fear until I'm all healed up and used to my new body. For me, based off of my level of fear and my desire for surgery, I think it'll be worth facing the fear. Now that I write that, I realize that it's not that simple. There are fears I cannot face not matter how worth it it would be or how silly they are (surgery isn't a silly fear, some of mine might be). I hope that won't be the case for you.

I hope that didn't come out wrong.

The researching and planning seems to help me a lot too. Statistically speaking, the drive down to Ft. Lauderdale poses more risk of death than the actual surgery. What makes the surgery more scary is that I'm out of control, I'm asleep. It's amazing how much difference that illusion of control makes, isn't it? : )

[Guest raydub]

Statistically speaking, the drive down to Ft. Lauderdale poses more risk of death than the actual surgery. What makes the surgery more scary is that I'm out of control, I'm asleep. It's amazing how much difference that illusion of control makes, isn't it? : )

I love that you say illusion of control. cause thats exactly what it is.. an illusion. there are myriads of things that we have perceived control over except we dont - like other people, places, and things.. and yes, surgery is one of them..but there are so many more. sorry...got a little excited.

anyway..keep talkin about it dude..im sure it helps. and you KNOW ill be lookin out for you in my own little way.

Ray

[Guest JayJaye]

I love that you say illusion of control. cause thats exactly what it is.. an illusion. there are myriads of things that we have perceived control over except we dont - like other people, places, and things.. and yes, surgery is one of them..but there are so many more. sorry...got a little excited.

anyway..keep talkin about it dude..im sure it helps. and you KNOW ill be lookin out for you in my own little way.

Ray

I've had surgery before, and the only thing I can say is: The good news is you're asleep and you wake up and its over with. It's weird. One minute you're awake, the next you wake up and its done. It's not like you went to bed and got up hours later, where you know time has passed. This is more like, wait, what the hell happened?? How did I miss that? That's the only thing I'm looking forward to is not knowing what's happening while I'm out.

Jay, who goes under 1 week from today...

[Guest jantonio]

Good luck on your surgery Stranded. I understand it can be scary at first but I think you will be ok.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I love that you say illusion of control. cause thats exactly what it is.. an illusion. there are myriads of things that we have perceived control over except we dont - like other people, places, and things.. and yes, surgery is one of them..but there are so many more. sorry...got a little excited.

anyway..keep talkin about it dude..im sure it helps. and you KNOW ill be lookin out for you in my own little way.

Ray

You know me...I'm a psychologist. I can analyze the heck out of stuff. ; )

Of course, it isn't like this perceived control stuff is my area of expertise...but it is still neat stuff.

[Guest Evan_J]

I'm not terrified of surgery per se, but I usually avoid anything medically unnecessary. My body is healthy and in that regard I love it and respect it; I dislike that it's female but it has served me pretty well. That is the hardest part of transitioning for me, to do things to my body that are not 100% medically necessary for survival.

OTOH, if I don't have these things done, my soul is dead. I can no longer go on living the way I have for the past 47 years as a female. The torture and anguish I went through and suppressed just to live a life -- it was like living a lie. I can NOT live that way any more.

So I look at transitioning as medically necessary for my overall general health and well-being. If I don't transition, I'm dead. If I transition, I come alive as myself for the first time ever. So for me there is no real choice here. Surgery in my case is medically necessary. Hormone replacement is medically necessary and really will be after my hysto. I will NOT take estrogen (gag!!).

Jay

Couldn't have said any of it better. At the end of the day the only person who has to live being you is only just you. And if your SO loves YOU and not a body then it will be fine. It may take adjustment but it will be fine. Any other answer means its not love and its not "you" that the person loves.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I've had surgery before, and the only thing I can say is: The good news is you're asleep and you wake up and its over with. It's weird. One minute you're awake, the next you wake up and its done. It's not like you went to bed and got up hours later, where you know time has passed. This is more like, wait, what the hell happened?? How did I miss that? That's the only thing I'm looking forward to is not knowing what's happening while I'm out.

Jay, who goes under 1 week from today...

I definitely like the idea of waking up and it being over...and the part about not knowing what's happening. That's kind of weird how you don't realize time has passed.

Are you stressing about the hysto? What procedure are you getting? Laproscopic?

[Guest Evan_J]

You'll be fine. Think of the AFTER!! I'm going on Dec. 11th, so we can commiserate afterwards. And I'll be stuck in a hotel room in S.F. with my MOTHER. Who hates traveling. And I won't be able to drive or see too many sights. I do at least want to see the Golden Gate Bridge while I'm there. Oh, taxi!!

Jay

lol.....and condolences to you Jay. Cuz I have one of those mother's too.

the fear issue:

When I first was finding out I likely had a medical reason for my hysto (I still haven't had it) the original doc scared the you-know-what out of me. Telling me all these "horror" options and how "risky" I was. Since then an entirely different doctor regarding an entirely different matter decided he wanted to do a heart catheter on me and run a wire into the main artery to my heart. Let me tell you THAT scared the hoozits out of me esp remembering all the "fears" of the first doctor. It went EXCELLENT. All the suppositioning and scarinig of the first doc was balony. In truth I was no more risky than any body else for any surgery. I stayed in the hospital overnight and in a few days was pretty much the same as I ever was. All I'm sayin is don't convince yourself that the 1 in a million outcome -like wakin up during the thing- is "you". You will be fine. You've done the research, you're in fine health, and you have chosen the doctor. The rest hand over to whatever higher power you trust in. And be ready to tell us the whole story afterwards of course

Good luck to you. I'll know you'll be smilin when its through.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

lol.....and condolences to you Jay. Cuz I have one of those mother's too.

the fear issue:

When I first was finding out I likely had a medical reason for my hysto (I still haven't had it) the original doc scared the you-know-what out of me. Telling me all these "horror" options and how "risky" I was. Since then an entirely different doctor regarding an entirely different matter decided he wanted to do a heart catheter on me and run a wire into the main artery to my heart. Let me tell you THAT scared the hoozits out of me esp remembering all the "fears" of the first doctor. It went EXCELLENT. All the suppositioning and scarinig of the first doc was balony. In truth I was no more risky than any body else for any surgery. I stayed in the hospital overnight and in a few days was pretty much the same as I ever was. All I'm sayin is don't convince yourself that the 1 in a million outcome -like wakin up during the thing- is "you". You will be fine. You've done the research, you're in fine health, and you have chosen the doctor. The rest hand over to whatever higher power you trust in. And be ready to tell us the whole story afterwards of course

Good luck to you. I'll know you'll be smilin when its through.

I may be just being paranoid, but I really feel like some doctors try to scare you on purpose when they don't agree with what you are doing. A few years back I asked about permanent sterilization options (this was before I admitted to myself that I was transgendered) and the doc was a real jerk. He blew stuff out of proportion and basically told me I had no idea what I was asking. Man...people really give you the business for wanting to disable that plumbing.

The more I talk to people, the less scared I am about the surgery. I wondered if I was a total coward, but it seems like a lot of people were pretty scared going in to it.

What's scaring me now is paying for it. : (

[Guest Evan_J]

I can only project on the paying for it fear since I haven't done it myself, but I'm gonna say its like buying a house in a sense.....it may seem huge but if you just do it bit by bit as you go along somehow it'll all end up paid for