My Barrier To Full Self-Understanding

[Guest Nova Maria]

I've identified for years as a gay male. I've dated gay men, lived as a gay man, been as gay as I could possibly be. The problem is, I'm really thinking that I'm transsexual. I've been doing drag for years, but it doesn't sustain me the way it used to: being a girl once in a while just isn't good enough anymore. I have several fears associated with this, one of which being: if I were to be a woman, I would suddenly be a heterosexual. The very idea of being straight after so long being gay is frightening, horrible, impossible. I feel as if becoming a woman would be to turn my back on the gay community. I don't want to be straight.

Can anyone relate to this problem?

Thx!

--Nova M

[Carolyn Marie]

Nova, the issues of sexual preference and gender are entirely different. One can be transsexual and be gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, or anything in between.

The best way to determine if you are TS, or fall somewhere else along the gender spectrum, is to get counseling from an experienced gender therapist. They will not tell you what you are or are not, but they will help you find the answers within yourself.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Taffy]

nova -

I came across your post via a web search for gay men or drag queens who are thinking about transition.

I have said nearly the exact same things about transition as you said in your post. I signed up for this site because I wanted to try to connect with another who feels this way.

I also would become a hetero woman if I went through transition and I dont want to be part of the hetero - world. I love being a super fem gay guy - we have special ways of being in the world that I dont think transexuals who where never drag queens can understand. We have been out in the world dressed and presenting as chicks for a period of time before ever thinking about being a woman -- and thats a huge thing! In support groups - I hear the stress/joy that shopping and dressing brings to people who are new to the experience. Im very happy for them. My experience is different and I have found online and in groups that my experience is not celebrated quite the same way others expect me to celebrate theirs.

I dont know why that is - or if its true everywhere. I dont think it is and hope its not.

Ive had sex as a woman, dressed, went everywhere, shopped, went to dinner, dated, been flirted with, danced -- ive done all that stuff as a woman long b-4 I ever thought I was a transexual. I dont think that people who come from a hetero-normative model know how to understand our specific issues with becoming somewhat NORMAL if we transition. As a drag queen, I get to live like the volume of life is turned up a notch whenever I want to be in drag -- I get whatever attention I want and get to make jokes and live like Im whoever I want to be - thats an experience most people dont ever get to live.

Becomming a full time woman might take away some of the fire that being a drag queen and all around flaming gay guy gives me.

I more than most gay guys I know - LOVE being gay - I love living in the space that only gay gays really get to inhabit. I love being gay.

But, as I learn more about life and how I want to live in it - I see that being seen as more female by men, co-workers, lovers, tellers at the store -- would make me very happy. I dont want to break the rules of the board so I will tread lightly -- but I want to be made love to like a woman - gay sex has never really turned me on. Having sex with other gay guys does not really turn me on. I am not wanting to put words or experiences into your post - but, these are my thoughts about being a gay guy who is a drag queen thinking about this issue.

Ive been to lots-a therapy about this and though seeking medical advise is a good thing - I think talking about things in an online forum is fine, too.

Also, I struggle with knowing how much work it is to be the kind of woman I immagine myself to be-- I know all about the real life work it takes to look somewhat female in 100 degree heat and 5-oclock shadow -- LOL

As a drag queen I always know I can go home take it all off and rest my feet -- I have trouble letting myself immagine me as a woman sitting around in dirty clothes after mowing the lawn...

anyhow - wanted to let you know I was thinking some of the stuff you felt, too ---

[Guest Donna Jean]

Also, I struggle with knowing how much work it is to be the kind of woman I immagine myself to be-- I know all about the real life work it takes to look somewhat female in 100 degree heat and 5-oclock shadow -- LOL

As a drag queen I always know I can go home take it all off and rest my feet -- I have trouble letting myself imagine me as a woman sitting around in dirty clothes after mowing the lawn...

anyhow - wanted to let you know I was thinking some of the stuff you felt, too ---

See? That there is a main difference between yourself and me ...I can picture myself as a woman sitting around in dirty clothes after mowing the lawn....I want everything in my life to be done as a woman...I don't take it off at 5:00....lol

Thanks for the really cool post, Hon...

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Taffy]

Very True!-

I miss-spoke in the post - the folks ive chatted witth online have been very nice and tried to understand the special hard/fun parts of the feelings I have that are different than they have -- AND the group I have been to here is has folks in it that are very sweet and are people I would like to become closer to and call friends - I spoke wrong trying to make a point, sorry for that everyone.

The trans/gender questioning/ non compliant - whatever - community is really a great community of people who DO seem to understand small things more than any community Ive been part of.

Again, sorry to say otherwise.

I have read lots of other posts on this site in the last year or so that have really helped me to understand this part of me in a way that I really appreciate - for now, I may not be heading toward a full time transition - but, I am in moving in some direction!

Jean - I LOVE New Orleans!!