Experimenting With Body Shape

[Guest Hydraxide]

Haven't posted in a while, been lurking mainly and had a lot of stuff going on. Anyway, I've 'come out' with my androgyny and, potential, latent transsexual feelings to my best friend and he advised that I explore it if I am to pull myself out of the depression I've been in. To be clear, I've never had the burning desire to be female since I was young. I didn't like my body when going through puberty and shaved relentlessly all over until it became both unmanageable and the parents noticed and gave me grief for it. When you're 13 there's not a lot you can do to fight parental will, especially when you don't really even know why you started in the first place.

A psychologist that I've been seeing for a while now says he has determined what may be the 'problem' with me and my sexuality. I class myself as 'asexual' as I have not had a relationship, or physical interaction with anyone since I was 18, 7 years ago. He reckons that because I'm not comfortable with my own body and psyche I'm unable to open up to anyone to let them be intimate. This seems logical as, ego aside, there are a number of girls (and a guy) who would not say no to me ( ) and yet I push them away and see myself as 'broken'.

A while ago I was mistaken for a girl while I was at a concert, even though I was wearing pretty neutral clothes although i did have my hair down. This gave me such a kick and made me feel so good about myself that I thought I had better explore the concept of being mistaken for a female more often; perhaps this could help me with my sexuality. With that said, I've decided to experiment with body shape to help me decide what I can make me more comfortable in this mortal shell. The first and most obvious feminine feature is of course the breasts, which seemed the easiest and most logical place to start. To this end, I purchased a bra of appropriate size and some balloons to fill with water After trial and error with the size of the balloons I snapped some photos that are linked below. Has anyone else tried this or thinking of doing it? Appreciate any feedback on this, I can't judge whether I am suited to having a feminine form or not as I'm my own worst critic. I realise that the photos probably aren't clear either, but I don't own any other colour than black!

I'll say right off the bat that I'm not intending to offend or denigrate anyone while doing this, its simply something that I'm experimenting with and sharing my thoughts with a community of people who I believe to have valuable input.

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http://i82.photobuck...s/Picture17.jpg

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[Guest Maria_B]

I think you're going about this in a rational and healthy way, besides the constant self loathing, but thats not party of your plan

Personally, I think the boobs look good on you.

Definitely o.o

[Guest Alder]

In my unprofessional opinion, I think you look very lovely with breasts (and good size choice too!) Also, kind of unrelated.... you have very pretty hands.

[Guest Micha]

I concure with your friend, and what your psychologist said makes sense.

Your pictures are great and you look wonderful. Your smile was most telling, did you feel as good as it looked like you did?

[Guest Roux]

I can't judge whether I am suited to having a feminine form or not as I'm my own worst critic.

Um, yes. You look fantastic! And those are water balloons, really? If you look that good with water balloons, you'll be dangerous if you get your hands on breast forms.

Good to hear you have a supportive friend and psychologist, too, by the way. I hope you make leaps and bounds of progress; keep us posted.

[Guest Hydraxide]

Thanks for the input guys, made me smile for the first time in several days

Given the choice and if I could flip a switch, I would be female. I've never been comfortable really as a male and it shows by failing to live up to 'expectations' that being male puts on you. I never liked physical work or getting dirty, shy away from confrontation, don't drink beer and hang out with 'the boys' watching sports etc etc. I've aways wanted to be beautiful rather than 'handsome' and the increasing effects of testosterone over time are beginning to depress me. I used to be very androgynous when I was about 16-22. I still have the slim build, pale skin and slender hands (Thanks Alder ^.^) that I used to have but the facial hair is thickening and body hair is building. I'm seriously contemplating getting anti-androgens to block the slow decline into masculinity but I fear the consequences of a lack of sex hormones n the skeleton.

That, and I'm a scientist and I need my brain in top shape for my work. Jeopardising that really makes me afraid, but at the same time I can't deny that I'm not happy with my body and that it will only get worse. Whenever I see women I sigh that they are so beautiful and have such a graceful body shape rather than the blockiness that is the male destiny. I consider taking estrogen as well as anti androgens to reverse the changes on my body, at least in part. I don't really know where I would call a halt to the body changes, when I was wearing the faux breasts I couldn't hep feeling 'I could get used to this' . That said, unless you fully transition life would not be easy for a feminine looking guy with boobs.

I guess I should talk to Jo-I-Dunno. He seems to be in the same boat, wanting to not be a MAN. Its possible that this is a 'Peter Pan' Syndrome-esque situation; wanting to preserve youth and delicate looks from the ravages of time and male hormones. I hate to take chances but I'm now 25 and the longer it goes on, the worse the effects of testosterone will be. I've been celibate and single for 7 years and I don't intend to ever have children so I guess any negative effects 'down there' are pretty much dismissable. From my research, most of the effects of hormones are reversible once you stop taking them.

Sigh, I guess I'm just not 'trans enough' for a full transition, there's no guarantee that I would be more happy as a woman than a man. I'm in between, but biology doesn't deal with middle ground. All I know is, right now I'm unhappy but I don't know what is the best course of action to fix it.

[Guest terra]

It sucks being like a lava lamp :/ all moving around changing shape (in the mind/ emotionally and pysically) and all up and down as well. You appear very level headed and i'm sure that you'll find your shape and feel definite

Either way, you have nice eyebrows