I Don't Know What I Am.

[Guest AREAZEL]

I don't know what I am and it is starting to really mess with my head and how i function. I know I am bisexual, there is no question there. But I feel sometimes, more often than not, that I am FTM. But sometimes I don't. But I have lived my life with a major anxiety problem so I never acknowledged something that was hurting me (ex. i have had migraines for the past three years and never told, and i am lactose intolerant and i never told until recently. because i didn't want to burden anyone with my whining because i never thought i counted). So some of me is wondering if it is possible that I did that with who I am. I also had a few years where I barely can remember who I was (mental breakdowns and whatnot). But I wonder - worry - sometimes that I don't know who I am because am so eager to please the people around me and so eager now to create a problem for them (if they see me as a girl why not just stay a girl and they can be happy). What is it to want to be a guy, who is feminine, but physically I don't have any issues but I do like to dress as a boy.

I don't know anymore.

[Carolyn Marie]

Areazel, given that this is your first post, let me welcome you to the Playground. When you get around to it, you might want to post an introduction in the, what else, Introduction Forum.

Confusion, doubts and fears are very common things we TG experience. You are not alone in that. While there are many who know at an early age exactly what and who they are, many don't, so don't feel bad about being confused.

The answer we give most people is that you should see a gender therapist, who has received special training and experience with working with TG people, and helping them find the truth in their nature. They won't tell you who you are or what you should do, but they will guide you to your own conclusions about yourself. No one here can tell you if you are transsexual, androgynous, genderqueer, or anything else.

Read through the forums, perhaps starting with the FtM or Androgyne Forums, and see what others have said who have similar doubts. Ask your questions, and learn all you can.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Krisina]

Welcome to Laura's playground Areazel.

So, you have had some major anxiety issues, migraines, plus lactose intolerant. You have been suppressing some feelings too.

You were born with a girls body yet you like dressing as a boy. You don't have any issues with your body right now, if I hear you correctly BUT you are wondering what it is to be a guy. We suppress a lot of things in our lives, often to make other people happy and not wanting to rock the boat. You said "if they see me as a girl why not just stay a girl and they can be happy"

It can be hard in life, we want to be normal and we want to be happy. We want others to be happy and don't want to disturb friends and families lives either. Yet we have issues we are dealing with inside. For me my brain doesn't match my body. It has taken a long long time to get to this point of self acceptance and understanding. I hope you can get the help you need too.

For me I finally got the courage to get in contact with a gender therapist. That has made a huge difference in my life. I don't feel like a freak of nature, and there is a name for what I am transgender. I just wanted to be a normal person and have a normal life like everyone else but it is hard. I really think as you look around here and also ask more questions it will help you out :-) and make you feel better about yourself and understand yourself better too, of who you are.

Krisina