Why Emotions?

[Guest jantonio]

So yesterday I was talking with my gf and I told her I scheduled a visit with a Dr. to see about chest surgery. She said just to take things slowly I guess because so much is happening in my life at the moment. But for some strange reason I got emotional and I said "Why do we have to go through all this just to be ourselves???" I was sad and angry at the same time. She got concerned and she met me at my condo, we talked for awhile and I went to the gym. Well so far so good. Then sometime during the night we started talking about me having to come out to my family pretty soon because I don't want to shock them once "T" starts kicking in. For some strange reason I broke down, I started crying, sobbing saying just all the crap we have to go through just to be ourselves. I said it would've been simpler if I would've been a bio guy.

Maybe these emotions are coming from the fact that I have my period "prays is the last one" and the combination of the two hormones. I dunno, all I know is that I broke down sobbing. Maybe I am scared that my family will reject me for who I am.

Anyways, I am so sorry for this rant. Have you guys and ladies experienced something similar to this, specially when you know that you need to come out pretty soon?

Jose Antonio...

[Guest JayJaye]

I've been pretty zen since starting T, but my last period, which came 2 weeks early AND after I'd started T, really made me angry for some reason. I was short and snippy and basically peed off. Probably emotions coupled with hormones and an absolute loathing of my period.

Hormones are some serious sh*t unfortunately.

Hang in there. I, too, keep getting the 'you're going too fast!' but yanno, I've been living in this wrong body thing for far too long. I'm old enough to be most of y'all's here parent. I want the physical stuff over (surgeries) and then I can let T do its thing. I know lots of guys who sprang for top surgery far before T even.

Jay

[Guest raydub]

i was ok until a couple days ago. i was pretty much fighting back emotion most of the day long. i figured it was just time for a shot...(which it is today). and it sucks to be all hormone screwed but we will get to where we're supposed to be.. in due time. just waitin for it bites.

i wonder if i could convince my girl that we should change my shot to one/week. she didnt seem too keen on the idea when the doctor mentioned it...but its not her body/emotions so....*sigh*

sorry youre going through it a little Jose.. just know that it passes dude.. and YES.. others go through it too. i sit here at work every day thinking bout the conversation im going to have to have with my boss about me transitioning, changing my name, using the proper restroom...well..him and HR. talking to HR doesnt seem like itll be hard..but my boss (VP of IT) is kind of a stern guy.. or at least he seems that way. even when he's joking around he's serious.. /shrug. its probably just me.

ramble over.

Ray

[Guest jantonio]

Thanks Jay and Ray, I am glad to know I am not the only one. That hormones can mess with your emotions at the beginning. I just need to have patience, continue doing my regular spiritual meditations with the optimism that I will get there.

Thanks guys...

Jose Antonio...

[Guest harvester52]

I did this just about a week ago. I had a breakdown, was sobbing all night... I just got so mad at the world all of a sudden. I'm better now, but for awhile... I was not well.

[Guest My_Genesis]

I seem to be a relatively unemotional person, but when it comes to anger..i can get really angry sometimes, I think I might have anger management problems and the only time i actually cry, or at least feel like crying, is when i'm angry..if not, then its because of something that has affected me personally; in other words, I've never cried (nor felt the need to) during a movie, song, while reading or watching something, etc...

But then there are these random days that I do seem to have PMS-like symptoms, but that can happen pretty much anytime...I think for me it's more related to just being an angry person in general because of what I've been through with these experiences (and also because it's so much easier for me to express anger, since that is an emotion seen frequently in males)..I don't think it has anything to do with hormones (I don't take T, I'm referring to fluctuations in female hormones , from which my emotions seem to be completely detached and unrelated.) If anything T would probably just make it harder for me to control my anger, but that's just a guess..can never tell for sure of course..

[Guest CharlieRose]

It's kind of funny, but whenever I menstruate or get PMS, that's when I feel really really trans. You'd think the estrogen would "girl" me out, maybe, but instead it just brings out what's really in me in a really angry and tearful way.

I remember one cycle or so ago, I spent like five straight nights crying myself to sleep, just imagining myself dancing with my sister at her wedding, dancing with my mom at mine... Doing things with friends and just BEING a guy, I dunno, it's kind of hard to describe. I'm not scared to come out. I guess I should be; that's what my parents and therapist keep reminding me... I suppose I'm just so excited to get to be myself that I don't think it matters much if my uncle who can't even pronounce my name thinks that gay people are sexual deviants and therefore might not be so accepting of me.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Jose,

I have so had those same feelings you're describing...almost exactly. Yeah, I just paid that massive deposit to hold my chest surgery date and it is sinking in how much more the actual surgery will cost. I'm worried about the pain and the recovery. Of course, obsessing about all these details and planning has kept me from what really freaks me out: coming out to my parents. I've never openly identified as lesbian or bisexual to my family because they are not cool with anything other than standard, garden variety heterosexuals. Yeah...not cool. I'm not looking forward to the coming out stuff either.

Anyway, every now and then I just feel this rage, deep inside. I'm so angry that I have to have surgery. I'm angry that people can even potentially have a problem with what I'm doing or who I am. You know? What the heck, man? Sometimes I even feel angry at bioguys because they have it so much easier than me. I know it isn't their fault, but I still look at them and feel envious of the stuff they have that I'll never have.

We really do have to go through a lot of crap just to be ourselves. However, in the end, I think it makes us better, stronger people. There have been a couple of occasions recently where I just totally broke down. I kept telling my friends that I wish I could just not have these feelings...just be normal. They've all told me that they know that I'm going through and have been through some really painful stuff, but they all feel like it has made me a deeper, more thoughtful person...more tolerant, more understanding of others' differences. In the end, I like the "me" that has come out of this. Sorry...just rambling a bit...and trying to find the up side to it all.

So, yeah, I feel you man...totally. I think we all understand those feelings.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

Yes, on occasion I too have been crushingly depressed and hopelessly engulfed by body dysphoria and hatred directed at myself. A few times I have contemplated destroying my organs. I have never actually attacked myself though... that being said I usually recover in a few hours.

[Guest Evan_J]

Heck I'm not even on T yet but I think I had a big bout of what you're talkin about a couple weeks ago. Shortly after starting gender therapy actually. Regardless of how "out" I thought I was about everything and for however long, the therapy brought a certain "reality" into the picture that wasn't there before simply because it does end in T and physical transitioning. And it "freaked me out" to an extent; I was like OMG what the _______ am I going to tell my landlord? I know- insane person to be worried about- but thats how it was, it was that even "insignificant" people are going to know, will see, and there will be some kind of reaction. Do you say something first? Who do you say something to and who do you let find out by seeing? I dunno. I just know I freaked out a ....well ok, a lot lol. And the other thing that made me feel freaked was that now there's a definate "timeline", I can expect this and that change in a specified amount of time. Changes the scenario.

[Guest Jackson]

I go through swings like that too. The last cycle I had the PMS was the worst because of the feeling that I shouldn't be having these hormones, having these mood swings, having to go through all this stupid stuff. But even though I just started T last Friday I was feeling really hopeless last night. I just get hopeless that I am doing something that will make me into the person I am, but may be condemning myself to a lifetime of being alone (without a romantic relationship with a woman). I don't get angry about everything I'm going to have to go through. Now I'm just coasting on my timeline. I've already talked to the parents, the boss, the close closeworkers, the close friends. That was the worst for me. Now it's just everyone else. I've gotten to the point that I don't care what anyone else thinks or says because I *have* to do this. It's not a choice. If I want to be relatively satisfied with my life, I have to go through this. I'm not going to say happy because no on is guaranteed happiness in life. I'm not even worried about the surgeries. Because pain is temporary, pride is forever. Converting (I don't really like the word "transition") is just one more thing I have to do in life. Just like there is nothing certain in life other than death and taxes, this is something that must happen. Or else.

[Guest skyy]

well i have a lot of emotions i'm dealing with. but i have felt at times what you are describing. i usually just become cold, unfeeling, and tired. i just want to stop thinking and moving. however, now that i am farther along, i do feel those blasts of feelings. i think they have been there all along, its just now for the first time in our lives, we are admiting them. this will most likely keep occuring until we are up to par with ourselves. but are for being born bio___. it would be a lot easier, but the pain and suffering we've been through will only make us stronger in the end. we will be far more powerful in heart than we would have been otherwise. but i guess stuff happenes. it had to happen to some one, and i guess thats just us. even if i feel like i would want to, i realize i wouldnt give it up given the opportunity. i've grown so much from all of this, and when i finally do excape, my story will be legendary, i will be reborn in a way i would never have gained as a bio-girl.

[Guest skyy]

oh yea...disturbed does rock, very hard.

[Guest My_Genesis]

well i have a lot of emotions i'm dealing with. but i have felt at times what you are describing. i usually just become cold, unfeeling, and tired. i just want to stop thinking and moving. however, now that i am farther along, i do feel those blasts of feelings. i think they have been there all along, its just now for the first time in our lives, we are admiting them. this will most likely keep occuring until we are up to par with ourselves. but are for being born bio___. it would be a lot easier, but the pain and suffering we've been through will only make us stronger in the end. we will be far more powerful in heart than we would have been otherwise. but i guess stuff happenes. it had to happen to some one, and i guess thats just us. even if i feel like i would want to, i realize i wouldnt give it up given the opportunity. i've grown so much from all of this, and when i finally do excape, my story will be legendary, i will be reborn in a way i would never have gained as a bio-girl.

I can't even really say what my life would be like if I had been born male..my life has revolved around this issue so much, and it would have been so much more different had I lived my life thus far as a male. I do think I would have been much happier growing up (well obviously)..but there are a lot of things that just weren't fun to me growing up, or things I avoided or felt awkward about simply because of this..for example, going to the beach This whole thing has become a large part of my life, I think I would be a completely different person today without it..if I think of how I would have been growing up in a male body..I don't even see myself, I see a completely different person. I guess this has become a part of my identity, I don't know whether that's good or not..but it's a little weird if you think about it too much

And then there are times that I feel like I was never really a part of the world, because I didn't have the childhood everyone else usually does..I feel like I've missed out on childhood, and somehow I have to integrate myself into the adult world, and feel like I'm a part of it, even though my childhood is essentially missing from my life. I guess my best bet would be to do it backwards, and live vicariously through a son or something..it's hard for me to face the fact that nothing is perfect, and that I will never be able to get back the childhood I've lost because of this. That is probably going to be one of the most difficult things for me to overcome..there are no second chances..even if the first time around, you never really had a chance to begin with, there still aren't any do-overs. It can be pretty depressing for me sometimes but I still have enough faith to believe that this all happened to us for a reason, even though I may not know what that reason is right now.