Dating Horror Stories

[Guest huntracer]

Very Scary and Sad Tale Guys,

Here's my worst dating story yet. I transitioned back in 2000 and pass 100%. I have had upper surgery. Plan to have a full phalloplasty in Belgium next year (went to visit Monstrey in Belgium last summer and definitely want the phallo).

I have dated this woman 5 or 6 times. Total. We kissed and made out about 4 or 5 times. She was the aggressor (always the one to initiate the kisssing). She also was very upfront about how she was a very religious woman and a member of the "Assembly of God" church here in town. One of those fundamentalist pentacostal sects who believe in speaking in tongues and in a literal interpretation of the bible. But here's the deal. From about our first date, I told her I was an atheist and believed (and do believe) that believing in god is a genetic trait of human beings that has evolutionary advantages for the species (somehow). That the belief in a god does more harm than good and that goodness is not dependant upon belief in an outside foreign deity. And she accepted this about me and did not try and push her religion on me. (And it didn't stop her from sticking her tongue down my throat).

Ok - so after about the 5th or 6th date over these past few months, and knowing her religious ideas, which included a condemnation of gays and lesbians, I thought, you know? I don't want to waste any more time with this woman if my being trans is a deal-breaker for her. I did not want to waste my time either. So I decided to tell her to find out, once and for all, if whe accepted me as trans - or not. Boy! Was that a HUGE MISTAKE. I should have NEVER told this woman and just broken off the relationship and told her our views on religion were too incompatible. Period.

This woman proceeded to call me a "******* Lesbian...." (how Christian of her) yelled and screamed at me. Said I was "totally female" "had all my female parts" said she was going to tell everyone in town I was a "******* Lesbian...." etc. etc. It was the WORST reaction I have ever gotten from a date.

Sad tale. I have had some dates shocked before but no-one who has absolutely verbally abused me and attacked me like this.

Anyone had this happen? For the record, I don't recommend any trans guys dating fundamentalist Christian (so-called) ladies.

Huntracer in Michigan

[Guest Snow Angel]

Dang, lol. What a zealot! @_@

[Guest JayJaye]

Sounds like a lovely (cough, cough!) Christian woman.

Um, doesn't sound very Christ-like (hell, or even lady-like!!).

Somebody needs some chill pills.

Jay

[Guest theEND]

Wow, what the hell is her problem?? To be honest, I think you're better off without her

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Whoa! Dude! That's pretty awful! It's funny how people that call themselves Christians can turn ugly like that. It definitely doesn't bring to mind an image of "Christ-like" to me. I will be careful of dating Christians...for sure.

Still, man...that had to sting. I'm sorry that happened to you. Of all the reactions I would have expected in that situation, hers seems the most extreme I could have imagined. If it is any comfort, she was probably angry because, in her narrow world view, you "tricked" her...which you totally didn't do. Wow...volatile woman...man...

[Guest Cal]

Well her loss right?

[Guest My_Genesis]

Yikes! ... My mom is Catholic and she raised me Catholic but she's the more liberal type..I kinda branched away from all the crap going on with the Church now, and just Christianity in general, and kinda have my own personal Christian beliefs. Fundamentalist Christians and the religious rite can really get to me sometimes, I'm a very open-minded person and I can't stand seeing people being so close-minded, even if it doesn't involve me, its just completely maddening, the image I get of them is of a group of ignorant, two-faced hypocrites Pretty anti-Christian, if you ask me..and not "fundamentalist" at all, because they are venturing further and further away from the basic principles. I use religion as guide for my own life, not to judge the way everyone else lives theirs and to tell them they're going to go to Hell if their views are not the same as mine..

I'm sorry that had to happen to you. Thanks for the warning...although I kinda steer clear of people like that in general, anyway

[Guest Evan_J]

Just for future: 1) Assembly of God = run do not walk; speedboat or helicopter if at all possible.

2) Derisive statements of any kind regarding "those gays" or "them lesbians" is code for "I think all trans people are evil wierdo freaks and work of the devil and should be eradicated from my "good clean christian world".

3) The statement "I'm from Michigan" spoken by anyone who simultaneously mentions any of the above two sentiments in any contexts means, "ewwww, I don't except you or people like you get away from me you evil wierdo freak, lthough I find absolutely no sin in screwing anything that moves as long as we are not LGBT cuz even unmarried or committing adultry God wants straight people to do it till their genitals fall off so we are doing his will....."

....just a few tidbits on Michigan accumulated over a LOOOOONG time.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

Ugh, that sucks when that happens. I'm sorry that this person was so disgustingly intolerant.

I hope that you can meet a person who respects you and loves you for who you are.

[Guest huntracer]

Thanks to all who responded. I am now 4 days "post-horror-day" and doing better, thanks partly to your posts!

Onward and upward. New date on the horizon with a woman I met on e-hamony.com.

Cheers,

huntracer

[MaryEllen]

Hello huntracer,

I'm happy to hear that you are getting over that last unfortunate incident. A word of advice. Be totally honest and up front with your next date. Tell her exactly who and what you are before you even step out the door with her. Even if it means that the relationship will end right then and there. I would suspect that your last date became angered because she felt that you had deceived her into thinking you were someone that you were not. No one likes to be deceived so I can kind of see where she was coming from. She should have been informed long before your relationship proceeded to the point that it did. Just my 2 cents worth.

MaryEllen

[Guest lorddillon]

I sorta agree with MaryEllen, but I sorta don't agree either.

My general cutoff is 4 dates. If we have 4 dates I tell them everything on # 4. This puts the ball in their court before too much has gone on. I don't think doing it before the first date is reasonable; what if you don't naturally hit it off anyway and you never see each other again, then you would have outed yourself to someone for little/no reason. So on the first date I just try and have a normal 1st date...

I also believe, though, that it depends upon the person and circumstances. Maybe by the 4th date, some people would have already slept together, then of course they should have full disclosure before that. I am the 'take it slow' type of guy so this isn't a problem for me, but I don't presume to know how everyone else does things and I don't think my way is the only right way, so there ya go.

Anyway, my 2 cents.

[Guest lauren33]

wow huntracer that sounds like everyones worst feared reaction from somebody besides violence. heres what i think: if she calls herself christian then i would expect that she will be asked about thatparticular event on her judgment day. i would like to hear her answer to that one . myself i don't believe in organized religion. i really don't think that anybody has the rght to impose their rligious views on anybody ever. she obviously thinks that it's ok to judge others so long as she is standing behind her wall of christianity. boy she will be in for a shocker . whatever. what goes around comes around. THAT i do believe in.. anyway keep your head up and don't let one persons narrow little mind get you down. their is plenty of real fish in the sea

Lauren xoxo

[Guest huntracer]

General Topic/Issue is "When is it best to tell a date you are Trans?" (regarding my horror story).

I have had a therapist tell me she advises all clients to wait 6 months. The general conensus in my trans support group is telling someone you are trans is a very personal issue. If you are NOT having sex with the person, and if you have had upper surgery, and if you sound and look male, and are legally male, as the State of Michigan allows you to change your legal sex - including changing your birth certificate - then telling a woman what you have (or don't have) in your pants is really none of her business, right?

If she is a casual date, I don't think this warrants the "full disclosure", personally. Anymore than a man who has a 3 inch penis (and there are more than a few men around with such small parts, believe me - I have seen them in my gym that I work out in). Would a guy with a 3 incher feel compelled to tell his date this fact on the 3rd or 4th date - or EVER - if he knows she is (probably) just a casual date? Not "marriage material" or not a serious type relationship? My own view is its better NOT to tell someone. I tend to agree with my therapist. My big mistake was dating a fundamentalist, uneducated, anti-gay, anti-lesbian, bigoted, small-minded person to start with. I should have known better.

Isn't disclosing to a date you are Trans the equivalent of telling someone you have a medical or birth defect? Why should I tell them that if it turns out (by the 4th date) we aren't hitting it off anyway? I am interested in getting more of your thoughts on this.

Thanks,

Hunter

[Guest Martin]

I don't think it's deceiving someone if you don't tell them you're transsexual - after all, it's not deceiving someone if you don't reveal other medical conditions. However, maybe disclosing early on could save you some heartache. I'm not sure, though - to be frank, I haven't been in that situation yet.

[Guest Evan_J]

I agree with you on that. I truely do. I guess my thing with myself would be to figure out how "far" I could go with the not marriage material lady (don't judge )and still be "in bounds"? Lemme clarify, can you makeout, grope, grind and as long as you still have your pants on still be considered playing fair if its undisclosed? Yes, I really am asking folks.

...I dunno. I guess I have to ask because I know that -and this is just being honest guys- I know that "not the marrying kind" does not mean I won't think you're not the "grope/feel/and I really want to have sex with you kind I'm just not". I'll even cop to that sometimes its exactly the girl who I would never date seriously that I often most want to do all of those things with. So then does it just become necessary to tell just because there is some physical contact?

[Guest sar-bear]

well im going to say what i was oh what the hell sounds like a biiittccchhh to me

ur 2 good 4 her any way

[Guest emeweme]

that's harsh...

stories like this make me glad I'm gay, because it's kind of hard for your partner to be devoted to a religion that considers them a perversion of nature.

In my opinion, unless you're planning on taking your pants off and doing something with what hangs out underneath there, you don't need to tell them. Mainly though, it's your choice. If you feel better coming clean early on, go ahead and do it. If you don't want to tell them ever, get a really good prosthetic, tell your parter you're into bondage, tie her to the bed, turn the lights off, and put your pants back on really fast when you're done.