Plagued by Doubt

[Guest Skye24]

I apologize in advance for the rambling essay...

So I'm just kind of confused about whether I should pursue gender counseling and possibly transition. I highly doubt I'm a 'classic transsexual,' I haven't had some sense of certainty that I should be a girl. But the idea of transitioning has run through my mind quite a few times over the years. I remember fantasizing when I was little about being able to change sexes at will. And now that I'm mature and open-minded enough to be honest with myself, I am almost certain I would have preferred to be born female. But that's more of a wish or a dream than a strong drive. I've been obsessing over transsexualism in the last week and I'm wondering whether I should just drop the idea and move on, or get counseling.

I'm 18, about to start college, and live with my parents. They're very supportive of me in many ways, but I have a feeling they wouldn't take me seriously if I said I wanted gender therapy. They'd probably think that was absurd, and I should just go on being myself as a somewhat strange boy. My mom has a degree in psychology and I expect she'd just say that I was fine as far as she could tell and don't require any counseling (when I told her I thought I was schizoid- which I now can see isn't true- she pretty much laughed it off). I'm afraid to tell them, in case they don't believe me or would lose respect for me (my standoffish nature is already a recurring disappointment to them). And I'd hate to spend a lot of money (mine or theirs- and I'm not financially independent yet, and won't really be for a while) on counseling if it turned out I'm basically normal. But I've heard HRT gets less effective with age, and I'd like to spend more of my young years as the best gender for me.

I don't think I was particularly feminine as a child. I could appreciate boys' games or girls', but because of social pressure I didn't participate in the girls' games. I liked karate and I did soccer too when I was really little, but I didn't like sports in high school, because they seemed pointless and I didn't want to let down my team or embarrass myself. I was never really comfortable working with a team in sports. I preferred music as a pastime, because of the emotions it made me feel and because girls supposedly dig guitarists. I wasn't very gender-curious when I was a kid, I just took everything for granted and wasn't that self-aware. When I was younger my better friends were boys but from maybe 10 to 13 my best friends/lover were girls. By the time I got to high school, though, they were pretty much gone from my life.

I went to an all-male high school (could that have triggered some gender-bending instinct in me, lol?), and my little sister was my only really good friend. At that time she was basically the only girl I knew. I didn't really have friends, just friendly acquaintances (mostly the geeks and nerds). I don't know if I make friends better with girls, though, since I didn't really have opportunities to. I think I'm just as awkward around either gender, maybe more around girls since I'm attracted to them (a lot of the time I feel like girls think I'm a creep because I'm so quiet and weird). I contemplated suicide a lot in high school, but I don't know that it was because of gender issues, more because of general stress and social fears. I'm a very shy and aloof person, and I'm always afraid of how what I say might reflect on me, however much I tell myself not to let other people's opinions of me run my life.

I've never thought the idea of a lesbian transwoman was strange; it just seems like the extension to the extreme of the love of feminine beauty for me. Do most guys look at a beautiful woman and not only want her, but want to be like her? Doesn't everyone envy hot girls? I like to appear and be thought of as feminine; I've wanted to shave all my body hair off but my mom and sister told me not to, that was for girls, and that made me a little jealous. I also wish I had the options that come with wearing women's clothing; men's clothes are just generally blander (I basically wear t-shirts and shorts or jeans all the time). I'm drawn to the idea of growing my hair really long (I just started growing it out, my high school wouldn't let me). Using products made for women (shampoo, deodorant, etc.) makes me happy. I've wanted to wear makeup and feel kind of embarrassed that I don't know the first thing about applying it. The idea of doing HRT and transitioning excites me. But I basically never act on any of these impulses. And I feel like I could live relatively happily as a man. I sort of feel like I should be a man, but I want to be a woman. I worry that I’m faking, but I don’t want to be faking.

But however much seeming feminine appeals to me, however much I want to be beautiful (I don't feel good-looking as a guy, and not only because I'm a guy), it makes me feel sort of selfish and vain to think about it. Like this is just folly and I wouldn't be comfortable presenting as a woman because I'd be too self-conscious, or this is just a phase, or I'm just lying to myself saying that it's more than fetishistic (I've only once or twice crossdressed for sexual pleasure, by the way, several years ago and I felt really guilty about it. Incidentally, those are the only times I've crossdressed. I'm almost never alone in the house). Or I feel like I could never pass (I have a big nose and slightly broad shoulders, though a light build), or even if I did, I could never feel like I 'belonged' as a woman even though I might want to. Or I just want a community to belong to, or something to rebel against. Or transitioning would be a horrible, expensive, painful mistake that would ironically let me know what it's really like to be trapped in the wrong gender. Or I'll forget about this as soon as I have a girlfriend. Or I'll just go from being an ugly man to an ugly woman. Or I’m just doing this for attention. But maybe all my doubts are just rationalizing against taking the painful first steps toward becoming who I really am. But I can't decide.

I’m effeminate for a guy, and if I acted like myself everyone would probably think I was gay. But I’m not really feminine- I’m antisocial and pragmatic. I already have a hard time passing as human, my public face is robotically emotionless. Should I just take the path of least resistance and stay as a guy, rather than go through the trouble of making a new life for myself? Part of me wants to be a transsexual. I wish I had their certainty, but I don't. What should I do?

[JJ]

Hopefully if you tell your mother you have long had gender uncertainties and they are becoming increasingly difficult to deal with she would consent to let you see a Gender Therapist. I don't know what her expertise is in psychology but we do frequently hear about psychologists who are not familiar with GID and mistreat it. So often their focus is diagnosing and treating a mental illness or maladjustment where a Gender Therapist is more of guide who helps you discover your true gender and what you need to do to live a happy life. The approach is fundamentally different. Because if you are transsexual or transgendered you are not mentally ill but suffering the effects of a physical condition. Which has been recognized by even the AMA but many psychologists are unaware of that because the research that has substantiated has only been possible the last three years or so because of new brain imaging techniques. Here are a couple of links that might help-the first is a news site and not a TS/TG site and the studies referenced are pretty much in scientific terms. http://aebrain.blogspot.com/p/reference-works-on-transsexual-and.html

The second is a thread here with other sites mentioned -http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=26503

If you are transsexual then this is not a phase and while it can be pushed back it never goes away and eventually has to be addressed. Some transition, some don't. Some hate their bodies and some don't. Some feel acute distress all the time and others just feel wrong. It varies. There is no such thing as a typical transsexual. I had all the classic symptoms as a child. But I am an FtM transitioning in my 60s-I can't even find another one anywhere-so I am not typical after all. None of us are. You are you. No more or less. I do know that I tended withdraw and never feel comfortable socially with people-not even my own family. I have come to realize that it was because of this feeling of just being wrong. Always at odds with the world And it dates back to my earliest memories even before preschool. Many of the things that plague you and concern you could also be gender related because it affects so much of our lives. I notice you said essentially that you are not being yourself with others. The results of that can be painful and the cause can be gender identity. I am not a therapist and can't say that your feelings are caused by gender -just saying it is a possible cause from observation of my life and others. But I can say with no doubt that living your life trying to be someone you are not is a terrible waste and ultimately a miserable existance.

You owe it to yourself and your future to try to get these feelings and doubts resolved. Maning up is just not the answer, Finding out who you really are and being that person is.

You are still plenty young if you do transition and your other concerns will work out as far as learning to be a girl and living as a woman if that is what you ultimately decide. The real thing here is to decide if that is what you do want. Try hard for that GT!

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Izzybell]

Skye24,

First of all, welcome to the forums. I'm pretty new here, too. Second, wow. I cannot believe how much of your story I can relate to. I mean, wow, that second to last paragraph pretty much sums up what I've been/am worrying about. I too have felt kind of awkward around either gender, I guess more so around women. I have have never thought of myself as particularity good looking, and not just because I'm a guy, and I've worried that if I do ever decide to transition that I'll never pass. (I also have a big nose and broad shoulders. lol) I also felt this was kind of selfish thinking about this. After talking to my therapist, she told me that, while it may be somewhat selfish, the desire to be beautiful or feeling you are ugly is not a unique feeling. Pretty much everyone will experience this feeling. She told me this was a human emotion, and it's bound to be prevalent in your teens to even late twenties. I've also worried that that I'm not transgender and that if I do ever decide to transition, it would be a big mistake. Even the fear that I just want to be part of a community, or that I just really want to be transgender is something I've worried about. Seriously, I cannot believe how much I can relate to your story!

While I'm not really in the position to give advice as I am still pretty new to this, I think most people here will recommend seeing a gender therapist to help you sort out all of these feelings. Even if you find out that you are not transgender, it better to figure out who you are and be happy than to constantly wonder. And there is no rush to figure yourself out. That's something I've been coming to terms with. I will be 21 next month and have felt that time is slipping away, but it's not. You are still young, and you do not want to rush into any decisions because you feel being younger would make transitioning easier. There is plenty of time to figure out who you are.

I hope your time here will help you in your journey of self-discovery.

-Izzy

P.S. Sorry for all the rambling and reiteration. I accidentally deleted what I was going to post so I'm trying to rewrite it from memory. lol

[Guest Skye24]

Thanks for the insight and advice.

My mother has a master's in psychology (specializing in developmental, I think), but hasn't worked in the field. I'd probably have to bring her up to speed on the developments in TG psychology since the 80s. Interesting links, by the way. I've decided to talk to my mom the day after tomorrow about seeing a GT. I'll have to come up with my reasons ahead of time to make her possibly believe me, since 'All the things I've thought and didn't say' probably is too vague. But hopefully seeing a GT will help me figure out who I really am, because a lot of the time I feel like I don't know myself, or what I know about myself is just superficial. I don't want to keep wondering for the rest of my life. And hopefully even just talking to my mom about it will let me experiment more openly instead of feeling like I have to deny myself anything that raises too many questions about my gender identity (skinny jeans and My Little Pony t-shirts, here I come).

I'm hoping that my awkwardness is somewhat due to being the wrong gender but it's likely as well that it's just an ingrained part of my personality that I'll have to overcome with practice and effort- easier said than done. First day of college is tomorrow, by the way. Now I'll finally be in an environment with more than one gender, yay.

[Guest KiraMT]

I'm New here too and im kind of on the same boat, however i dont really have anyone i trust that i would be willing to tell about myself, however like you i am still quite unsure about every thing. All i know is i want to be a girl but since im not financially secure i just dont know how or where to begin with therapy and transition. Have fun in college

[Guest DanielleH]

Skye,

I'm 38 years old and am still trying to figure it all out as well, trying to figure out if I'm a crossdresser or truely transsexual. These feelings and questions didn't just come up yesterday or last week, I had them when I was a child, a teenager, at 21, and still have them today. Instead of going to see a therapist when I was 21 about it, (didn't know they existed at that time) I joined the military. One thing I wish I could have done differently is figured it out at 21. Even if you are not transsexual it will be benifficial to figure it out now.