At the point where I need to make a decision

[Guest mak]

Hi to all,

I live in Greece, I am 29 years old and I for many years now I have been thinking about the whole transition issue.

So let me tell you a few things about me first.

As a child I did not have any of the attributes that appear commonly at people with transsgendered tendencies at childhood. I did not play with dolls for example, I did never imagine myself as a girl, I did never feel the desire to secretly wear my mom's or my sister's clothes secretly etc. My hobbies and my behaviour in general was typically male. But, for one reason or another, I was generally a problem child, with deep phychological problems, no self esteem at all and generally a loner. All these problems worsened at my adolescence, when I started to explore my sexuality; I gradually discovered I had little sexual interest in women and subconsciously I feared that I was probably gay. But still there was not any transgendered issue.

At the beginning of the 00's when I was around 19-20 years I fully recognised that I was gay; and a little later I discovered that I was greatly aroused by imagining that I have sex with men as a woman. I bought magazines like Playboy and I took great pleasure by imagining that I was the one or the other playboy girl; I went to bars or walked at the streets and I would watch the beautiful girls around imagining I was at their position etc. So this whole thing started as a strictly sexual fantasy, but soon I discovered that I would enjoy generally flerting as a woman, behaving as a woman and be treated as a woman.

At that point I had for the first time some thoughts, some fantasies about transitioning, but I was not thinking about it seriously. In fact I was in denial, I felt ashamed for all these fantasies and ideas I had; and actually, because I had adopted a "machismo" attitude and ideology since I was a little boy, I felt ashamed for wanting in any way to be a woman.

All this changed around 2007-2008 when I was 25-26 years old. I had first of all some wonderful, truly liberating sexual experiences. I must tell here that at that point I couldnt have sex, if I didnt first "turn into" a woman first(in my mind offcourse); if I did not get out of my mind my male image; in order to do this I would have to drink alcohol first. So I had these liberating experiences, I also decided to reject all this machismo male bovine crap I had in my mind and go on and enjoy life.

At this point I started thinking VERY SERIOUSLY about transition. First of all I started strict diet; at that time because I had abandoned myself my weight was 115 kilos; I lost 45 kilos in little more than a year; I started crossdressing, I started searching at the internet about transition etc. Generally for around 2 years I was fascinated by the idea of transitioning and the whole idea of transitioning made me much more happy, much more optimistic and it seemed to me as the thing that could get me out of all the misery and self-pity I experienced the previous years. The idea of transitioning was generally a great motivation in my whole life, for example even my performance at my job became quite better at that time. But for one or another reason, I didnt go any step further.

And so now we come to the present; after much thought all these years, I believe now that while I would certainly want to have a female body(and even better a sexy female body), I dont want it desperately. I can live without it.

I believe that the things that weakened my will to transition the past 2-3 years are the following;

1) since I lost all this weight and became handsome I feel some satisfaction about my body; I mean that although I have a generally masculine appearance, I am generally handsome, and I get some satisfaction when I emphasize the less masculine, more feminine aspects of my image, when I smile or behave in a slighty female fashion etc. And I have rejectec, at least partly, the whole idea I had that a man who acts in a slighty female fashion is something like a caricature, a ridiculous sight.

2) I found out that there are some (few offcourse) men who like me for what I am and I like them for what they are; for example I met at my trip to Rome a great italian guy with whom I had a great time(its pity that he leaves in another country and I cant see him more often).

So the conclusion(at least for now) as I said before is that while I would like to have a female body, I think(though I am not 100% sure) that I dont desperately need it; my life would be better if I could have it, but I think I can live without it as well

So here I come to my important question? Do you think that transition is so tremendously painful, risky etc. experience that only people who feel that they desperately need it, should do it? Or is it something that a person who believes that it would definetely ιmprove his/her life should do even if he/she does not need it desperately?

The question is addressed mainly to people who have already gone through transition, but everyone's opinion will be appreciated.

I will say some things about myself later; I didnt write them at this post, because I didnt want to make it very long and tiring.

[~Nova~]

Welcome Mac,

The first step as always is to see a qualified GT. They can help you decide if what you're feeling is actually transgender or whether it's a sexual fantasy that you want to live. I fully understand both aspects and won't, and couldn't, give you advice on which way to proceed.

We are here for you and we all wish you good luck in whatever you choose. You always have an ear and an open heart here at Laura's.

Good luck

Autumn

[JJ]

I agree with Autumn that seeing a GT is an important first step. As you know we can fool ourselves in so many ways and denial can be a very powerful force indeed. Gender is a very complex issue and the answers vary as much as people themselves fo. Not all of us transition and it works for them. Some of us find we have been denying a need to transition and wasted years of our lives in unnecessary misery. Some of us are overwhelmed eventually.

There is no typical or classic transsexual. I DID always feel a different gender. Kept my male persona in my head all my life-not shared with another human being till age 63. And I am an FtM transitioning at 64. Anything but traditional or classic. You just can't say you are or aren't transsexual because of what others have done or when or base your decision to transition or not on it. I know I would have said that I have hated my body all my life, even though it was an attractive one, but that the hatred was for health reasons. I really thought I didn't have body dysphoria because of my gender - it took months to realize that I was wrong and I am actually intensely dysphoric and have been for well over 50 years. To the point it has nearly cost me my life.

Basically what I am saying is that this is such a complex situation with so much potential for self delusion that a gender therapist is invaluable in guiding you through the maze. They won't tell you who you are or what you need to do but they will help you discover who you really are and what you need to do to have a good life.

Because the only one who can really answer the question "Who am I?" is you.

Johnny

[Guest mak]

Welcome Mac,

The first step as always is to see a qualified GT. They can help you decide if what you're feeling is actually transgender or whether it's a sexual fantasy that you want to live. I fully understand both aspects and won't, and couldn't, give you advice on which way to proceed.

We are here for you and we all wish you good luck in whatever you choose. You always have an ear and an open heart here at Laura's.

Good luck

Autumn

Well, seeing a qualified GT would be great, but I am afraid that it may be difficult to find one here, at my place. But I have been visiting a phychiatrist the last 2 years, he is a good at his work and we get along quite well.

But he is not a GT.

[JJ]

Some psychiatrists are good with gender issues and stay up to date with the latest information. Many are not and just can't treat it-sometimes they are even quite harmful because they are unaware that they are treating a physical and not a mental disorder. A few even still try to cure it- that doesn't meant they are a bad psychiatrist in other areas just able to treat gender.

Sometimes a psychiatrist will refer you to a GT for joint treatment and that seems to work well. Otherwise there are online GTs and they are reasonable from what I understand. They work in various ways-some Skype -so if one won't work for you keep trying others if you decide to go that route. There is a caveat about online therapists-check them out to be sure they are legitimate. there are a lot of kooks and frauds out there. There is a list here on Laura's of online GTs who have been verified http://lauras-playgr...therapists.htm.

To me going to a GT makes sense even if you are being treated by a psychiatrist in the same way going to an orthopedist for a bone problem makes sense even if you are currently being treated by a gastroenterologist for a stomach problem. The conditions might affect each other but they require completely different knowledge and treatment. As I said not all psychiatrists are aware that in most countries gender identity is no longer considered a mental problem based on the latest research and the fact that no mental treatment has ever been effective. It can cause problems because of it's impact on our lives.

Hope this helps some

Johnny