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The end of my past, the beginning of my future and my new-found presence in the present...


Guest Svenna

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Guest Svenna

Greetings to my Sisters!

My name is Svenna.

I was born into a male body and forced into a male life. I have suffered many unwelcome consequences for this unfortunate reality in blood, sweat and far, far, FAR too many tears.

For so very long, I was alone.

But I now understand that there are many people just like me. Your life stories and advice have comforted me as I've lurked these pages. I have read many of your personal accounts, studied the links to the science involved and searched my very soul many times over since I found this site. As a result, half a lifetime of internal turmoil has now finally ended, and I am finally moving forward again towards the light.

I cannot begin to express just how much this self-acceptance has lifted my spirits. I have finally stopped fighting against what I have always known in my heart to be true and as a result I have actually been feeling hope and joy inside. Yep, hope and joy...wow! Sure beats darkness and despair!

Yes, I was born male on the outside, but HAPPILY, I now know myself to be truly female inside, and this is not a crime. This is not a delusion, psychosis, mental illness or worse. This is just ME...

Yeah, I said it, I am HAPPY to be female. Feels good to admit it, too. Darn good.

But I am not naive. This is gonna be one heck of a difficult journey!

I will have to share the details of my circumstances and life history another day. At the moment I am just about overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Relief, joy, trepidation, fear....always fear. Ah, for a more perfect world!

So, for now, let my thanks to you all suffice. Without such a place as this, I would have had no place to turn, and frankly, time was running out on for me. Seriously...

I can barely believe that I managed to survive long enough to see this day, let alone even dream to say such things in print. But here I am, still kicking after all these years, looking forward to tomorrows challenges.

As I raise up my head for a look around my brave new world, I am just now realizing that I actually did survive long enough to see the sun rise on a beautiful new day. I am ready to live again.

My old life has ended, my new life has just begun and I welcome my belated rebirth!

I may not look like it yet, but I am a woman.

Thank you for being here.

Love, Svenna

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  • Root Admin

Hello Svenna,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. :)

MaryEllen

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Guest Miss_Construe

Sveena,

As the phoenix you rise from the ashes of you despair. Welcome to the posting grounds. It is really great to hear from you. The fear is still there for me, but I find the strength through my friends here and IRL to move forward in happier and happier days. I so look forward to hearing your story and journeying along side you.

April

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Welcome to Laura's Svenna :)

I am happy that you found yourself and preparing for your transition. I also spent some time in the forums before I joined and became excited when I realized who I was. Like you I knew at that time I was not going to turn back no matter the consequences.

I'd like you to read the terms & conditions found in the lower right hand corner of every page if you haven't already. We moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone.

I know you will enjoy it here for you it appears you are right at home.

{{{hugs}}}

Jenny

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Guest Svenna

Hello Svenna,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. :)

MaryEllen

MaryEllen,

Thank you for being here. Without somebody to share with, I would never have given voice to my true self. I cannot understate how important the presence of sympathetic/empathetic ears are to my process. Alone, I never could raise sufficient courage to face the facts as I know them in my heart. Together with gentle-spirited women like yourself, I can now hope to overcome the remaining obstacles in my journey.

I am no stranger to pain. Thank you for taking the time to welcome me. It means more to me than I can say...

Love to you, Svenna

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Guest Svenna

Sveena,

As the phoenix you rise from the ashes of you despair. Welcome to the posting grounds. It is really great to hear from you. The fear is still there for me, but I find the strength through my friends here and IRL to move forward in happier and happier days. I so look forward to hearing your story and journeying along side you.

April

Hello April!

Thank you for your encouragement.

Rising from the ashes will be a big challenge, but I have no place left to go but up!

I so look forward to sifting through my old life for the pieces of the real me that I have left strewn over the decades, and then stitching them into the fabric of a better existence. In fairness, my life hasn't all been about violence and pain and suffering. In spite of my unwanted 'maleness', I have been fortunate to experience incredible things with some super folks in very interesting circumstances. But the unfortunate truth is that most people I have known over the years would have never welcomed me into their lives if they knew my 'secret'. Some would have behaved very poorly, indeed!

I hope I may someday ease the minds of others like myself as you have eased mine.

I accept your welcome like a very precious gift. Thank you so much!

Love, Svenna

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Guest Svenna

Welcome to Laura's Svenna :)

I am happy that you found yourself and preparing for your transition. I also spent some time in the forums before I joined and became excited when I realized who I was. Like you I knew at that time I was not going to turn back no matter the consequences.

I'd like you to read the terms & conditions found in the lower right hand corner of every page if you haven't already. We moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone.

I know you will enjoy it here for you it appears you are right at home.

{{{hugs}}}

Jenny

Jenny,

Thank you! I feel pretty good about being here so far, but the day is still young, lol, and there is still plenty of time to get paranoid about revealing myself. After dedicating so much of my thoughts/concern over the years to hiding my true self from the ravages of humankind, it is difficult to believe I am not setting myself up for a serious fall by opening up here. Even as I type this, the internal voice that has 'protected' me for so very long is screaming and ranting about the irresponsibility of taking such a huge risk as this. Someday, I hope to say goodbye to my internal guardian, but that will likely be a very long time in future. We'll see!

But regardless of how far I may yet have to travel, I am at least at peace with myself in the 'here and now'. I am what I am, and no amount of consternation has made me normal yet. So, for now, I am moving forward as much as I can under my present circumstances. By accepting myself I have finally opened the way to my destiny, and I have little desire to turn back. Being stuck between two polar opposite realities is really quite uncomfortable, though, so I must press forward!

Thanks for taking the time to reassure and welcome me.

Love to you! Svenna

(P.S. I did read the T&C and I'll do my best to follow all the rules! S)

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Guest Donna Jean

.

Hello, Svenna

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean

Come on over here and have a seat with me and we'll share some cookies and a cup of hot coco...

Now, I'd like to ask you to be sure to have a look at the forum rules...there's a link at the bottom right of most pages...It says “Terms & Conditions..

And, we moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone..

It's nice to have you!

Huggs

Dee Jay

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Guest Svenna

.

Hello, Svenna

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean

Come on over here and have a seat with me and we'll share some cookies and a cup of hot coco...

Now, I'd like to ask you to be sure to have a look at the forum rules...there's a link at the bottom right of most pages...It says “Terms & Conditions..

And, we moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone..

It's nice to have you!

Huggs

Dee Jay

Donna Jean,

I think I am gonna like it here. Thank you for your warm welcome!

I'll do my best to play by the rules, in spite of my predisposition against being 'ruled', lol!

Thank you! Svenna

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Guest Lacey Lynne

Svenna:

Greetings and salutations, you jubilant and joyous one!

Certianly, you have come to the RIGHT place here at Laura's Playground. The day you happened upon this website and found us is your proverbial Red-Letter Day! Rejoice, for you have found "your crew."

Incidentally, your erudite elocution is simply splendid! Kudos to you, girl! Have you ever thought about writing professionally? You've "got the goods" to do so should you ever want to. You are so blessed in so very many ways.

Brace yourself for the Ride of a Lifetime! By the tone and tenor of your tome, transitioning is a MUST for you which, we are certain, you will undertake posthaste and anon. Allegorically, yes, transitioning can, indeed, be likened to "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" at Disney World. You bet! It's a wild and wooly ride, but it's AN AMAZING RIDE!

Frankly, I'm rather well into said ride myself, and it's been a bodacious one rife and replete with VERY low lows yet VERY high highs! Personally, and I'm certain the others who are transitioning here will readily agree with this, transitioning successfully is all about "catch a vision" of the person you are to become ... WANT to become ... and holding fast to that vision.

THIS is what will see you through the rough spots.

Welcome, new friend of ours! May the fulfillment you seek find you! Sally forth into womanhood!

Peace & Godspeed :thumbsup: Lacey Lynne

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Hello Svenna and welcome to Laura's. What a wonderful name.

Accepting yourself without guilt is one of the first big steps. It comes to some of us early in life and it is sometimes a long internal battle for others. The the most important thing is to accept and be at peace with who we are.

Yes this can be a difficult journey. Sometimes harder for some than others. But the journey is worth it to finally be able to be the person who you really are.

Looking forward to having you as a member and having you share what you can with us.

Mia

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Guest Svenna

Hello Svenna and welcome to Laura's. What a wonderful name.

Thank you, Mia. I'm glad you like my name, it wasn't easy finding it. I resisted at every step!

Accepting yourself without guilt is one of the first big steps. It comes to some of us early in life and it is sometimes a long internal battle for others. The the most important thing is to accept and be at peace with who we are.

Guilt is easier to get over than shame. I have had plenty more experience actually being 'guilty' so putting that aside is relatively easy for me. Shame, on the other hand, is rarely a just experience and it carries the sting of victimhood along with it. I am no longer ashamed of who I am, but I am not yet secure enough to not be vulnerable to being 'shamed' by those that I love. I am working on it, though. Wish me luck!

Yes this can be a difficult journey. Sometimes harder for some than others. But the journey is worth it to finally be able to be the person who you really are.

Looking forward to having you as a member and having you share what you can with us.

Thank you, Mia. I will do my best to bring what I can to the table. It does take a village!

Mia

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Guest Svenna

Lacey,

Lest you think I have overlooked your most wonderful welcome, let me assure you I have not. I wrote out a long, detailed response but I may have accidentally lost the text before it was actually submitted to the moderators. If my reply doesn't reappear I will revisit your words and rewrite my comments. Thanks!

Love to you especially, Svenna

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Hello Svenna,

Welcome to the playground and more importantly to the journey.

You are right it is not an easy journey and not one without pitfalls, pain and difficulties but the rewards are incredible as you have already sampled with the first step along this amazing path - self acceptance.

But do not fear the dark anymore, those of us further along are here to help light the way and others just beginning their journeys will stand beside you so you will not fall when the path is steep and slippery - you are part of a very large and loving family and we do not want to see anyone alone or sad.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Svenna

Hello Svenna,

Welcome to the playground and more importantly to the journey.

You are right it is not an easy journey and not one without pitfalls, pain and difficulties but the rewards are incredible as you have already sampled with the first step along this amazing path - self acceptance.

But do not fear the dark anymore, those of us further along are here to help light the way and others just beginning their journeys will stand beside you so you will not fall when the path is steep and slippery - you are part of a very large and loving family and we do not want to see anyone alone or sad.

Love ya,

Sally

Thank you, Sally!

I have had enough sadness and solitude for one lifetime. Slippery and steep it may be, but upward on this path I must climb. Thank you for caring...Svenna

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Guest Julie T

I now know myself to be truly female inside, and this is not a crime. This is not a delusion, psychosis, mental illness or worse. This is just ME...

Sweena

There is the essence ^^^^up^^^^. Our journey is not an easy one, so hang on to this. Welcome to Laura's Playground, and I hope you post and let us know all about you.

Julie

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Guest Svenna

Svenna:

Greetings and salutations, you jubilant and joyous one!

Thank you, Lacey, for accenting the positive in my posts. It pleases me that you can see my positivity in a less-than-ideal situation.

Certianly, you have come to the RIGHT place here at Laura's Playground. The day you happened upon this website and found us is your proverbial Red-Letter Day! Rejoice, for you have found "your crew."

I believe you may be right. I do feel welcome here!

Incidentally, your erudite elocution is simply splendid!

Thank you for noticing. I surely do appreciate your appreciation...

Kudos to you, girl!

Did you just call me 'girl'? WOW!!

This is the very first time ANYBODY has referenced me as being female without intending to injure me with their words. The first time I read your comment tears began streaming from my eyes. I must admit, I am crying once again as I type this. I never even dare indulge myself with feminine pronouns in my internal dialogue, lest I accidentally betray myself to others through an inadvertent, though inevitable, slip of the tongue.

Thank you for this very sweet surprise. I have perhaps underestimated the power of the pronoun in my psyche. You have awakened something profound inside of me.

Have you ever thought about writing professionally?

Yep! You will have to forgive me if I remain somewhat vague on the matter, though. My internal guardian is fuming with me for putting myself at risk of being 'outed' prematurely, so I we will have to revisit this topic further down the road.

Suffice it to say for the moment, though, that it is my intention to eventually shout my truth from the housetops as best as I am able, when the time is both right and appropriate. I will do what I can, for those that come after me, when it is safe to do so. For now, I must tend to my own very real needs. But I will not be silent forever!

You've "got the goods" to do so should you ever want to.

Again, thank you for noticing...

You are so blessed in so very many ways.

Brace yourself for the Ride of a Lifetime! By the tone and tenor of your tome, transitioning is a MUST for you which, we are certain, you will undertake posthaste and anon. Allegorically, yes, transitioning can, indeed, be likened to "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" at Disney World. You bet! It's a wild and wooly ride, but it's AN AMAZING RIDE!

Frankly, I'm rather well into said ride myself, and it's been a bodacious one rife and replete with VERY low lows yet VERY high highs! Personally, and I'm certain the others who are transitioning here will readily agree with this, transitioning successfully is all about "catch a vision" of the person you are to become ... WANT to become ... and holding fast to that vision.

THIS is what will see you through the rough spots.

Welcome, new friend of ours! May the fulfillment you seek find you! Sally forth into womanhood!

Peace & Godspeed :thumbsup: Lacey Lynne

Lacey,

I have never doubted the 'specialness' of my unique existence, but I have often debated whether or not it was worth the price paid to possess such gifts. My reality is a salty, two-edged sword and it cuts very deep upon both entry and exit.

But enough griping and self-pity from me, I have no use for much of what I have felt in the past and the sooner I can leave it behind, the better.

I'll be all right, eventually. For now, I feel fortunate to even be able to utter such things to others like myself. Truly, I do.

Thank you for such a wondrous welcome, Lacey Lynne. I believe we could be friends in 'real life', I really do.

Love, kindness and every blessing to you. Svenna

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Guest miss kindheart

Hi Svenna,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

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Guest Svenna

Hi Svenna,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

Thank you for the huggs and the warm invitation, Vanna!

I'll make it into the chat room sooner or later, I promise.

Love, Svenna

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Guest Svenna

It is hard to believe that it has only been 5 days since I made this first post...

My life has been turning, end over end, ever since...

Not so much jubilation as trepidation at the moment, I'm afraid!

Still, no regrets...Svenna

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Guest Donna Jean

.

It is hard to believe that it has only been 5 days since I made this first post...

My life has been turning, end over end, ever since...

Not so much jubilation as trepidation at the moment, I'm afraid!

Still, no regrets...Svenna

That is what tends to happen to us when this hits!

It's not eaysw....hang on!

Huggs

Dee Jay

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  • 8 months later...

Almost 9 months ago I was new here...

And a fine group of folks stepped up and made me feel VERY welcome...

In that time I started gender therapy, came out to my spouse and family, started HRT, went to my first support meeting, came out to some childhood friends and exes, began preparing for my full transition with my spouse, Roxy, still by my side...

After digging this old post up and re-reading the advice and responses I received, I am again smitten by tears I cannot control...

Thank you to everybody that took the time to say 'hello' and offer support, you all really made my day, waaayyy back then..

BUT, above all, Lacey Lynne greeted and befriended me like a long-lost sister, encouraging me both publicly and in PMs. Even more importantly, she greeted me as a kindred SPIRIT...

She even called me 'girl', changing the way I saw myself forever, right then and there..

Thank you, Lacey Lynne, you made a HUGE difference in my life.

And you continue to be very important to me, even in my absences from LP...

Thank YOU, girl!!!!

:) :) :)

Love and Appreciation for all of ya! Svenna

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