I'm Trying To Decide If I'm Really Ftm

[Guest emeweme]

So, I think i'm FTM. I want to be a guy, and I think that I would be happier without my female parts. However, I keep convincing myself that I can't be.

I've read a lot of stories of people who think they are, and they tend to say that at a certain point, they noticed the difference between sexes and wanted to be the other one. I never had that moment, and I can't say that I remember wanting specifically to be a boy when I was younger. I have a brother who is two years younger than me, so I was introduced to the genital aspects of gender very young. As a child I always had more boy friends than girl friends, and if given the choice, I would much prefer playing with them than with a girl friend. When I was 7, my brother had a birthday party that was police themed, and my parents got a squad car to come out and everything, and they sent me to the movies with a girl friend. It really made me sad. I was also dying to be a boyscout when I was little. I did girl scouts, hated it, felt like I didn't fit in, and found it really stupid. I wanted to go on campouts and use knives and guns and play with fire and enter the pinewood derby. I apparently was pretty vocal about this, because my brother just recently brought it up. However, I approached it from the standpoint of, "they should let girls join," than "I'm a boy." However, I'm not a feminist (i've actually always been anti-feminist, which sounds pretty bad, but it's true) and I don't really push for all girls, I just want to be allowed to do those things. It was really a "they should let me, who happens to be a girl, join," viewpoint. I also wanted to be a baseball player, but that wasn't something I was very vocal about because I played softball. However, I always felt like someone should invite me to come practice with them. I wanted to play handball at recess, or if I had to play a make-believe game, it was one with a decent amount of boys. I went through sex ed just fine, got excited about it like everyone else, and then it lost its joy about the time I got my first period. I wanted to get a hysterectomy (i think that's the right one) so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I never know when the next one is going to happen, I go off of the measurement that if I have forgotten completely about my previous period, there is probably one coming up. Back to activities, I used to shoot bb guns and watch wrestling and explore the 'bushes' behind our house with my brother and neighbor. I was always the one who was not disturbed at all by dirt or bugs or anything, unless there was a spider on me. Now I have more girl friends, but I always feel kind of distant when I'm talking to them, like I'm coming from a different point of view, or some sort of different place. I don't feel like I fit in well with them when we're talking. I get along a lot better with guys, and they're a lot more fun, but it's a lot easier to make friends with girls when you look like a girl than it is to make friends with guys. Still, I have a brother, so I get to go paintballing and shooting with him. I don't really have any problem with pronouns, although I hate being called Miss, but who wouldn't? Actually, when I was young, I was kind of paranoid that people would think I was a boy, because I knew that I was supposed to act like a girl. It was a stupid fear, because I had long hair and my mom dressed me in pastels, but I think maybe I felt like one deep down, and I was afraid of other people thinking so.

So anyways, I was fine with being a girl as a kid, because it didn't make any difference, but as I got older I got less comfortable with it. I've always had trouble with social cues (according to a therapist) and I guess you could say i almost have aspergers, so when I was in the first year if high school the therapist decided to try and raise my self esteem, and I basically learned how to be a girl. It made me happy for a while, but mainly it made me uncomfortable. Now, i'll get into a huge fight with my mom if she insists that I need to wear a girlier top (I like wearing my athletic ones, which are unisex), and the same with insisting that I wear makeup. I don't shave at all, but since I have blonde hair, she can't complain about that. I can't stand the things associated with being a girl or being girly, but I don't know if that's just me being strange or if I can really be ftm seeing as I don't have those earlier signs of it that people mention. I'm mostly afraid that I'll find out that I'm not ftm (happened to someone I talked to online, where they went to some psychologist who told them they weren't) and I won't know where to go from there, so I want to be sure before I do anything. Once i'm 18 i'll probably go to a gender therapist without my parents knowing, so I can know for sure, but right now I'm just worried that I can't be for reasons like I mentioned.

[MaryEllen]

Hello emeweme,

Welcome to Laura's Playground forums. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You do seem to have a lot of confusion as to where you fit in. Seeing a gender therapist is a good idea. A qualified gender therapist could definately help you find answers to questions as to what you are. Good luck.

MaryEllen

[Guest Sergei]

You do seem in a very difficult and confusing place in your mind at the moment. I went through a similar experience, but I think that was down to the fact that I was very femimine as a child, and am as well now, and it took me a long time to work out that I could be that and male. It takes a long time, and really maturing to realise what you have to do. When I was 18 I was going to transition and then back out at the last minute, worrying if FtM was really who I was. It took me until I was finally 21 to work it all out in my head. It may sound patronising, but age and experience really make a difference. I truely think that one day all of the answers will just hit you, and you'll realise what you need to do. The most important thing in life is to be happy. Try and relax and not worry to much at the moment about what the future holds. You'll get there. x

[Guest raydub]

emeweme,

confusion happens.. dont let it get the best of you. thank you for sharing your story with us. it sounds very similar to my own. like Sergei said, its ok to not have everything figured out right now. take your time and enjoy the journey. you will figure it out in time and by then youll be ready for whatever path youll be embarking on. its great that youll be looking for a gender therapist when you can - its an invaluable experience to be able to talk to a professional about these things. keep posting and read, read, read.. it may provide you with some insight.

take care. we're here to support you.

Raymond

[Guest sphere]

Ah man. My story is pretty much exactly like yours.

I definitely have felt something... wrong with myself when I was little, though, I just couldn't put my finger on it. For my entire life when I was a "girl" I felt extremely depressed, socially phobic, and even suicidal. But guess what? Now that I can actually pass over half of the time, and I try to be myself as much as possible, and confessing my TS-ness to trustworthy people, the extreme and intense social phobic feelings I had before almost disappeared.

It's really weird, but a relief.

And I know what you mean by feeling a bit off with the social cues, I have asperger's myself.

Thanks. I was feeling really confused about myself just now... It's nice to hear someone's story that's just like yours and then some T-guys go like 'oh yeah, I went through that definitely!' and you feel all reassured.

I think we'll always be confused until we actually start living the majority or all of our time as a guy, or even take testosterone, and see a gender therapist... Just begin transition, you know? And then we can decide what we're comfortable with.

Peace.