No idea what to do

[Guest kizmin88]

Hi, I'm new here and quite confused about what I am.. well, I'm pretty sure but I'm not if that makes any sense..

I'm 22 and have always had a nagging feeling that I wasn't the female my body represents. Even when I was a small child, I'd be jealous of my brother and the way people treated him. Being given girls' toys and pink clothes offended me but I swallowed my pride for the sake of being polite. I played with dolls, yes, but not in the way little girls 'should'. As a teenager, I wore baggy clothing to hide my figure, suffered eating disorder and depression and had no confidence.

Recently, I have been convinced I'm male inside but can't talk to anyone about it. When I look in the mirror I hate seeing a woman look back at me. I can't face eating much because I know my hips and already large chest will increase in size yet I hate the feeling of being small and skinny. I've always been attracted to men but as my realisation that I should be one myself has increased (in the last couple of years), I've started to realise I was wrong about that too.

The biggest problem is, I can't face admitting any of this to my Mum (who I live with and am very close to). I'm mainly concerned with how upset she will be that I want to change my body. I've put her through so much in the last few years with me being depressed and having drink problems that badly affected family, friends and even neighbours.

If anyone can shed light as to what is going on in my mind- or just even identify with something, I'd be really grateful. Thanks for reading my post!

[Guest chngnwnd]

Kizman,

Many of us epxerience these feelings. I used to think I was crazy until I was able to accept myself for who I am. I would suggest finding a way to see a gender therapist. I think you will find it helpful in sorting out who you are and what is the right course of action. Honestly, the depression and drinking that you describe are behaviors commonly associated with dysphoric individuals - which could make seeing a gender therapist even more critical for you. I am not a professional, so I can in no way offer a diagnosis - I can just tell you what it appears to be. Talk to someone please. Also, look at the introductions forum, you will find many similar stories - you are definitely not alone in how you feel.

hugs

Bobbi

[Guest kizmin88]

Thanks Bobbi! Reading your message makes me feel determined to get the ball rolling with all this. I know it sounds weird but I've always kept this to myself and talking to people makes the posibility of a solution seem.. well, more real. Now I've looked around the site a bit more too it's all given me motivation to do something about it

[Guest olli23]

hey there. i was surprised to read this because it's almost exactly the same for me. i just turned twenty and i have had many problems from as early as i can remember, but it was only within the past year that i was able to admit to myself what was really going on and that it's not a "problem" at all, just one more thing that makes me me. i was a very quiet obedient child until about 13 (...puberty...ugh) since then i've struggled with eating disorders, self harm, severe deppression and anxiety, and - of course - strained relationships with everyone i know. because of hospitalizations (both for physical and psychiatric reasons) i missed about half of highschool and quite effectively distracted everyone (myself most of all) from the real issues. i guess it never occured to anyone that it was weird that from 13 to 18 this girl never spoke about sex or sexuality. i touched on it sometimes with therapists and even my parents about not being in the right body but it was usually dismissed (or labeled as part of my eating/body issues)

once i realized an accepted the truth it was a huge weight off my shoulders (granted, that was only the beginning, but it's better than living miserably in denial). it's been almost a year since i admitted it to myself and so far i have only worked up the courage to tell my sister, not only because she is the person closest to me, but because she came out in junior high about being attracted to girls. (my parents are a couple of the most open minded people i know, but trans stuff is so out of their realm of understanding it would probably go in one ear and out the other)

one time i touched on the topic with my mom a few years ago. i told her simply that "i think i'm a gay man trapped in a girls body" she just laughed and said "oh yeah, i'm sure" and i later heard her repeating what i said with others as if it had been a joke. that caused me to doubt it and i buried it down deep. i know i still have a long way to go, but just acknowledging how you feel and who you are is a big step. what you do next is not going to be easy but try to remember that at the end of the day the most important thing is that you are happy --and healthy hopefully -- and that no matter what they say that's what your parents and even your friends and neighbors want for you. the only person who will be with you and who will really know what's best for you is ultimately yourself, so don't make decisions on how to live based on others. as long as your happy with your life and who you are, that's really the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you. (even if that's not the message they project)

stay strong and fight for happinness. this is the only life you get, so don't spend it worrying or living for others! i'll keep fighting too, so keep me posted!