Facing the crossroads

[Guest apostate79]

Since I was at least 10 or 11 I can remember harbouring these fantasies of becoming a woman. It's been very confusing because I have also always been attracted to women. I was never really effeminate as a child, although I have always had this sense that I was different. I have never cross-dressed in my life, but I guess the closest thing was one time trying on nail polish with a girl I liked. I had a sexually repressive upbringing (Mormon) that did not help in my confusion over my sexuality or identity, and by the time I was 17 I learned how to self gratification basically by accident.

By my early 20's I discovered erotic transgender fiction on the internet, and reading these stories struck a chord within me, because of their similarity to almost all the sexual fantasies that had been rushing through my head since childhood. Whenever I look at lesbian porn or pictures of two girls kissing, I would automatically identify with one of the girls or imagine myself as one of them. It's just something that has always felt natural for me. The very idea of being aroused about myself as a male or in a male role is almost completely foreign to me, and every girl that I've been with I have gotten off by secretly imagining the two of us a lesbian couple. I don't hate my genitals or my own sexuality, although I do feel that my sexuality has a very feminine way of expression.

Up until about two years ago I was able to maintain a strict wall between fantasy and reality, but around this time I had a dream in which I actually went through with transition, and I remember the feelings of peace and contentment I felt in that dream. By the time of June this year these longings to be female became so intense that I booked my first appointment with a local sex therapist who also works with other trans clients. She has been extremely helpful and is encouraging me to explore these feminine aspects of myself. Sometimes I will look at photos of very attractive older women in their 40's and 50's and hear a voice inside of me saying "that could be you someday" and get this feeling of intense longing. I have been watching videos on youtube made by younger trans women, most who have already transitioned by their early 20's, and it's almost heartbreaking to see how beautiful some of these girls are. I am 32 but still look young for my age, and I know that if I ever were to decide to go down the path of transitioning, now would basically be my last chance if I ever hope to "pass". And that is only if I were to know for sure that I am trans.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Up until about two years ago I was able to maintain a strict wall between fantasy and reality, but around this time I had a dream in which I actually went through with transition, and I remember the feelings of peace and contentment I felt in that dream. By the time of June this year these longings to be female became so intense that I booked my first appointment with a local sex therapist who also works with other trans clients. She has been extremely helpful and is encouraging me to explore these feminine aspects of myself. Sometimes I will look at photos of very attractive older women in their 40's and 50's and hear a voice inside of me saying "that could be you someday" and get this feeling of intense longing. I have been watching videos on youtube made by younger trans women, most who have already transitioned by their early 20's, and it's almost heartbreaking to see how beautiful some of these girls are. I am 32 but still look young for my age, and I know that if I ever were to decide to go down the path of transitioning, now would basically be my last chance if I ever hope to "pass". And that is only if I were to know for sure that I am trans.

Hello, apostate ( I get the name....)

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean

Honey, I understand your feelings....but, please don't consider age 32 to be your "last chance" to transition and still look reasonable...

I started transition at age 58 and I live full time as a woman now (I'm 61)....I'm never mis-gendered...

And you are 1/2 my age.....

Keep up with the therapist and if you are, in fact, Transsexual....you have plenty of time for a very successful transition!

It's nice to have you!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest apostate79]

I meant no disrespect, but I was referring to what was my understanding that the effectiveness of HRT diminishes with age (the older one starts, the less effective the hormones), and of course there are always lucky exceptions. Please accept my apologies.