I think I passed? Or am I just kidding myself.

[Guest Leila]

Yesterday was a big leap for me. Up until this point I've been venturing out fully dressed only to therapy and support groups. I've been meaning to venture out into the public but never could summon the courage.

But yesterday felt different... It started when I consciously told myself I had to go gas up my car while in girl mode. I had purposefully let my tank run almost empty so I'd have no excuses. On the way to therapy, I stopped by a local gas station hoping to get the public exposure I was craving. To my dismay, there was no one there. I thought, "Gee, this is rather anti climactic..." as I filled up my car. Of course, as soon as I thought that, a man pulled up beside me and I freaked out. I just looked the other way and he paid me no attention.

Back in the security of my car, I reflected and thought, wow that wasn't so hard! So I started thinking about where I would take my public outing next time. Baby steps would be key.

I arrived at my therapist's office early. I was typing away on my iPad, waiting in lounge area for my appointment, when a woman stopped and made a comment, "That's really nice!"

My heart nearly stopped. I've basically ignored most passers by to avoid detection but here there was this woman talking to me. I've never engaged anyone before! So I mustered up my best female voice and answered.

She stooped down and got really close while I showed her my tablet. She asked a few questions before leaving. I bid her farewell and then realized, OMG I think I just passed while talking to a real live person! I told my therapist about my experience and she made a comment saying that I looked convincing and that people would need to be looking to know. It felt good to hear that.

My confidence got a real boost from this experience, so after therapy, I headed over to a local Rite Aid, still fully dressed and went to browse for cosmetics. I needed mascara. It was kinda busy and there were lots of people around. I got a few looks here and there (or is it just my own paranoia?) but no one said anything. While in the parking lot I could swear that there was this man that was staring at me, so I quickly circled around and put a car between us before entering the store.

Inside, I was terrified when I came across these young tween girls. I figured out of all the people I came across, these girls would not only clock me, but make some ruckus about it. To my relief, they just skipped on by. It felt great! Anyway, I made it unscathed all the way to the cash register where I ended up waiting in line. I got a bit self conscious just standing there--I find it to be so much easier when there's an objective I can focus on, like when I'm immersed in shopping... but here, I was just standing in line and there were people in front and behind me. I started getting conscious of how large my hands are, or whether people could see my adam's apple, so I tightened my scarf a little and pretended to check my phone. I could see in the corner of my eye, the woman behind me scooted a little to my side. Could she be trying to get a better look? Or was she just making room for the growing line?

After what seemed to be an eternity, I made it to the cash register and paid for my mascara. The clerk asked if I had a rewards card and I mustered a "no thank you" in my fem voice. I was quite relieved when she didn't call me sir.

When I got home, my neighbor was out washing the car. Usually this will cause and endless amount of anxiety but I just got out of my car, confidently and walked into my house. She didn't take notice. Whew, what a day! When I got inside, I snapped a few pics for archival sake. I've attached my favorite here. So what do you think?

So is this what it's like to pass?

Hugs,

Leila

[JJ]

Leila it sounds like you are being accepted as your presented gender to me. I know that not being self conscious is almost impossible but that is what will cause people to look or take a second look-not your appearance but your demeanor.

The steps you took to be safe when you felt uneasy are also good. The importance of that can't be overstated.

It sounds like you did great and from the pic I can see why if you demeanor matches your appearance. Love that smile!

Keep it up and before long you'll be having a ball going everywhere as your true self.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Sounds like a "Pass" to me!

Huggs

Dee Jay

[~Nova~]

You're a very pretty woman and will have no problem passing. <----another word I am starting to dislike.

Congrats... I remember my first gas station appearance. Anti climatic also. :-)

Love you all

Autumn

[Guest kimberly c]

Hi Leila, I think you are very pretty, in my eyes you pass 100%.

Love Kim

[Guest Julie1957]

Wow! Great day. Congratulations and thank you for sharing it.

Julie

[Guest John Chiv]

Leila,

You were seen for your true self and great post.

John

[Guest miss kindheart]

You are beautiful

The most important thing is what you think of yourself

You said " I think i passed "

There for you surly did

<<<< hug >>>>

vanna

[Paula ult]

Sounds to me like you passed, the looks you may have gotten could have been because you were looking around to see if anyone was looking at you, thus making you look suspicious in their eyes, they may have even been wondering why you were looking at them.

Paula

[Guest Aly Kat]

relax gorgeous =P you're lovely and 100% female in that pic

Congrats!!

Aly Kat <3

[Guest Leila]

Thank you everyone for all the kind words. I'm so touched by all of your responses and I'm feeling much better about myself in the last 2 days than I have in weeks. Thank you!

I guess it really does go to show that you basically present how you feel. All those stories about people passing better when they finally overcome their anxieties toward passing are so true.

I'll be going out again tomorrow. This time I'll be shopping for a makeup mirror!

Hugs,

Leila

[Guest Mia J]

Well done Leila,

The first couple of times are tense but once we get past the "deer in the headlights" stage it will get a lot easier.

Your photo is fantastic you look great!

Have fun tomorrow but be careful once the shopping takes hold there is not stopping.

Mia

[VickySGV]

The picture shows a young woman!! What was the rest of the question?

[Guest Svenna]

You look marvelous! Very feminine and pretty, too..

You not only pass, but you get an "A" for effort in my book...

Someday, I hope to be as brave as you are being at this stage in the journey!

Stories like yours empower the rest of us. Thank you for sharing your well-articulated insights...

Love to you in unbounded abundance, girl!

Svenna

[Guest ericah86]

You are very beautiful and courageous! Thanks for sharing your story, I have a feeling mine will run in parallels. It helps to get a first hand and detailed account like this, so I really do appreciate the experience that you have shared here.

Ericah

[Guest Cindydallas]

Hi, yes I think you can pass

[Guest Leila]

Thanks everyone for your support. It means the world to me.

So on Friday, I shaved my lefts and armpits for the first time, in preparation to go out. It took nearly an hour and half as I'm somewhat of a Sasquatch in my family. I'm so jealous because most of my male relatives have naturally hairless legs

Anyway, I went out again and for the first time, I got to wear a skirt without tights/leggings with my freshly shaven legs! So smooth! The feeling is out of this world! This time, I went to a local ULTA to get a makeup mirror.

The experience was rather amazing, I went into the store casually, walked right by a security guard who paid me no attention and started browsing the store among other women and a few guys. I was actually quite surprised at the number of guys wandering around in a cosmetic/beauty store. After searching a bit for the vanity mirrors I casually decided to ask a sales associate where I could find them. When I approached the salesgirl asking for directions she turned to face me and didn't even flinch. She just smiled and led me to the mirror section. It felt fantastic.

After picking out my mirror, I browsed the store for another 15 minutes or so, I was just having too good a time being myself. When I finally got in line though, I had a bit of a panic. There were two clerks working the cash registers. One was the friendly sales girl that helped me earlier and the other was a man whom I've yet to interact with. I still feel a bit hesitant when dealing with men en femme for some reason. Perhaps I feel that I may bring on a more hostile reaction?

So I was standing in line, secretly wishing that I would get the sales girl when the male clerk said, "Next customer," and waved me over. I instinctively reacted by tipping my head (you know the common male gesture where you raise your chin a bit to acknowledge another guy). OMG talk about a dead giveaway! I need to work on unlearning some of these cues!

So I went to pay for my items and the clerk was trying not to make an awkward expression. Eventually he started smiling and I think he was trying to suppress a laugh. He was trained to be friendly, but I could tell it was a bit awkward for him. I just smiled back and tried to be as friendly as possible. By the time we were done, he seemed to have opened up somewhat.

All in all, I think it was a successful trip! If anything, I gave the sales people something to chat about I can't wait to go out again.

Thanks for reading. Hugs,

Leila

[JJ]

Attitude is the key and you seem to have it in abundance. Except for that one brief slip with the nod sounds like you nailed the whole experience. And by staying calm and friendly even turned that last experience with the cashier around.

Congratz! It just gets better and better.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Leila]

Hi everyone!

So here's my most recent update. I just went out again--this time shopping with a friend. I was on a mission to find a pair of skinny jeans. All in all, people didn't seem to pay me much attention, I think in part, I've sorta stopped caring what they think and was just out to have a good time. Anyway, I found a really cute pair of jeans that fit really well and went to the cash register to pay for it.

The clerk looked at me and asked me if I was paying credit or debit. When I said credit, he asked to see my ID! So I'm thinking to myself, no big deal, this guy has clearly clocked me as a man. So I handed him my driver's license with my male photo.

He did a serious double take then said to me, "Um, excuse me. This is not you in this picture."

"Look closer, it's really me," I responded.

For a second there, I mentally prepared myself to respond in my deep male voice when he quickly exclaimed, "Oh! Sorry, I guess I haven't really woken up today. Sorry about that!"

The expression on his face was priceless! I don't think he totally thought I was a girl until he saw my license. Afterward, my friend and I couldn't stop laughing.

We got some lunch at a nearby restaurant and our waiter was super nice. No idea if he thought I passed or not, but he treated us like ladies and all was good. Outside of a couple of teenagers, I got no bad vibes all day. All in all, a grand success. I'm beginning to think I can do this!

Hugs,

Leila

[Guest John Chiv]

Thanks for the update Leila.

John

[Guest Mia J]

Great update.

It just keeps getting better and remember it is about you and how you feel not anyone else.

Sounds like you did fine.

Mia

[Guest _Guest_]

Hi everyone!

So here's my most recent update. I just went out again--this time shopping with a friend. I was on a mission to find a pair of skinny jeans. All in all, people didn't seem to pay me much attention, I think in part, I've sorta stopped caring what they think and was just out to have a good time. Anyway, I found a really cute pair of jeans that fit really well and went to the cash register to pay for it.

The clerk looked at me and asked me if I was paying credit or debit. When I said credit, he asked to see my ID! So I'm thinking to myself, no big deal, this guy has clearly clocked me as a man. So I handed him my driver's license with my male photo.

He did a serious double take then said to me, "Um, excuse me. This is not you in this picture."

"Look closer, it's really me," I responded.

For a second there, I mentally prepared myself to respond in my deep male voice when he quickly exclaimed, "Oh! Sorry, I guess I haven't really woken up today. Sorry about that!"

The expression on his face was priceless! I don't think he totally thought I was a girl until he saw my license. Afterward, my friend and I couldn't stop laughing.

We got some lunch at a nearby restaurant and our waiter was super nice. No idea if he thought I passed or not, but he treated us like ladies and all was good. Outside of a couple of teenagers, I got no bad vibes all day. All in all, a grand success. I'm beginning to think I can do this!

Hugs,

Leila

Congratz! Looks like you've made it. Keep doing what you're doing and keep us updated.

[Guest Merc]

Hey Leila,

I really enjoy reading these updates, keep them coming please! All these events sound really exciting, I hope I'll have as much fun experiencing them someday.

I seem to remember reading something about how women will often raise their pitch when talking to men they've never met. The study claimed females will do this in order to avoid conflict. Excerpt: "Although men prefer high voice pitch to low voice pitch in women..." (COLLINS and MISSING 2003; FEINBERG et al. 2008) Perhaps this was why you were so hesitant about that male cashier! I don't know why you thought he didn't consider you passing until he saw your ID- all I see is female from that picture you provided!

~Emily

[Guest Joni Hayes]

Hi Leila, you look absolutely gorgeousness, in that photo, any more updates ?

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Leila ... I think you are living your life as a woman!! ( and as a cute woman with fashion sense!!)