Awful, Awful, Awful Work Situation

[Guest Cal]

A little background: I'm 17, pre T, pre op, always do and always have passed 100%. Well 98% when I'm wearing my work uniform, and that's because people don't pay attention. When they actually look at me they always say "oh, sorry sir."

So basically, I got a new job four months ago. I love it. I've never thought about leaving. There's definitely options for me to grow there, it's fun, it's easy, it's what I like doing.

I'm not out at work. I changed my name legally before I got the job, so I have a totally male first and middle name; there's absolutely no room for confusion when your name is James. Like none.

So anyway, it never even occured to anyone at work that I might be, well you know...lying about my gender. There's one guy who knows, because I new him before. I talked to him and he's GREAT about it. He always calls me male pronouns, and always calls me my new name. So everyone at work just thinks I'm a guy. A little guy, but just a guy.

Everything was going really great. Then in mid July my general manager called me into the office and said he had something "delicate" to discuss with me. He said Social Security said that the gender they have on file doesn't match the one that my work has on file. I thought I could think of a way out of it, so I played dumb. I acted like I didn't have any idea why that might happen, and even showed him my driver's lisence with a little M on it (the DMV is easier to push around than Social Security, it turns out). He told me to bring in my birth certificate and he'd fax it to social security and it would get cleared up. This is on his assumption that my birth certificate says male. Not that it has my old name, my godawful female name, and the godawful F.

Anyway, I kept telling him I couldn't find my birth certificate, I couldn't find my passport, blah blah, hoping somehow it would get forgotten. Yeah...right...

I talked to one of my mom's friends who works with Social Security, I talked to a doctor, and my shrink...they all told me basically the same thing. In order to legally change your gender, you have to have surgery. That is some BS. I don't have that kind of money.

So basically I've just been freaking out for over a month about it.

Then last Friday he said if I didn't bring it in a week, corporate is going to make him remove me from the schedule until I can prove my gender, apparently.

So now, I get to write my clueless general manager an email (I'd do it in person but he's out of town til Saturday) telling him I've been lying to him for four months, I actually have a vagina, and to please not tell anyone else who works there. I think he's religious. Hopefully his brother is trans or something and he'll totally understand. Worst case scenario I get fired. YIKES. Actually worst case scenario, he tells everyone, and I quit out of humiliation. That would be terrible. I know everyone would "accept me"...but I don't think I can go through that.

Wow sorry for the rambling

[Guest Keane]

Thats awful dude :[ so wait, in order to legally change your gender completely you have to get top surgery? or go the whole way & do bottom surgery too? cuz that totally wouldn't be fair! Anyway i hope everything turns out okay :]

[Guest Snow Angel]

You're in Oregon. Transgendered people are protected under ENDA here. Just write him a nice letter, and hopefully he'll understand. If he doesn't, he can't fire you or you can sue for discrimination. I'm pretty sure you can also press charges if he goes around telling all of the other workers in a malicious way. (He might make you write a sensitive 'dear co-workers' coming out letter though, which is the professional, mature way to handle things.)

Good luck and don't panic or do anything rash. The law is on your side!

[Guest Huff]

Yuck... sounds like a really uncomfortable situation. So far, what I've found to work for me is to be up front with HR folks during the hiring process and they're usually like "great, how can we make you feel most comfortable". Maybe that's a benefit to living in Washington state or maybe I've just been lucky or maybe the HR girls think I'm cute... who knows? In any case, if you haven't had surgery to change your SSN, your employer is going to find out, so you telling them before they find out is probably better.

Hope it works out OK for you.

MK

[Guest Evan_J]

Wow, and I thought my day was bad...well ok, it was, but geez...... I feel for you dude. Short of makin fast friends with a forger (and I would NOT do that since the govt is involved) I couldn't guess how to get out of it. Whatever happens tho, you got your friends here to bring it to. Really good luck.

[Guest Seth]

Cal, I'm sorry man.

I'm kinda thinking the same thing is gonna happen to me when I finally start my job.

[Guest Sergei]

I understand that the situation you are in feels bad, but I think you just have to try and look at things differently. It's the 21st century, and everybody has equal rights no matter what there gender, race, religion... ect you get the point. Your boss is not allowed to fire you even if he finds out you are transgender.

So anyway, it never even occured to anyone at work that I might be, well you know...lying about my gender.

You havn't lied about your gender, you are male. Gender is a socially constructed idea. Your sex is what is different on your birth certificate, and at the end of the day it is knowbodies bussiness.

YIKES. Actually worst case scenario, he tells everyone, and I quit out of humiliation. That would be terrible. I know everyone would "accept me"...but I don't think I can go through that.

Your boss won't be allowed to tell everybody, because of data protection laws. If he tells anybody you can sue him.

Finally the last thing I want to say, is why would you be humiliated if everybody did find out? If people think it's funny, then they are ignorant and stupid. I, like you pass 100%. But I am openly transsexual through my own choice. I'm proud to be seen as a transsexual person, going through a difficult journey, and surviving against all the odds. Nobody I know has ever laughed at me, or made me think I should be humiliated. Most people tell me how much respect and admiration they have for me because of the way I am dealing with my situation. I really think you will find that most people won't react the way you think they will. I'm certainly far happier and relax since I have been so open about my life. Everybody knows, I don't have this constant fear of discovery, and I'm proud and happy. You're supposed to transition to become happier. Will you really ever achieve happiness if you are constanty living in fear of "being discovered"? I hope everything works out for you. x

[Guest Nelly]

Hi,

Sergei wrote that what I also want to write to you. In our time everybody is equal and I think it is your private area to descide who you want to tell your gender. It is a funny thing that gender is so important also in live situation were gender knowledge is not necessary. If I go out to find a new partner than it is important but in the rest of the live not. Also in some other thread here were one person go shopping other gender clothing. The people there must ask teh boss if it is okay to try fitting. Why people freak out if sex, gender and body does not fit? Live would be much more easy without freaking people.

I want to suggest not to start with telling some laws. Just tell your boss your situation.

Greetings

Nelly

[Guest Cal]

Whew, he wrote me back and said it's not a big deal and he'll be discreet!

Thanks god he didn't flip out

[Guest Cal]

Whew, he wrote me back and said it's not a big deal and he'll be discreet!

Thanks god he didn't flip out

*thank

Thanks for all the support guys

Anyway, I was in a hurry last night when I posted, and didn't get to reply to those of you who asked me questions

Sorry for the double post.

Thats awful dude :[ so wait, in order to legally change your gender completely you have to get top surgery? or go the whole way & do bottom surgery too? cuz that totally wouldn't be fair! Anyway i hope everything turns out okay :]

From what I've been able to determine (and there are a lot of gray areas and maybe-but-maybe-not-facts), you have to get some kind of "gender reassignment surgery," whether this is top or bottom surgery. I think facial reconstruction surgery counts as well.

Finally the last thing I want to say, is why would you be humiliated if everybody did find out? If people think it's funny, then they are ignorant and stupid. I, like you pass 100%. But I am openly transsexual through my own choice. I'm proud to be seen as a transsexual person, going through a difficult journey, and surviving against all the odds. Nobody I know has ever laughed at me, or made me think I should be humiliated. Most people tell me how much respect and admiration they have for me because of the way I am dealing with my situation. I really think you will find that most people won't react the way you think they will. I'm certainly far happier and relax since I have been so open about my life. Everybody knows, I don't have this constant fear of discovery, and I'm proud and happy. You're supposed to transition to become happier. Will you really ever achieve happiness if you are constanty living in fear of "being discovered"? I hope everything works out for you. x

Well. A lot of people ask me this actually. The whole "what's wrong with people just knowing" thing.

I'm not sure I can really explain. But I'm so comfortable as being a boy. Just a boy. I enormously respect people who can be openly trans everywhere they go, because that's something I could never ever do. I don't want to be a poster boy and everyone's "gay friend" and everyone's go-to person for any kind of gender related questions. People who know me as a girl-who-dresses-like-a-boy (that was my lable from preschool through high school, and it was easiest to just accept that) always ask me ridiculous questions that have nothing to do with me. Questions about drag queens. Questions about lesbian sex. Questions about a girl they know who they think used to be a boy. Why would I know anything about that? No, I don't know your gay friends just because they're gay. No, I don't kmow why your brother wore high heels til he was 8. No, I'm not going to tell you what it's like to duct tape your chest when you're 12. People always assumed my girlfriends were lesbians. WHY WOULD A LESBIAN DATE ME? I AM NOT A WOMAN. It's endlessly tiresome dealing with some people's ignorance, and that's why I prefer to just pass as biomale and avoid it. I guess that's not exactly the most noble thing to do but it's what I have to do in order to not go crazy.

[Guest raydub]

Cal man..we all do what we have to do.

Glad things worked out for you. That's pretty rad.

Ray

[Guest theEND]

Well. A lot of people ask me this actually. The whole "what's wrong with people just knowing" thing.

I'm not sure I can really explain. But I'm so comfortable as being a boy. Just a boy. I enormously respect people who can be openly trans everywhere they go, because that's something I could never ever do. I don't want to be a poster boy and everyone's "gay friend" and everyone's go-to person for any kind of gender related questions. People who know me as a girl-who-dresses-like-a-boy (that was my lable from preschool through high school, and it was easiest to just accept that) always ask me ridiculous questions that have nothing to do with me. Questions about drag queens. Questions about lesbian sex. Questions about a girl they know who they think used to be a boy. Why would I know anything about that? No, I don't know your gay friends just because they're gay. No, I don't kmow why your brother wore high heels til he was 8. No, I'm not going to tell you what it's like to duct tape your chest when you're 12. People always assumed my girlfriends were lesbians. WHY WOULD A LESBIAN DATE ME? I AM NOT A WOMAN. It's endlessly tiresome dealing with some people's ignorance, and that's why I prefer to just pass as biomale and avoid it. I guess that's not exactly the most noble thing to do but it's what I have to do in order to not go crazy.

Yeah I know what you mean, you want to be judged for the person you are. To be 'the guy who's really cool', not 'the guy who used to be a girl but don't worry he's really cool'.

[Guest Cal]

Yeah I know what you mean, you want to be judged for the person you are. To be 'the guy who's really cool', not 'the guy who used to be a girl but don't worry he's really cool'.

Lmao, yeah.

Like my friends are always like "just tell people, don't worry! They're cool with it!" Like that's great that they're cool with it, I'm glad, but I still don't want them to think of me differently. I want to be thought of as a GUY. And the only way for people to reallllly think of me as a guy is for them to just think I've always been a guy.

[Guest Sergei]

I understand what you mean. Being out isn't for everybody. Sometimes it's hard, and I go through days wishing I had chosen to be stealth. But most times I'm strong and just want to fight the ignorance. That path isn't for everybody, I can understand that. I'm pleased everything worked out for you at work.xxx

[Guest Jackson]

I'm glad to hear everything worked out with your boss.

I'm another who just wants to be one of the guys and go stealth; however, I'm not sure how that will work since I'm not planning to leave my current job either. So that means about a thousand people who all work at the same place will know. I guess I have to just live with it since I like my job and I don't want to have to change jobs just to be stealth. I'll probably just be stealth in my private life.

But now my therapist wants me to be a trailblazer and start a group for the more rural guys in my area. So I'm not sure how it'll all balance out in the end. We'll see.