Uncertain. Uncertain and Very Afraid.

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Sorry, looking at this, it is in fact quite long, the modem acted up a bit, so I typed this up in Notepad++. I fear I might have made a rambling mess. Sorry again, as I was originally planning to post this yesterday. Instead its getting posted now as my mother got home and I had to close the webpage. After sleeping, I have now added more. So instead of just a rambling mess, it might just be a long rambling confused mess. Though, that goes along with my mental state of mind I suppose. I will also apologize in advance, for potentially poor grammar and spelling, as well as potentially rude statements. I am most definitely not mentally stable at the moment.

Greetings.

Before I start with this post in earnest. Please just let me say something, though, it may be incredibly rude/impolite/hateful it is not my intention to be such at all.

That something I want to say is "I am glad there are others suffering this way." I honestly would not wish this suffering on anyone. Be that as it may however, though I may hate to say it, I am kind of glad I decided to do that google search Sunday. The results, made me realize I might not be. . . Well, I don't know how to describe what I believe the general public to see people like us as without coming off as incredibly insulting. I will just leave it at "It made me realize I might not be as alone as I thought."

Now that I have said that, on to the main topic. For many years now, at least since I was 15, possibly since I was younger, I do not know when I started feeling like this. But since then I would have a recurring thought. This thought, would sometimes make me quite depressed. However, eventually I came to be able to think it, then ignore it. This single thought, is what I google searched Sunday. That thought is: "I wish I was a woman."

Even here. On these boards, where it is quite obvious there is no need to hide it, it is STILL extremely difficult to say that.

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know what to do about it either. In truth, I am still uncertain. Do I REALLY feel this way? That is the question that plagues my mind. I am sure I am not the only one. On the gender selection, I placed transgender, as although I am biologically male. I cannot call myself male. To do so, would suggest I like who and what I am. This, simply is not the case.

Perhaps this is the reason for so many issues I have had before now. I am currently 22, 23 in October, and truth is, I have had serious cases of depression, and have also contemplated suicide quite seriously 3 or so years ago. It may also be the cause of other issues. I don't take care of my body at all. Logically, I know I should, I just don't care to do so as, I don't like it. Also logically, I should probably speak to a therapist about these feelings. Being jobless, I can't do such a thing though, unless there's a way I can speak with one online, I would be shocked if there isn't.

Telling anyone I feel like this is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. Made worse, by generally "accepted social norms" and my own fears of what those I care for, my family, and my friends, would think of me.

I just, don't know what to do about these feelings. Perhaps the absolute worst however, is even though I am incredibly fearful to speak to those I care for regarding such things, I am also incredibly uncertain.

Biologically I am a man. However, despite physical characteristics, I can't see myself as a man. Which leaves me with two questions:

1: What am I? Am I a woman trapped within a man's body? Am I somewhere in between? Am I simply a confused man?

2: Where can I find some help? I need help. That is all there is to it. Uncertain, and cowardly though I may be, I can at least understand that I need help.

Still. After looking around the web somewhat, I am kind of glad, to see I am not alone in these thoughts.

In truth, at the moment, I live with my mother. As I am still not really, ready to tell her just how much these thoughts are concerning me, I probably will not be here as frequently as I would be otherwise. After googling that statement mentioned earlier in the post, I got quite depressed, and went to bed after a brief chat with my mom. She DID guess properly what the issue was, but neither of us have brought it up since. I would rather not need to bring it up again. But, these thoughts, are beginning to tear me apart. Perhaps I should have acknowledged them, when they first began to appear. Lying to others is wrong. Lying to oneself? Infinitely worse, for oneself, and others.

The more I think about these thoughts and feelings, the more scared I become. The thought of transsexuals/transgenders and others that don't fit the mold, doesn't disturb me. What disturbs me, is how fearful and confused I am after finally deciding to look at that singular thought I have had off and on for years. I mentioned I use to have suicidal thoughts, as well as depression. The depression has never really gone away, it's been there off and on. Usually, I would to bed, wake up perfectly fine, or perhaps, I am fooling myself, and I am not fine, but just think I am. Regardless, that isn't working now. From Sunday to today, this issue, these thoughts are constantly worrying me. In truth, I hate therapists/psychiatrists. But, as much as I hate them, I can say without a doubt, I need professional help.

I don't know how to get that help however. I have no job at the moment, and thus, no money. I could talk to my mom about it, I have a hunch she might take me to see someone. But, although she guessed what had me depressed Sunday, and guessed I was depressed yesterday, though we didn't mention potential causes. I am still terrified of telling her I need to see someone about these thoughts. Perhaps I do her an injustice, by not wanting to tell her? I don't know. If anyone knows a way to speak to a therapist online for free somehow, I would be very grateful.

I chose my username TheFearfulOne, because that is exactly how I felt. Afraid. However, today, I am no longer afraid. No, today, I am terrified. When thinking about this. I suppose I can imagine it as such:

Imagine an air-tight container. This air-tight container is sealed so tightly that nothing can escape it, despite the fact that what is contained within is so compressed, that the container should have burst long ago. Now imagine, that that air-tight seal, has developed a crack, and what is contained within the container, is starting to slowly escape.

That I suppose is how I feel. As I state earlier somewhere, "Lying to others is wrong. Lying to oneself? Infinitely worse, for oneself, and others." When thinking of the container, what I imagine it containing, is these emotions. The seal, is the lies I tell myself. As well as fear of what others would think. These lies include: "This cannot possibly be how I feel." "I must be imagining it." "Even if I have thought such things repeatedly over the years, those thoughts will just go away eventually, right?" "I don't take care of my body, appearance, and cleanliness, as I don't care what others think of me."

Those last two in particular. Those two are really nagging at me. That "Even if I have thought such things repeatedly over the years, those thoughts will just go away eventually, right?" is a horribly flawed thought, upon looking at it. Obviously, if I have thought it repeatedly over the years, it's probably not going to go away. The other one is flawed as well. Looking at that one now, that last part is so disturbingly incorrect I can't even fathom how I could possibly fool myself into believing it. The mere fact that I am frozen, and terrified of telling people these thoughts, states all too clearly, that I DO care what others think of me. Looking at the first part of that last lie (that I mention, there are probably others I haven't noticed yet), together with the other three. Tells me that that's likely false as well. In conjunction with the others, and how I feel now, it seems quite obvious, that I don't take care of myself, because I don't like what I am. Does that make sense?

I have tried to be outwardly calm. However. Though I feel I have been managing it alright. I have been shaking a lot over the past couple days, and inside, I am anything but calm. I can't even enjoy playing games like I usually do at the moment. They can distract me for a bit. But, a bit, is not forever. I am terrified at the moment. Of so much. Terrified of these thoughts and feelings of mine. Terrified of what others would say, if I tried to speak of them. Terrified, that my own family and friends would come to hate or despise me if I spoke of such things. Terrified of not knowing what to do, as I don't think I can get professional help, namely from a therapist, with no money. Terrified of my own uncertainty, I keep asking myself, "Do I really feel this way?". Worst of all: terrified, that even if I decide to act on these feelings, those actions, still won't lead to my own, personal happiness.

Most people would not think such things. I say "most" rather than "the average" or "the normal" as I would rather not start an argument of what average and normal really are. Average and Normal depend on your own personal point of views after all. I honestly don't think my mind is stable enough at the moment, to get into such a discussion.

Apologies for the emotional mess. I usually tend to bottle up my emotions and attempt to deal with them myself. Though, I don't know if I would still be THIS calm, if it weren't for the fact that after my mother guessed what had me depressed. I told a friend I have talked with for years on instant messenger about these thoughts. Having someone to talk to when your heading towards the deep-end is an amazingly helpful thing.

Signed:

TheFearfulOne

Slightly Off-Topic: Where is the option to hide my email? I looked under email & password settings but it wasn't there. It also wasn't under Profile Settings, Notification, Ignore, your notification settings. Did I miss it? I wouldn't be surprised, I am quite. . . Panicky at the moment I suppose I could say. Though, I suppose suppressing such thoughts for over 5 years would do that to anyone when they finally start looking at it? Is it under personal profile? Because, if it is, I quite obviously can't access that setting yet.

[Guest Krisina]

Hi The FearfulOne. First of all I would like to welcome you to Laura's Playground. I hope you will feel at home here and we can help you overcome your fears, and have some people who you can talk to with similar things they have to deal with.

You can have your name changed if you want to later when feeling better. Your email address I didn't see it visible in your profile. Please be sure to take a look at out Rules & Regs too, It's not a very long.

1. What are you? Well it sounds like you are suffering from what we call around here Gender Identity Disorder GID. Some people don't like the term disorder, but to me I think of how my life is disorganized and not quite going the way I want it to be. Gender Dysphoria is another word. What ultimately are is transgender. To what degree is different with each person. You had mentioned that you had them or realized you had them for a number of years since around 15.

2 Where can you get some help? You have mentioned that you are not working but that your Mom senses what the problem is. If your Mom was able to pay for some therapy, the place to go to is a Gender Therapist (GT for short). They are the therapist who specifically specialize in working with transgender individuals and helping the live a better life. I'm not sure about free ones but maybe there are others who know about ones available. Other places you could go depending on where you live would be a transgender support group. The web and places specifically like this place are good too.

A good book to read or even take out from the library is called True Selves: Understanding transsexualism.

I like what you said "Having someone to talk to when your heading towards the deep-end is an amazingly helpful thing."

Yes it is and will be here to help you too.

Welcome to Laura's Playground and be sure to grab some milk and cookies from our kitchen

Krisina

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Thank you for the welcome. I honestly tried to suppress these thoughts, as I mentioned earlier. As this is the case, I don't know when I started having them. To be perfectly honest. Looking at myself, namely these thoughts. Is a frightening thing. It is as though, I am looking in a mirror, and I see myself there. However, the me I see, is not me. Does that make sense?

Do you happen to know of a list of Gender Therapists I could look at to find if there is one near here? And, about how much do you think it would cost to speak with one?

In all honesty. Though she guessed what the issue was, and I did admit it. Actually telling her I need to speak to someone about it, will be, difficult, that isn't even speaking of other family members, my Father and Step-mother for instance, none of whom know I feel like this. The only thing I know for sure, is, I don't like the "me" I see in the mirror.

To be honest, the email attached to this account, used to be my primary one. But, I use others for that now, it's mostly a "throw-away" type email I rarely check now. As such, it's mostly relegated to signing up to forums.

[Guest]

Good morning!

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

It sounds like you've come to the right place! There is information galore here, and as much as anything, a caring atmosphere where your fears and confusion can relax and find peace. So, I do hope you've found our "milk and cookies", the warm caring members here, some just finding their way, and others having led the way.

Many of your questions regard your profile settings, which you'll be able to update after five posts. This will give you the access to change your email settings, if you don't want to receive any.

Another thing - perhaps I missed it? You asked about local Gender Therapists, but I don't see where you live? In my town, I go to a clinic that has many therapists for the Gay and Trans communitiy - they offer a sliding scale depending on a person's ability to pay. On Laura's Playground's Home Page, there's a link to therapists all over the country. You can follow the link here: http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm.

I do want to say: please take care of that body! It may not be the right one, but it's the only one you'll ever have. It can change with you, and become your friend. Just give it time and patience - you'll see!

When you have a moment, you might put a post up in the Introductions Forum so that everyone here at Laura's can come by and say hello!

Love, Megan

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

I am currently in the Tippecanoe area of Indiana. It doesn't appear there's anyone local here, at least, not listed at that link.

My health issues regarding my body are mostly weight and cleanliness issues, discounting my, gender issues. I am actually kind of disgusted with those two issues to be honest. I am trying to take care of the cleanliness issue however. But, old habits die hard.

About how long on average would you say it takes for a post to be approved? For future ref.

[Guest Krisina]

About how long on average would you say it takes for a post to be approved? For future ref.

There is no real set time on how long it takes a post to be approved. Late at night and early in the morning is the slowest as fewer of the people who check posts are around. Posting in the daytime probably has the fastest times for posts to go up but it also depends on how many moderators are on and the volume of postings to go through. I know my answer is vague but it really does depend on what is going. Daytime though is faster. I hope that helps.

Krisina

[Guest Krisina]

Trying to be less vague about how long it takes posts to go up. I have seen sometimes posts go up in just a few minutes. Other times it can be say 6 hours. I'm just throwing that last number out as an example. That's why I would say posting in the daytime the posts go up faster more moderators online. So if you do have one of those days and you wondered what happened don't take it personally. Please check back to see if it is up.

Krisina

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Alright, thank you for that. My sleep schedule is pretty much all over the place to be honest, so I will probably post at pretty different times, if I don't just lurk. Going back to the first post you made in this thread however, you say:

"Well it sounds like you are suffering from what we call around here Gender Identity Disorder GID. Some people don't like the term disorder, but to me I think of how my life is disorganized and not quite going the way I want it to be"

I will be honest. I don't particularly like the term "Disorder" either. However, that liking of it, is determined by how you define "disorder". "Out of order", "Disorganized", "Not right", "Not "normal"".

The last one, is the one I don't like. It tries to define normalcy. In my opinion, what is considered "normal", varies entirely from person to person. The first one I suggested, I don't like much either. I do like it more, as it is more, ambiguous, but still. The second and third, are the ones I like. My mind is most definitely, unstable or "Not right/Disorganized". Going along with that, you could potentially say the same about my life at the moment.

I think, I might try to talk to my mom about how I feel. The quickest way, would probably be to have her read my first post. Perhaps this is a bad idea?

[Guest Krisina]

For me I would say gender "disorder" = not right.

My body doesn't match my mind. So I try to do things and get help so I feel better, continually working on what can be fixed, if fixed is the right word to use. I think another word might be better but that is the one I have for now.

Krisina

[Guest Svenna]

TheFearfulOne,

Your thoughts and feelings seem to run parallel to many who ultimately come to realize that their internal is truly incongruent with the body they inhabit...

The fears and questions you harbor are actually common to many of us here, though some are farther along in their particular journey. Ultimately, only you will be able to figure out who and what you are, but a Gender Therapist will probably be in your future before too long, I hope...

There is no right or wrong outcome in your search for your individual truth, but you can be sure, there is a 'truth' just waiting to be discovered. What that truth is, I cannot rightly say...

I want to commend you on taking the very big step of actually addressing this issue, in spite of the very real concerns you have over how others will react. I would recommend, and this is just a casual opinion from just another person on the planet, that you resolve to find your truth first, then decide if/when/how you share it with others. By inviting too many people into your very personal, inward journey, you risk being swayed into accepting what is right FOR THEM. I will say this much unequivocally, this journey IS ALL ABOUT YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS. Do not allow those that cannot possibly understand pollute your search needlessly....

Now, it seems to be a grand thing that your mother has 'guessed' your issue, yes? Are you close to her? Do you trust her with your life? If so, you may have found the greatest ally a girl can have in this world, and that is a mother that is accepting of her child, regardless of her own expectations. I would play my crds close to my chest for the moment, there will be plenty of time to share your very intimate personal identity details later, if need be..

OK, enough jibber-jabber from me...

In the near future, please read and read and read some more of the stories posted by folks that have come to Laura's before you. You may notice a pattern of agreement between your experiences and one or more particular sub-group that calls this incredible site home...

For me, I was flabbergasted by how many times I found myself reading the posts of other Male-to-Female Transsexuals. At first I thought, this is incredible, I thought I was the only one, how could I have not known for sure, DECADES ago, that I am a transsexual? Then the full impact of 'identifying' with a group of people that the world calls so many nasty names, then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just COULDN'T be 'one of those', could I?? Well, I kept reading the posts of these 'people' and I soon realized that the folks here that represent this particular subset of humanity were actually very intelligent, reasonable, caring, loving and special people. Not what I was conditioned to expect at all..

I realized then that I had been not only hating my outward gender, but hating what I really am, hating MY PEOPLE...I was deeply invested with trans-phobic thoughts and I didn't realize just how deeply those thoughts were buried in my psyche. Until I relented, I was stuck where I stood. And, lemme tell you, that was not a happy place!

After getting beyond my own small-thinking, I was stunned by the relief I felt as I finally stopped hiding from myself. I have been far happier since..

Now, that said, you may OR may not identify accurately with any group of folks here. If you do, you will find this to be the best place anywhere to learn about what it is that you really are. If you are not trans, you will hopefully find that out, too. It isn't easy to be wrong-bodied, but knowledge is power...

I hope the best for you as you explore your identity and wish nothing but love and kindness to you as you tread in such a strange headspace...

But please know this, the answers you seek can be found, the truth you need to learn can be learned, and the life you seek can be, ultimately, attained and lived fully...

These are tremendous times we live in, take your time, figure it all out, and Godspeed on your way!

Love, Svenna

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

I do agree. Another word might be better. I can't think of one at the moment though.

Regardless, I do have an update on the situation, going to go post it over in my Intro thread.

[Guest Svenna]

I do agree. Another word might be better. I can't think of one at the moment though.

Regardless, I do have an update on the situation, going to go post it over in my Intro thread.

I'm heading over that way right now. I'm looking forward to it...Svenna