"Crossdressing", an update on life, and a few rants.

[Guest filmgirl92]

"Crossdressing"

I crossdress daily. All I have are my regular clothes. I have to make them seem like how they have to appear.

I dress as a guy daily. All I have are girls and unisex clothes so I have to make them seem guyish or androgynous because they have to appear so because of my mother does not approve of my transition from male to female.

I live a double life. I present as female on campus but at home I have to pass as male. I generally wear feminine/androgynous outfits to class so when I get to campis I'll only have to change a top or shoes. Some days I'll wear something that can't masculineize or androgynize. For example, today I wore a cream lace/crochet dress with a flower print skirt, a gray knit cardigan, black lace tights, and black boots. (

You can click here to the collage of the outfit.) No part of the outfit can pass for masculine or androgynous. So I wore a t-shirt, sweatpants, and sneakers over the whole thing then once I got to class I took off the shirt and pants and changed shoes in my car. A lot of work and it sounds insane I know. This is what I have to deal with just to be myself.

Now for the first rant...

I hate that I can't be myself at home because I have to hide my true self from my mother. I thought I would be able to do this for now until after school but I honestly don't think I can. I don't know what I can do. If I re-come out to her and tell her I am transitioning it will be bad. So for now, until I am ready for that. For now I just have to keep calm and carry on.

"An update on life"

As I said above (and other posts) I present at school which is really big. I still haven't been able to get my name changed or abbreviated on my school roster, ID, and email. I know it can be done it is just a matter of the registrar emailing me back telling me how to do it. Classes are going ok I guess. It's just getting back into the swing of things. I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed already but I know it will pass as I start getting into the routine.

I am making a lot of progress with my therapist and as I said in another post it's looking like I will have my note by October. Due to my schedule I am only seeing her once a week which feels a little weird because over the summer I was seeing her twice a week. For next session she asked me to bring in pictures that I like of myself with family and friends and when I was younger. Someone told me that you can tell how you'll look on HRT by how you look when you were young. I am not sure how true that is.

The last rant...

At times I've been feeling down about myself and my ability to pass. My problem is hair. Specifically chest hair. I shave my chest every day (sometimes I skip a day) but a razor and Nair doesn't get it all and there is still a shadow. Unless your staring straight at my chest you can't tell but I am very self conscious about it. In fact I think it sometimes affects my ability to pass mainly because it affects my confidence. But generally I am pretty confident so I can pass. I am at a point where I present so often as female it's hard for me to ever present as fully male.

The biggest fear for me on this journey is how I pass and how I am seen. I honestly don't care what people the people who see me as trans think of me. But I don't want to be seen as trans. I just want to be seen at a average, everyday, 19 year old girl. I fear I will be read as being trans and that's not my goal. In saying that I just want to say I don't mean to offend anyone, I don't mean to say it's not normal or wrong to be open about being transgender, I am simply stating it's what I personally want for myself.

In closing...

I'd like to end this longer than average post on a positive note. I am mostly out of the closet, Presenting at least 50% of the time, I've been in therapy for 5 months, and I am close to starting HRT. I can stop saying "I want to transition", "I need to transition", or "I plan to transition." I can say I am transitioning and I am well on my way.

Now I am going to make Sleepytime tea and read one of the funniest books I've ever read, "An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington".

Adieu for now,

Nicole