I don't know.

[Guest life is confusing]

There was a point in time, where I really, and I mean really thought I was a female. I even went to a therapist for a summer, I went to about 10 visits, and then decided that I had had enough. I don't know what went wrong, but that was a major turning point in my life. That's not to say that the feelings went away though. I mostly attribute my withdraw from therapy do to being ashamed with myself. I was worrying about what my family would think of me, if I where ever to present to them as a girl. I was afraid that if I did go through with it, I would go into seclusion, live my life alone. (More on that later). But no, my feelings remained, although it took them about two months after quitting therapy for them to resurface.

Another important aspect to note, is that I started going to school before I quit going to the therapist, I think I made it like a week into the semester and then decided that therapy was too much, I didn't want to take things that far. Anyway, I kept my feelings for being a girl at bay for at least 2 months, before caving in on them again. I kept dressing the whole time I was repressing these feelings, but only occasionally. When I finally caved in, was when I started to feel like a girl again. This would go on and off for the next two years, before I decided that I really just was a girl, I needed to do something about it then and I was going to. This was around January/February 2010.

I decided I would go to a therapist, and stick to it. However, at the first meeting things didn't go as planned. The therapist basically said she didn't believe I was a girl, she said she couldn't see it. At the time, that just fed my male self, made me think that my female self was just something I made up, something I created out of a sick perversion. Who knows, maybe it is. Anyway, I also started to stop taking my add meds (because I needed to and because I was abusing them), and it took me about half a year to completely stop taking my medication, and I was abusing it along the way (taking them from 7-20 years old/abusing them from 2009-2010). I started abusing it before I tried to quit, but as I quit I started to abuse it more. I stopped taking it before school and started taking it when I was at home. By the way, this inter played with my crossdressing, just so you know (it kind of makes me wonder if the meds didn't give me some sort of condition where I thought I was a girl, anyway I don't really know). Whenever I was abusing it, I was crossdressing. It just made me stop caring, and in some odd way make me feel at peace with myself, until I crashed. I didn't ever exceed taking more than 4, and I rarely ever did take that much, although there where the occasions especially towards then end.. I started with just one extra every two weeks and eventually went to taking 2 extra every week, sometimes 3 extra and sometimes more often than once a week. I eventually quit because I realized that if I didn't, I wasn't ever going to get anywhere. So I quit and I guess I have been recovering from that since then.

However, the whole reason I wanted to quit taking it was because I started doing other things, like the psychedelics and bud. So I was already kind of out there because of that. I did psychedelics maybe 4 times within I think like two months, and a few more times here and there. I honestly can't remember the end of my sophmore year in college, because of all the drugs, and my grades show it as well. I feel like I have lost my identity, and I really did then. It feels like, and is probably true to say, that I have not been the same person since that window of time. I feel like my true self hasn't changed, it kind of feels like I can't reach my true self. I don't know who that person is. The thing is, right before all of this, when I thought I was a girl, when I decided that I would go to therapy and commit to it, I was pretty happy. Either that or I just thought I was. So I either finally found who I was, a girl, a female, and was happy about it, until I realized I wouldn't pass, or started to unsuppress that aspect that I know is true. At least without hormones, because I really can't say I know what they would do. And because I am too afraid that it will distance me from my family. In the end, I spent the next, I don't know how long, up until like the end of school spring semester 2011, in seclusion.

I mean I am still pretty alone, I feel like I have no friends, because the ones I have aren't all that great. I can't say that's not because of me though. Anyway, right now, all I can say is, I am very confused. I wish everyday when I wake up that I was a girl, I wish I was a girl when I go to bed. I wish I was a girl when I am alone, but when I dress up as a girl, those feelings just turn into some sick sexual desire. So I try as hard as I can to refrain from dressing, because I dislike feeding that sexual desire. And when I do feed that sexual desire, it makes me feel even more like a woman, and I don't even know how, but it does and it really makes me sick.

I hate having this sexual desire, it doesn't do me any good but distraction, I wish I could make it stop, but I can't. It makes me wish I didn't have the male parts down there. At the same time, I feel like I am just messed up, how can a guy want to be a girl, I mean I am a guy. I most likely have 1 x chromosome, and 1 y chromosome. I know that there are many factors that make a person transsexual and that it isn't just genetic, but I feel like I am just in some odd ball category. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I feel like a freak of society. I really do need therapy, but I don't know if I could ever open up to a therapist, I have had trouble in the past.

All I want, is someone I can talk to that will say that I am not a transsexual, but then all that will leave me with, is this feeling that I am. I don't believe I am though, I don't see how I could be, I didn't feel like a girl when I was a child. Though I didn't feel like a normal boy either, I never really thought I fit in. Why is it then, that I feel like I am one now. I sometimes wonder if I am just a CDer then, but that doesn't feel right, because I always feel empty when I am crossdressing. I feel like it isn't what I look for. I don't look forward to wearing woman's clothing, all I want, is to be a woman.

However, when I wear the clothes I can at least think that I am a woman, because I look like one, a tiny bit. But I never feel like one. I still feel so incomplete. Is that because I am really not a woman, but a man who is addicted to crossdressing? Am I really autogynephilic? Do I only desire a woman's body for sexual reasons? When I am sexually aroused, I usually like to think of myself as a woman. I don't know why, and I don't know how it makes sense, but that is what happens.

I feel embarrassed by all of this, because I know that it probably isn't true. I sometimes wonder if I am actually just gay, and am diverting my homosexuality by thinking that I am actually a transsexual, but in that mode I have always thought I liked woman, and I have no desire to be with a man. I can't leave out the feminine aspect, it just wouldn't feel right. It just all seems so unreal to me that this could be me, and I don't know why. I feel like I am normal, yet I can't accept myself as normal. Am I behind some mental block, if I come past this mental block is it possible that I could see that I am actually not a transsexual, or will coming out from behind this block mean that I must accept my transsexuallity or homosexuality, which ever it is.

I never really thought I was gay, if anyone ever asked me (which I think happened like once), I would confidentially say no. I even feel like I would say no now. In fact I don't really believe in labels. I don't feel like it defines me. I mean, I could be with a man, but only if he was the right person, who accepted me for me, who knew who I truly was. Although the same goes for a woman, I couldn't see myself with just any random woman. Yes I feel sexually aroused by woman, but that part of me doesn't matter. I don't care about it.

Anyway, I really just don't know who I am, and I feel like I am getting close to figuring it out, I feel like I am reaching my breaking point, I need to come out of this cage that I have put myself in, but I first need to find the key.

By the way, I forgot to add, throughout this whole time span, from about my senior year of high school to now, I have had what I have just found out, or at least what I am pretty sure it is as told by and oral surgeon, that I have a thyroid problem. I spent alot of time thinking it was cancer because I am a paranoid person and even though I didn't think it was, it has been in the back of my mind for a long time. I only have a few days where it doesn't bother me, sometimes more, sometimes less, so I need to get this taken care of before I can do anything really .

P.S. Sorry for writing so much, but I had a lot to say.

P.S.S. Feel free to move this topic to another section if you don't feel like it belongs here.

" " " " Also, this isn't like my first post or however many it says I have, I have another account but I don't feel like it correctly identifies me, as I really am confused about who I am.

Also should I go to a gender therapist, I feel like I need to but I don't know what there is to talk about, after all I am talking to a person who is most likely not transgendered at all, so how can they help me? That is just how I feel from my experience. I am having trouble gaining the confidence/courage/motivation to even see a normal therapist.

-wow I am just dragging everything out-

sorry if this is confusing in anyway, I sometimes have a hard time keeping my thoughts organized.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Well that was a most compelling introduction.

A matter of business first.... you must delete your other account here as only one account per person is allowed.

With that aside.... many, many people have described sexual arousal when crossdressing. Although that has never been my personal experience, I now realize that I am in the minority. Each person expresses themselves for their own reasons.

Everything that you have expressed here should be shared with a therapist. I cannot diagnose you with GID, but you clearly are questioning. Continue to see a therapist. I will tell you this hon, your gender questioning will never leave you. You cannot will it away. In time, I do hope that you find your way and balance in your life.

Love

Brenda

[JenniferB]

Hi Confused and Welcome to Laura's Playground,

We are not therapists so can't give you professional advice on gender issues, all we can do is share our own experiences. I know you've gone through this before but you will have to find a therapist you can trust.

You must be extremely analytical. I know I'm an analytical person too. But IMO you are overdoing it causing you to go around in circles and making you more frustrated. Don't be in a rush (I know easier said than done) and instead of thinking about who you are, start doing some research so you can better understand who you are. One suggestion is to read through the forums. There is a ton of information here that goes back for years and I'm sure you will find other members who went through similar experiences. Also transsexual feelings can come and go, they can disappear for years and come back stronger than ever.

I never knew I was transsexual until I was 50 years old and then it hit me like a ton of bricks (pardon the cliche). And from that time on I knew that I had to transition for that feeling would never go away (it hasn't).

Also don't be afraid to ask questions. Our main purpose here is to listen and give support. You will find caring members here who are nonjudgmental and in a short time you should realize Laura's is a safe place.

I'd like you to read the terms & conditions found in the lower right hand corner of almost every page if you haven't already. We moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone.

I hope we can help you find yourself so you will have a happier life. We are glad to be a part of your journey.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny