A day cross-dressed

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

Today I attended my best friend's grandfather's funeral. I have not yet come out to his family and his grandfather asked for me by name to be when he made his arrangements before he left. So I respected his wishes and attended as the person he asked for.

This is the first day in almost 4 months that I actually spend the entire day dressed as a male. A friend of mine on another online support group semi-jokingly said I technically cross-dress for work if I'm a female any other time. ;P And thats how I felt today.

I felt uncomfortable all day. I was fine with being at the funeral. I did not however remove my nail polish or my ring. And I still wore a woman's shirt and underwear under my suit. But the irritating part was afterwards. Everyone calling me "sir" and by my given name. It irked me to no end and I hid my hands for most of the day. I kept my head held high though and hid my hands mainly to keep myself from walking /too/ womanlike. Its..really uncomfortable to walk that way in a men's suite! o.O

After lunch I said I would go home and change before we hung out together. I went home, changed, and found out just before I was going to put on my lipstick that his parents would be joining us.

Of course, I was extremely excited to be out of one of the few man clothes I had left! And that was after digging them out of the closet floor! Now I was unable to dress as a woman for the entire day! I was very very unhappy. I huffed and said I'd just stick something over it and go. So I wore my girl jeans, ugly men's shoes, a long stretchy tank top, a tshirt over it, and a big jacket to hide my breasts. I stuffed my new purse into my bag-purse and went.

I was still a little miffed about not being able to be myself. I had to force myself to walk like a man, talk like a man, keep myself from looking through the women's clothing racks and holding them up to myself to see if I could fit them....

But what hurt today was finding out that the person that used to be my best friend till I messed a lot of things up a few months ago, the person I thought knew me the most, turned out to not know me at all. Neither of them did. They do not understand my desire to be a woman. Even through all these years of explaining and admitting my feelings about it. They still don't see that it. She told me she doesn't think I was meant to be a woman. I'm sure she meant well, but it hurt. A lot. And she started to lecture me on how some people were meant to be born as a woman but I just wasn't one of them. Some of the things she was saying really started to rub me the wrong way.

I did try to keep in mind that she has not spoken to me or been around me outside of the work in the past 3 or 4 months. She said a lot of misinformed things and I gritted my teeth. Eventually I had to explain, restraining myself, that I have been looking into this for years and know about the entire process. That becoming a woman was more than just a surgery. That I knew about the therapy I'd have to go through and the work I'd have to put into creating a female image. And that I don't /have/ to have the surgery to be a woman.

I get the feeling that they think I just want to wear women's clothes. And its more than that. I hate myself as a male. I used to cry in my room with a knife held to my genitals and eventually throw the knife on the ground and cry in bed because I was too afraid of the pain and mental consequences. I thought she knew about all the repressed and hidden interests, postures, speech, hobbies, and desires. I thought they both did.

Today I realized they don't know me anymore. I've changed more than I thought I did. I no longer find interest in the things I did before. Or perhaps, that the things I found interesting before have paled in comparison to the things I find so much joy in that I've always wanted to do. That our friendship needs to start over from the beginning if I want them to understand me as a woman and not just as a guy dressed as a woman.

They have yet to be around me as a woman. And perhaps they would understand how truly happy it makes me to be the woman I am inside if they could just see me and be with me then.

I needed to vent. Right now, I feel like the only people that take me for who I am are the new friends I've made since I began dating my SO.

I guess to start I should explain things to both my friends' families. One is super religious and the other...well they are just rather opinionated I guess. The the first one that makes me nervous. But they deserve to know the most because they have been like my step-in parents since I moved out.

Well, I'm gonna get dressed properly now and go out to a party where everyone will accept me for who I am.

Have a nice night everyone.

[Guest Mia J]

Ariel,

I am sorry you had such a day. It is hard to switch back for a whole day. My G.T. calls it going in boy-drag and I agree with you that you had to cross-dress.

I think a lot of times the people we tell just get pre-conceived ideas that they think they know us better than we know ourselves. I don't think there is much you can do in those cases except live life as you are and show them how much happier you are when you are true to yourself.

Have fun tonight at the party but take care of yourself.

Mia

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

I will. My SO is just having a bleh day too so I don't think she'd listen much. I feel a little better after typing that and taking a nice shower + a shave.

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

Well that was quite a wonderful night! I'm so glad I went out to that party. It was a total lift of spirits. ^^

[Michelle 2010]

It sounds like you know yourself well enough that the rejection is their issue, not yours. I've learned that if I am comfortable with myself, people who may have an issue with me can own the problem... I don't have to... Hopefully they will come around. Maybe giving them time will open their minds. I'm at the point that I would move on if I have friends that can't accept me. Can't go back now! Pandora is out of the Box, lol!

good luck with your friends!

Michelle

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

Thanks.

For now I'm just seeing it as I need to work our friendship back up from the ground. They know someone I almost made up named Sebastian, but they don't know Ariel yet.