Accepting it

[Guest Rowan19]

After so much screaming in the dark emo corner of my walk-in I've accepted it, I'm a man. But so far I've only mananged to come out to one person on youtube, I'm really scared what Mum and my friends will say. My mum is only just starting to come to terms with my supposed 'two-spiritism', and considering how rough that was for both of us I just don't know... I have a few FCD, gay and bi friends but how could they even come close to knowing how I feel? What if they won't accept me!?

IDK, should I come out... or not?

[Guest Krisina]

Yes you should come out but only when you are ready. Fear of the unknown is one of the worst things.

You have female cross dresser, bi and gay friends. When someone who is gay comes out to people who are straight, the straight people have no idea what it is like to come out. How were you when a friend came out to you and told you they were gay?

The fear in our heads is often worse than reality. As far as your Mom is concerned go easy on her take your time telling her. Start with telling friends first.

Hugs

Krisina

[Guest Ney'ite]

Krisina is right, it probably would be best to come out when *you* are ready. The simple fact is, this is NOT going away and will only intensify. Once the "cat is out of the bag," forget about trying to put it back in.

And your friends you listed already have to deal with issues as it is, and while they may be a little different from yours, nonetheless they *know* what it is like to be considered "different" from the (most annoying) stereotypical mainstream. I think Walter Winchell made really nice point, and I share this often, when he said: “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” So if someone has an issue, they may come around eventually, they may not. But you will find out quickly who your true friends are, and who are nothing more than "fair weather" friends. Those so-called "fair weather" friends would quite possibly have abandoned you if not for this, for something else. Those types of friends are a dime-a-dozen.

Again, when *you* are ready there are some things that you may wish to consider (which I just posted last night to another person in the same spot as you) . . .

Perhaps go to lunch with your mom in a public place. The idea behind this is, usually if you have something to share that may be less than accepted with open arms, doing so in a public place *usually* will avoid them make a scene.

Find a gender therapist in your area. I have heard that Laura's has a list that may prove helpful. When you find one, perhaps mom would also benefit from going with you to a session or two.

Find a trans group in your area as well. This can be an excellent source of support - something that is almost always *paramount* to survival and often a lifeline for so many. You will quickly realize you are not alone. Your mom may also benefit from going if the group has like a "Peers & Allies" night (but most likely would need to get permission first) and realize that she is also not alone by any means.

Just some thoughts to consider, but please, keep the group updated and above all, good luck!

[Drea]

Yes you should come out but only when you are ready.

A very typical response, many here will advocate such.

I take a different view...nobody here can tell you what you should or should not do. Nobody is you and nobody here knows enough about you. If they are recommending something so directly, telling you should come out, transition, whatever they, are almost always projecting (unconciously) their own beliefs/desires onto your situation and has very little to do with what is right for you.

The question isn't a matter of ready or not, but one of why do you want to come out? What do you hope to achieve by comming out? Will comming out achieve what you wish? What will you do if the reaction is negative.

Comming out is one of those irreversible things that many jump into doing very prematurely. It has been my observation through the years that many jump into comming out as a first step because it doesn't cost anything and can be done at will. I feel many, in a way, come out as a subconcious means of seeking validation and or permission to continue down the path they want. All is fine when one gets that validation, but it leaves one in a really difficult situation when the result isn't support. This can be especially difficult when one is totally dependent on their parents for support.

I am not against comming out. It is that comming out is not something to be taken lightly and is doesn't need to be a first step. Many here act like it is a first step however perpetuating the idea. I always recommend that one seek out counseling first particularly if one desires to transition. In counseling the questions I raised can be discussed and the timing and method for comming out can be discussed. Commint out is something that only needs be done when it is time. Unless one is a minor, nothing says one has to come out before starting hormones as an example. This is about yourself and if you feel the need to tell people before doing anything else, it may be that subconcious permission seeking rearing its ugly head.

Generally speaking, with the help of a counselor one can develop clarity in one's intended path, clarity about oneself, and also very importantly, professional opinion backing oneself up. Thus when it is time to come out, it is not just you saying so, but also a professional that concurs with your point of view. That will carry much more weight. The counselor can also help guide you as to possible reactions and ways of telling that will be more likely to yield positive results than negative.

If one is a minor and feels they need to come out in order to get to a counselor, consider this....one can always ask to see a counselor due to depression, stress, anxiety or any of the other general symptoms being trans may be causing. That counselor may not be a gender specialist but as a first step that is not important.

The simple fact is, this is NOT going away and will only intensify.

This is one of those poorly supported community beliefs because this is true of those currently active in the community. I known people who have gotten really instense and then saw the feelings fade. Such people stop being active in the community so you won't hear from them. It seems to me that taking actions based upon not what one is feeling today but an assumption about what may happen isn't the best.

[Guest Ney'ite]

Excellent suggestion and a very interesting point you brought up, Drea, about perhaps having the first step being that of seeking counseling, even if not a gender therapist initially. I guess my point on coming out would be for those who are moving forward with their transition and start presenting in their target gender - a point when you have no choice *but* to come out to people at least within your own circle for obvious reasons.

[Guest Ney'ite]

This is one of those poorly supported community beliefs because this is true of those currently active in the community. I known people who have gotten really instense and then saw the feelings fade. Such people stop being active in the community so you won't hear from them. It seems to me that taking actions based upon not what one is feeling today but an assumption about what may happen isn't the best.

And again, a good point about my comment of these feelings intensifying. Yes, they often do intensify initially, which leads to your other comment about perhaps seeking professional help first. But eventually they often do fade, some I would imagine quickly, but I would think the majority would over time, even becoming non-existent for many. I guess my comment was more directed at the here and now and not down the road.

Many do disappear from the community for many reasons. One of which simply being these ones just want to blend into society and live a happy life in their target gender. I have had some get on my case to be more active and vocal and be "out" there - that is fine for some people, for others like myself, I just want to blend in with society and go unnoticed and just live and enjoy my life.

[Drea]

I guess my point on coming out would be for those who are moving forward with their transition and start presenting in their target gender

Absolutely, this is one of the "need to do it" points. At least when one is expecting to be around the people in question. Going full time is a stope that answers a couple of the questions I stated. Hopefully one has seen a counselor and already gone through the questions by such a time.

I recognize some people do simply go full time, come out and such without ever seeking a counselor. Some have good results some don't.

What I am trying to get at is that there are ways that have better chances for a positive outcome than others. Some in the community would like to believe that our own actions don't affect outcomes. That it is entirely the other person transphobia or lack of awareness in society.

Having seen a counselor, gotten good avice about how to approach the topic, having a firmer understanding of oneself, and having a medical professional as backup all improve the chances of getting understanding and acceptancy by others when comming out.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yes you should come out but only when you are ready.

A very typical response, many here will advocate such.

Well, I, for one, do not advocate such......

Coming out is a seriously big step and Drea made some good points....

Coming out for what reason? Sometimes one can get a lot further along while still "hidden" than after outing ones self....

Think about it.......what are the advantages right now?

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest Krisina]

Rowan has already come out to one person and sounds like he wants to come out to others but then again maybe not.

Rowan do you want to come out to others?

Krisina

[Drea]

Wanting does not necessarily equate should. Regardless in my opinon it is not our place to tell people they should or should. If one wants that may very well be the correct course of action, we can't know enough to advise that however.

I for one been around long enough to have seen many encouraged to take the serious and irreversible action of comming out simply out of want without the person having though through what they hoped to gain and a plan for what comes next.

Rowan has my totall blessing if he has considered everything, understands the down side and is willing to take that leap.

There is no answer that fits all of us and there are more than one way to come out as I already suggested.

I like to see positives outcomes, how one goes about it can make all the difference in the world.

[Guest Rowan19]

First of all; it's not really like I've been me all these years, what if they think I'm not their friend? That I'm someone completely different?

And second of all I actually told three very close friends of mine today, and they blew it off like it was nothing! Pretended like it haven't even happened! Maybe they were in shock... but then again, they were the same when I told them about my self-harm issues. They never ended up reacting to that at all!

Two of them are FCDs as well, you think they'd be the most understanding. :(x2

I plan on telling Danny and Seamus soon, maybe even Seamus tomorrow... IDK.

I'll see how it goes.

[Guest Rowan19]

Seamus took it really well, and even agreed to calling me Rowan on a regular basis!

[Guest Ney'ite]

Congratulations on the steps you have taken with your friends! It can be scary without a doubt, but often times (thankfully) the outcome is far less dramatic than we had anticipated and expected.

[Guest Rowan19]

And Danny who now knows has said here here for me, who could ask for better friends!?

[JJ]

That is wonderful Rowan. I am very happy for you. Sometimes it is time to come out. You are the best person to judge that. You did a good job and I'm glad it turned out well.

Johnny

[Guest Darrel]

Hey Drea, long time no see.

I have to say I wish I could have done my coming out with my mother a bit better. We were going on our daily walk together, it was snowing outside, and I was sobbing to myself because my brother and sister-in-law just announced they were going to finally have a baby, and I was overwrought with grief over fear of being called an 'aunt' rather than 'uncle'. I had only been out as a transman to myself and my girlfriend for about a year at this point, and hadn't come out to anyone else at that time. But as I was sobbing she started asking questions and it just came out.

Then she told me how she'd rather have a pregnant teenage daughter instead of me as her child, and how I had ruined her entire life and her future.

We've kind of mended things some over the years, but, it still stings and there's still a lot of rejection on her behalf. I don't really care what she thinks even more, even though I still live at home while going to college. I love myself and I don't need her approval anymore.

But as Drea said, if you still need their approval or their support, it might not be the best idea. It really depends on your mother and her ability to cope with foreign concepts. It depends on how tolerant and understanding she is. My mother is one of the least understanding people in the world (although the last few years she has at least attempted to try and understand things before resorting to intolerance).

The only advice I can give you is, come out for yourself, don't come out for anyone else's sake. If people leave you because of this choice in your life, let them. There's no reason either one of you should be dragging the other down; them dragging you down with their negative attitude of your choice, and you dragging them down with a lifestyle they cannot cope with. It's okay to lose people on this adventure. What matters is that you do what will bring you the most happiness and best comfort of your life; whether it be transitioning for yourself, or holding back because someone else's happiness means more to you, the only person that can decide is you.

My opinion is, if your mother is struggling with the two-spirit idea (although it sounds as if you've already started her on the track of a transgendered lifestyle, yes?), then give her time and some breathing space before coming out. As for friends, I would come out to them when you feel comfortable enough to. Friends can be replaced.

[Guest Rowan19]

Hey Drea, long time no see.

I have to say I wish I could have done my coming out with my mother a bit better. We were going on our daily walk together, it was snowing outside, and I was sobbing to myself because my brother and sister-in-law just announced they were going to finally have a baby, and I was overwrought with grief over fear of being called an 'aunt' rather than 'uncle'. I had only been out as a transman to myself and my girlfriend for about a year at this point, and hadn't come out to anyone else at that time. But as I was sobbing she started asking questions and it just came out.

Then she told me how she'd rather have a pregnant teenage daughter instead of me as her child, and how I had ruined her entire life and her future.

We've kind of mended things some over the years, but, it still stings and there's still a lot of rejection on her behalf. I don't really care what she thinks even more, even though I still live at home while going to college. I love myself and I don't need her approval anymore.

But as Drea said, if you still need their approval or their support, it might not be the best idea. It really depends on your mother and her ability to cope with foreign concepts. It depends on how tolerant and understanding she is. My mother is one of the least understanding people in the world (although the last few years she has at least attempted to try and understand things before resorting to intolerance).

The only advice I can give you is, come out for yourself, don't come out for anyone else's sake. If people leave you because of this choice in your life, let them. There's no reason either one of you should be dragging the other down; them dragging you down with their negative attitude of your choice, and you dragging them down with a lifestyle they cannot cope with. It's okay to lose people on this adventure. What matters is that you do what will bring you the most happiness and best comfort of your life; whether it be transitioning for yourself, or holding back because someone else's happiness means more to you, the only person that can decide is you.

My opinion is, if your mother is struggling with the two-spirit idea (although it sounds as if you've already started her on the track of a transgendered lifestyle, yes?), then give her time and some breathing space before coming out. As for friends, I would come out to them when you feel comfortable enough to. Friends can be replaced.

Wow! Sounds like you had it tough man!

And I think she's starting to guess anyway; we had a fight the other night and I told her to get out of my room, she said no because I want to know what's wrong baby girl... or is it baby boy? I was in so much shock I refused to answer and told her to get out again. O.o

She's known of Rowan's existance since Jan 2011, so she's had a fair while to process the two-spirit idea. Though if this is the kind of reaction I get from mum, I wouldn't want to tell my dad or brother. BTW I don't live with them, I live with mum and her boyfriend.

[Guest seanjamie]

Just wanted to say goodluck and congrats on being closer to where you want to be in life.

~Sean

[Guest Rowan19]

Just wanted to say goodluck and congrats on being closer to where you want to be in life.

~Sean

Thanks man

[Guest Ney'ite]

...

She's known of Rowan's existance since Jan 2011, so she's had a fair while to process the two-spirit idea.

If I may just pick up on this comment, Rowan. It is very interesting to note that many Native American cultures (and perhaps other cultures around the world?) actually consider the two-spirit idea as quite special and sacred. In fact, I have read that many times someone with two spirits is often a judge within the tribal community. Why? Because they are felt to be the best qualified to judge fairly since they have both sides of the equation. Now if only we could get mainstream society to take off their blinders and stop thinking within their own close-minded box, what a wonderful day that would be!

Anyway, I just wanted to make a comment on your, well, hee hee - comment.

[Guest Rowan19]

Asked Mum to call me Rowan last night. I didn't mention the trans bit though, I said I just wanted to try it on for a bit. She said maybe... I'm not sure what that means in parent speak.

[Guest chngnwnd]

I am a parent - it means "Hmmm...I wonder what's up with that? If that's what he really wants to be called - am I so attached to his birth name it will bother me? Could just be a phase. Well, I guess I could call him that if that is what he really wants - I will probably keep forgetting but he'll get over it...at least he is not taking drugs or anything like that. Hmmmm...I wonder what chores I could get out of him in exchange for calling him that?"

hugs

Bobbi

[Guest Rowan19]

I am a parent - it means "Hmmm...I wonder what's up with that? If that's what he really wants to be called - am I so attached to his birth name it will bother me? Could just be a phase. Well, I guess I could call him that if that is what he really wants - I will probably keep forgetting but he'll get over it...at least he is not taking drugs or anything like that. Hmmmm...I wonder what chores I could get out of him in exchange for calling him that?"

hugs

Bobbi

I don't like chores.

[Guest Ney'ite]

Rowan, I think when it comes down to it, you must be true to *yourself* - not to other people or be what other people would like you to be. They are not living your life and no one else is walking in your shoes, and while many on this board share similar experiences and can understand what you are going through, as many people who do, there are the same amount of unique situations. Understanding and patience with others while they transition with you as well (yes, you are not the only one who must transition - friends/family/classmates/coworkers/etc must transition with you as well or be left behind which is their choice) is needed...but after a while there comes a point when people need to hop on board, or relinquish their seat to someone else who will.

[Guest Rowan19]

I've kinda tried to bring it up a few times with my mum, but she says she just doesn't wanna hear it. I've also taken to making a small sound of distaste every time she calls me a girl, she really hates this. Every single time I even go to mention something Rowan related she just says something along the lines of: "You're a girl! You're not a boy; you don't have a penis, you have a vagina! What would you want a penis for anyway!?" [edit] ... Is there a way to get on T without having to involve your parents?