A not so happy eye opener! :(

[Guest Elena]

Ok, so I had a doozy of a session with my GT last night. Trying very hard to process it still, hoping to get some insights here. ( as much from posting as any responses. ) Hopefuly this becomes coherent by the time I'm done.

Soooo, I've come out to most of the people I interact with regularly, and I am rapidly becoming more comfortable with presenting as myself on a daily basis. To the point I can actually see myself beginning RLE somewhere around the new year. (for me that means Samhain or November, 1st in the Old Celtic calander.) Yeah, that's right around the corner.

I had a bit of a spaz attack just before I was due to Skype with my therapist last night. I was suddenly desperate to get all done up instead of staying my everyday relaxed self. It was seriously bothering me because I know he sees the real me without all of that. Ok, what's going on? Obvious first question, a crush? Very quickly dismissed that notion, it just isn't a factor.

Flipping thru emotions now:

Just happy to see him and want to show that by looking good? Yes, but that's not the trigger.

Not feeling Dysphoric, heck I just walked into a crowded truck stop dressed all fem, unshaved. Got a nice long hot shower. Cleaned, shaved, comfortay dressed in my fav jeans, a fuscia cami tank and sandals. No makup, hair not done, and still got ma'amed when I grabbed my dinner before heading out to set up my laptop for our session.

Ok, well what is the one difference between my GT and everyone else? **Twinge** He is the only person I have ever interacted with for more than a few minutes who has always treated me as a woman. **Zing!!! Oof, punch in the gut.**

Mystery solved, but wow, I gotta talk with him about this. Eating dinner, my brain is still clattering down the tracks. Not exactly on what I think is anything related. I am suddenly thinking about my friends who I have come out to, and only one actually asked how I would prefer to be addressed. Hmm, something niggling the back of my brain... Crud, he was the only one I actually asked to address me in the feminine. Talk about setting myself up for failure!

Finished eating during the brain storm, time to call my GT! We do our initial pleasantries, tweak web cams, volume, etc. Goddess it is so nice to talk with him, there is zero shame, no filters, no urge to hide at all, and he really does see me as a woman. I can hear it in his voice, see it in his posture. He is not just being polite because he is trans also and understands what it can be like. It is genuine and unconsciously displayed in his behavior. (Crush check again? Nope, just relief and comfort.)

So I started by explaining how I had at the last minute desperately wanted to get all made up to talk to him, and where that had lead my thoughts. And about how in coming out I hadn't asked anyone but the one friend who initiated the point to address me in the feminine.

Hard question time, and dang is he good at poking just the right spot to get me thinking, even though it usually hurts a bit. Here goes, "Why do you think you left that out of all your various coming out conversations? What prevented you from asking for the one thing that is the whole central point of coming out?"

*!*!* OUCH *!*!*

Well, that took 30 minutes or so of digging. I had set myself up to feel like I was being rejected even by friends I know are cool with my transitioning, even enthusiastically supportive. All because I have expected nothing but rejection for so long. Yeah, not very logical!

And how the heck does wanting to be all made up to talk to him relate? This one was harder, and we poked around until I ran into some internal interference. Scattered flashes of childhood memories. "What are those flashes of? Just grab onto one of them and we'll work from there." So I did, I grabbed that memory of one of my sisters friends and halloween when I was 15. But I got a whole lot more of that chain of memories than I have let myself remember in 20 years. She tried to help me a whole lot more than I have realized, but I wasn't ready then.

Well, ran out of time for our session right about there, but not before my GT commented that he wouldn't push amd poke me so hard if he didn't see that I am so resilient. That I can handle the poking and use the pain to help me grow. A very high complement I hope I can live up to.

I hadn't gotten to the last part of that memory with my GT however and it's been eating at me. The wonderful young lady who tried so hard to help me back then went away to college and I never heard from her again. My first memory of someone who accepted me and tried to be supportive abandoned me just when I was getting close to opening up enough to really let her in. Ohh, I know now she really didn't abandon me. It was simply a case of life moving on for her, but that is what I felt back then. And the fear of that happening again was unconsciously keeping me from opening up completely to my friends by making that request from people who are already supportive and making me want to try to impress my GT.

So I have been mourning a huge opportunity lost years ago, and railing at myself for wasting numerous similar opportunities in the very recent past. At least with my friends now, it is not too late. I can and will ask them for that little bit of extra support that means so much. I don't have to hold that fear of abandonment anymore. My friends now have been there through thick and thin, pain and joy, some have even been to war with me, literally hell and back again. They are still there for me and with me, I know that nothing in this world will change that!

So now that I am a ball of tears again, I know I need to show my friends the loyalty, respect and trust they have shown me, by actually asking them to address me as I truly am. And not break their trust by setting them up to inadvertantly hurt me. I know none of them would intentionally do so.

Tears and huggs,

Elena

[Guest ignota]

Thank you for posting this Elena. It's made me think of things i need to think about more fully. I'm glad you had this realisation now than later or not at all, for you.

[Guest]

Hi Elena,

Thank you for sharing this story! I think it will touch a chord with many of us.

And your GT is right, you seem to have that resilience to process this information and make the most of it.

All the best to you!

Love, Megan

[~Nova~]

I used to do the same thing, dress for my GT appt. My roomie used to think I had a crush on my GT. It wasn't a crush, I needed to show him I was really female. Duh!

Good luck with everything. You will work it out.

Autumn

[Guest Shari]

Hi Elena,

My GT also has a talent for pulling things out to the surface.

Your post is so helpful. I am quite a ways behind you and will keep your experience with your friends in mind.

Thanks so much.

Shari

[Guest Elena]

Well, I have an update on this one...

I have over the last two days been thoroughly chewed out by about half of my friends for not asking them to address me in the feminine, and use my new name. Most of them thought I was giving them a heads up but wasn't ready to have them call me by my new name and pronouns because I didn't ask when I came out to them.

I feel thoroughly sheepish now.

<3

Elena

[Guest]

Hi Elena,

Don't feel bad! It's one of those rough patches of transition. You don't want people using the wrong name around others who aren't aware - makes for touchy going.

I'd told people to address me by my male name unless I was dressed femme, and told them that they'd know when the time came to drop that old name. But that didn't work too well either, since I hear my old name too often nowadays...

In a few years, this will all be history (or I'll be to senile to care)!

Love, Megan

[Guest Elena]

Megan,

I totally understand if it were an issue of how I was presenting, but 95% of my interaction with my friends is on the phone because I am on the road all the time. So presentation isn't really an issue.

Not that I really present male except around my daughters for parenting reasons right now, and extended family I haven't come out to yet, and I don't actually see them but once or twice a year.

<3

Elena

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Elena:

Look, babes, you're cool!

Your gender therapist is The Bomb! Duded's doin' his job and doin' it well and right. He's right, by the way, you CAN take it! Remember, he's trans too, and is most likely way smart, because most transguys are. I love 'em myself. Rock on, transdudes! Seriously, girl, he's doing you a service. This is catharsis, girl, and it's cool.

Your friends who gave you heck for NOT asking to be called Elena? Sister, they're totally on board with you! If you get ma'am-ed alot already, dang! Go with the flow, girl! Heck, I never get that, and I'm 2 years on hormone replacement therapy in December ... not that far away. You're a natural! Dig it, accept it, get into it!

Finally, I'm just vainglorious and egotistical enough to consider myself your friend, and I totally accept you. Sorry we couldn't do the face-to-face trip a while back, honestly. Circumstances. When you truck by The People's Republic again sometime, and I'm sure you will, let's give 'er another go! Persistence!

Elena, your therapist is good! Keep 'em, ya know? Just my opinion.

Heck, girl, once you're on HRT for a while, other truckers are gonna side-by-side you on the highway, radio you and say something like:

"Breaker, breaker, sugar booger, make my day!"

Think it ain't gonna happen? * Wink! * * Wink! *

Shine, babes, shine! Lacey Lynne (HSTOLP) (Hunter S. Thompson of Laura's Playground)

[Guest Elena]

Lacey Baby,

No you aren't presuming anything! And bet your sweet patootie we are gonna cash in that rain-check. More than once!

Heck to the yeah, I'm keeping my GT. He's absolutely tha bomb!

Yahyah, I seriously earned the scoldings, and my friends are all mucho cool froods.

And passing? Well, I was gonna start a new thread but yeah, I realized this evening I have only been sir'd once in the last three days... Have had at least a half dozen guys double check the restroom door when I walked out as they were walking into the mens room. Heck one guy jumped to open the bathroom door for me from inside then double checked it after he walked out. Umm, yeah. Think it's time to start using the ladies room! Really don't want some trucker to think I am a truckstop prostitute. That would be very bad!

okok, I get it! Things moving so fast I'm just having trouble keeping up with myself.

<3

Elena

[Guest Teacy]

Wow Elena, I hope my GT turns out half as good as yours!

Great story. It made me tear up and laugh at the same time.

~Teacy