Starting on my own:(

[Guest Adi]

My name is Adi and i am 30 years old.I am from Romania,and i am so sorry if i am yet "another one" who "bugs" you about doing it alone.I just wish to do this for me,as i have lived so much for everybody else i know,but for me.I have read another post here about taking hormones but noy wanting a full transition.This is what i want.Not because i wouldn't love to go all the way,but it's just i will never be able to do it here.I work as a bartender,i am one of "the guys",and for everybody else..i am the same.But i would like to take it slowely and do something about me,taking the lowest doses for few years,maybe they will have some effect without enyone else noticeing,and if the changes do notice..no problem.I just wish i do it the safest i can...wich everybody will tell is not safe without a doctor.BUt i will do it,just hope for advices.

I know this is not the "good way",i know this is not the safe way,but as i bet you have heard before,"this is my only way".From geographic position,to past experiences with doctors

and all up to certain family and monden circumstances i have decided to try this on my own,and i wish i could do it the safest as one single person can do it.

I am a little shamed do write this here,because so many of you (as i read on forums) have started beeing on hormones with proper medical "attention" and with family knowledge.I know

how dangerous this is to do alone,and i know 100% of you wich read this will be against my decision,however i am determined to start this on my own,the safest i can and with little

knowledege i have from the internet.

I am 30 years old,maybe too old to start on hormones and have good results,but i am eager to start this on my own,to do one thing in my life that is for me ,not for others.I have no ideea where this will lead me,i just feel i have to take this step.I have tried herbal hormones 2 years ago,and it was just a waste of money and TIME,took them for almost 2 years

(ofcourse they were not herbal hormones intended for trans,as you can't find enything here intended for that purpose).

I know self medicating is the worst way to do this and can lead to DEATH(liver complications,heart strokes, etc),but i will strat doing it ,in the safest way possible and with the most little amount of hormones .

i have commed about on internet on this "program": <<Link removed>> ; ,page A-3.,meaning taking Estrace(estrofem here),

spironolactone and finasteride(proscar).I would like to start on the lowest possible doses, couse i am not eager for fast results at all,meaning 2-3 years,and i wonder if taking the minimum dosage of this meds will have eny impact on my body.

I also know that where i am now i won't ever be able to live my life as i would want,i can't even dream of a at least 10% attitude change for people like me in the next couple of years.

But i know sooner or later i will leave this Far Far Away land,and i dream that by 40 i will live another life,a life i want to live.( i have had one serious suicide attempt with

pills,broke my wrist and ankle-they are as new now-,and when they asked me what happened,i told them i didn't feel good about my body-in the med papers they said i don't have a good

psihycal shape,calcium in bones....etc).I never said a word and was glad with their diagnosis wich they blamed on football.

But that is all to the past,i have gone over the sadness of what i am not,and "i am now" on the happy feeling that i will do someting about my situation.

I would really appreiate it if somebody who has gone under the experience of hormones could help me and tell me if the doses here:

<< Link Removed>> are safe.

What should i start on with the max safety?

I am sorry about my english and i am sorry if i "mumbled too much",but i would really appreciate eny help in this.

Doing it alone is hard,ut i will do it couse i have to.

Adi.

Edited September 27, 2011 by JaniceW
Links removed as they are a PDF that lists dosing recommendations.

[Guest JaniceW]

Adi,

I fully empathize with your situation and truly am sad for you. At Laura's we have a rule of not discussing doses of medications. We are not doctors or therapists and we cannot give medical advice. The ONLY safe way to use hormones or antiandrogen medications is under a physician's supervision. To have any level of safety it is necessary to have blood tests regularly reviewed to ensure that the drugs are working properly. Getting that blood work done requires a doctor, and interpreting the results of those tests also needs a very high level of education so even if one could figure out how to get the blood tests without a doctor the results would be of no value unless you had someone to interpret them for you.

While we cannot help you in your endeavor to treat yourself with hormones we can support you in your emotional journey and give you a place to talk about anything else.

[JenniferB]

Hi Adi,

I am sorry you are having so much trouble. Here is a site that should help.

http://www.tgsupport.ro

Please don't self medicate. There are members here who can tell you stories here of death or disability caused by self-medicating.

{{{Hugs }}}

Jenny

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Adi,

Welcome to Laura's it is nice to see you here.

I understand what you want to do but please don't do it without supervision. To be honest I don't think there is such a thing as a small dose to make only partial or slow changes. How we will react to hormones is going to be different for each person. This is why you need to be under the care of a medical doctor who can monitor you with frequent blood tests to monitor both your male and female hormone levels.

Mia

[Guest Adi]

Thank you so much for your answers and i really appreciate your care for others of the same kind.Although i am a stranger here i still got responses wich means a lot to me...

It's difficult for me do do this alone and i understand that it's not safe At All,but i want to do this for me,couse all my life i lived for others.But also my life right now depends on "others",wich have no way of understanding this,if enyone finds out..life is over here(you've heard this all before i know..but this is Romania,there is no acceptance ).

I have plans of going abroad,live this place(Romania s*ks,1st place in Europe at corruption,it's not at all what you see on TV,it's worst),but i have no ideea when my plans will materialise,so untill then..i don't want to waste time ,and i don't want to lose my faith in life again.

[Guest Adi]

I just seeked advice from one of the "leaders" of the transvestite and trans(zero) comunity here in my town,Timisoara,one of the most important towns in Romania(it's here that the anti comunism revolution started and it has always been one of the most west orientated towns in Romania).I told her("she" looks really good en femme) i want to join the trans/trave comunity in town,start to know others,learn from them,the goods and the bads.There is one club here where they gather,but she said clearly,you are not girl material.That if i would get in there dressed as a girl,i would do it on my own risk,and right now i feel like dieing.So much discrimination among "our own kind". FRom what i was told...if you don't look good as a girl you should never go there dressed as one,just go as a gay boy .There is no comunity here,no help i can get from this "non existant group".

I can't understand why someone like me wouldn't be accepted,here it's like a more drag queen contest all the time,if i am not good looking as a woman...then no way for acceptence .And i know i tried this because everybody says self medication is wrong,wich it is.

I have been talking to myself forever,and i wish i knew me better some years ago,but there is no time to mourn now.I know i am still living in a shell,but outside my own won't even consider me,except i became a gay boy.I don't want that ,and when i told abaout finasteride and sprinonolactone and estrofem,"she" said...let's see where you get that from...

I just hate that i am like this,and that i care too much for others then for me.I need to find a way to appologize to my family and others if enything wrong happenes when i start doing it on my own.

[Guest Adi]

HOw can i delete my post here?

I took your advice and searched for some medic.After mailing 12 endo in my town,and getting some responses like..."not in my competence"," i can't help you",somebody finally said he would see me,but also this is very new realm for him . Also mailed the Accept Foundation in Romania and they told me also there is no transfriendly endocrinologist in Timisoara,just one in Bucharest wich they colaborate with .

[Carolyn Marie]

Adi, I'm not sure which post you want to delete or why. There is nothing wrong with any of your posts.

If you have found an endocrinologist at least willing to help, you may be able to help him by researching online and obtaining the Standards of Care, and information about the proper blood tests, dosages, and the different testosterone blockers and hormones that are commonly used. There are some differences between drugs used in the west and in Europe. We cannot give that kind of information here, but they are easily available on the Web.

Stick with us Adi, and don't give up. The other missing piece is gender therapy, which really is important to ensure that you are ready for the changes you would undergo with HRT. It is more than just wanting to feminize yourself, much more, and you need proper guidance. I urge you to try and find someone qualified to help.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Sascha]

Hi Adi, I hope you are doing ok?

Well, starting low or too high are both dangerous and might even affect your results in a negative way, see, the body is in homeostasis. When you start taking hormones the homeostasis is altered and the body will start all sorts of mechanisms to retain the previous homeostasis. So what needs to happen is that a doctor gives you just the right amount to overcome but but completely overwhelm the balance in the body. It's really tricky if you don't know what you are doing. For example, you could be allergic to spironolactone, even on a very low dosage. You need a lot of blood tests, bone test and a general medical analysis before even considering this. And you are not too old, but you know, if you do it you might die young. That's reality. It's your choice of course. And if you do it, please let a doctor assist you in doing the blood tests.

X

Sasha

[Guest Adi]

It seems a little strange,i found this endo on some old lists of doctors,he was the only one who replied me after mailing many,but i found no records of him on google,so i mailed him at what clinic we will meet.Since then..no answer.Maybe my mistake(or not) was asking him where he worked in the past years.Maybe i am just paranoic,but we are to meet Tuesday at a local cofee shop and i am so excited about this.

Enyway,i can't belive after all this months mailing endocrinologists,i got only one positive answers,and two negatives..I feel like a virus,it's like i have some plague.But i understand this also as romanian medical service is in colapse and all meds have gone abroad,and the ones who are still here have a salary of 200 euros.Romania is number one at corruption in EU (we don't deserve to be here) and i understand why all good meds went abroad,and i bet that if i mentioned in my mails that i would pay good (in my dreams)i would have gotten a lot of answers,but,at some point,i understand them all.

Let's just see what happens...

[Guest Adi]

The one who approved to see me was a big joke(for him),he hasn't even finished medical university,no degree.

Lately i've been also trying to get some psi counseling,i've found someone from the ACCEPT foundation in Romania..but only over the phone,as she is in Bucharest ,i think it is not working couse i want face to face sessions,i don't know why but in the past months there hasn't been a day without crying,and it's really hard at work,even my gf said.."adi,everyone can see that you have been crying in the bathroom again:(".

Just some questions now fror my personal knowledge.

1. Does feminization of the face really occurs when on hormones and is it noticeble?I mean let's say that someone goes HRT but still lives as a man,when would the changes be so visible that you can't hide them no more?(meaning face-and what is the hormone that acts mostly for face feminization).

2."Chicks with d...ks".. is that real? I mean just type that on google and they appear to have their "twitty" fully functional ..how is that? Can you be on HRT and still maintain "it" functional?

3.Some of the stories i read were about people on HRT and still living as a man after 15 months of HRT.Wouldn't their breast have grown so they are noticeble after this period of time?How can they hide that,can one be on HRT and not grow breast so they can still hide untill they have the posibility to "go out"?

Sorry if my questions are stupid.

Adi.

[Guest Sascha]

Adi, in my country (Holland) pretty much all doctors are not trained in GID. I've had a terrible time with my doctor, and I even thought about ending it all because of the lack of care. We're exceptional. People just don't understand us, even doctors do not understand it. But we have some luck. We live in this time were we can get help. 20 to 30 years ago transgenders were thrown in jail just because of cross-dressing, 60 years back we ended up as medical experiments and some of us were given electro shocks in German death-camps. So, how difficult our lives are, we should also realize that we live in an age where it is possible for us to be who we are, more than ever.

To answer a couple of your questions:

1. Does feminization of the face really occurs when on hormones and is it noticeble?I mean let's say that someone goes HRT but still lives as a man,when would the changes be so visible that you can't hide them no more?(meaning face-and what is the hormone that acts mostly for face feminization).

Eventually yes. But it takes time.

2."Chicks with d...ks".. is that real? I mean just type that on google and they appear to have their "twitty" fully functional ..how is that? Can you be on HRT and still maintain "it" functional?

Yes. that is possible. Even a little testosterone will let everything function as normal. Some trans with low libido can take a tiny amount of T to gain libido again.

3.Some of the stories i read were about people on HRT and still living as a man after 15 months of HRT.Wouldn't their breast have grown so they are noticeble after this period of time?How can they hide that,can one be on HRT and not grow breast so they can still hide untill they have the posibility to "go out"?

Depends on how much the breasts grow. It can take a long time (read: years). I have a large chest with an A+ but it is barely visible because of the wide chest. For breast to become really visible I would need at least a large B possibly a C.

[Guest Adi]

Thank you so much Sascha ,i realise i might have asked some stupid and silly questions,but thank you again,it means a lot to me.