Desiree's Dreams

[Guest Desiree G]

I was born Joe, and that's what I've went by for pretty much my entire life. While I was able to get by and be more-or-less accepted, I was never comfortable with myself and never had anyone I could talk to about it.

I knew from my earliest memories that I wasn't a typical boy. I know some would call it a phase, I know my mother did, but I liked playing dress-up, I liked playing with dolls, and in a bubblebath I'd be wearing a soapy-sudsy bikini. It was about the only time I was comfortable.

It helped me some that I didn't look all that boyish as a kid. I was confused for a girl a lot for most of my earlier years, and that made me happy. Time came, though, that I had to drop it. I was getting closer to puberty, and the stereotypes of what accounts for manly behavior were being pushed on me more and more. I was never good at manly behavior, and I'm still not.

I'm bad in a fight, and prefer to avoid them altogether. I'm no good with drinking. I've never stood up to do my business. Even as a kid, if I had a preference, I'd use the women's room for it, as long as I wasn't being watched by my parents. It's stuck even now.

Simply said, it's never been in me to be who I'm not, and yet I've had to for so long. I wish I'd looked for some support sooner, but I was always convinced I was pretty well alone. The only references I had to what being transgendered meant was in movies, both mainstream and off-color. I wasn't pretty like that, my voice was too deep, I had body hair.

I spent a great deal of my teenage years depressed over it. I was always surrounded by the more bigoted examples of Christianity since that was how my hometown was. Even now, having moved out, I'm still in a very close-minded area. I've made one great friend in both cities, and even though I could trust my life in their hands, I can't open up to them in this manner.

That's not who they know, that's not what they want to know.

It's not that I blame them or my family or anyone. I know it's how they were raised, and with time the attitude should diminish. I'm always happy when I see more and more stories of successfully coming out, or getting over an initially-poor response to it. I don't know if I'm ready to take that step yet.

That's eventually going to have to happen, though. I'm finding it harder and harder to go through each day like this. I can't even imagine myself as I am anymore. I only see Desiree. When I dream, when I plan my days, or when I just lose myself in idle fantasy, it's Desiree. Really, it always has been. I've never mentally pictured myself as I was physically born.

I've started suspecting it to be what's always haunted my love-life as well. As attractive as I find girls, I've never been able to get close to them. Even a hug pushes what I'm comfortable with. I feel like I'm letting them fall for an image that I don't want them to have. Love has always been fruitless.

In the last couple of years I found a small haven in role-playing games. Titles like the Elder Scrolls series, or online text worlds (MUSHes, usually), gave me the opportunity to play in a virtual world as I desired to live in the real one. Even if it was just a fictional medium, it gave me an escape to myself. No real relief after it was over, but for an hour or two at a time, I was no longer hiding.

I want to make it a reality though. I live in a bad area for support, thankfully I'm preparing to move. It'll be further from the only therapists I see in Kentucky, but I'll be closer to some in Ohio. Now that I've found this site and the resources for therapy, maybe I can start being me.

I can have the dolls I loved. I can dress up how I want. I can buy dresses, for that matter. I don't want to get ahead of myself, finances are going to be tough for awhile, but I'm really feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel now.

I don't know if this counts as a biography or not, but I knew it was going to be long, and it was going to be about a lot of what I've lived with. I feel stupid for not looking for support like this sooner. It was even just an accident that I found it to begin with. An accident, but a good one.

I just don't know what else to say, or really where to start. There's so much here that I could've used a long time ago, and it's like I'm catching up on a lot.

I know I said this before, but thank you all for this place.

[VickySGV]

A lot of our biographies read about the same as yours. Little details about names and times, and geo places aren't quite the same, but its a story that needs more telling and acceptance. You are qualified as one of the group, enjoy it.

[Guest Desiree G]

Thanks. The biggest part for me was just being able to say it at all. It's been a long time coming and it's like a big load off my chest to get it out, even online.

[Guest Lilith]

It is a one strange feeling... All my life growing up I always thought of my self as a weirdo, different from anyone else...

But now, as I have been reading all these stories from all the different people, one after another, they all feel strangely

soo incredibly familiar, it just feels unreal...

I don't usually know my emotions very well, and I suppose I don't really know now either, but just now as I was reading

through your post, I felt this slight warmth and as if there were tears coming and smiled a little. I don't know if that was

happiness but it was a strange nice feeling...

[Michelle 2010]

Feeling a part of... rather than apart from....

Its nice isn't it? Its nice knowing you are not alone...

Huggs

Michelle

[Guest Krisina]

Welcome to Lauras Desiree G.

You gave a good introduction about yourself.

I can relate to some of your experiences growing up. It's hard when confused, not quite feeling right, feeling like the oddball. Basically things don't match.

You will find plenty of support info and supportive people here at Lauras.

Krisina

[Guest Desiree G]

I can't say this enough yet. Thank you all so much! I've had trouble stopping smiling since yesterday.

And Lilith, I just had a similar response to reading your post. If I have any good impact then I am glad to help.

[Guest Svenna]

Desiree,

Welcome, sister, welcome...

I too share much of your story. We are certainly not alone!

Love and realization, Svenna

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Desiree,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna