I was seeing a drink as a reward and had to change before it was too late.

[Guest Sarahwr]

Hi.

I won't profess to be an alchololic, thank heavens, but perhaps my recent experience may ring bells for others in similar circumstances.

My drinking was usually for enjoyment on an evening just before my main meal.

After a hard and satisfying days work, whether at home or in employment, I would have a couple of small drinks as a reward. I associated these drinks with getting myself cleaned up and becoming Sarah.

I would go into the bathroom with my drink and enjoy it while I was shaving and showering and dressing.

Then I began to realise it was happening every day at about the same time and I began to get concerned.

I was also a little shocked at the blood vessels that were appearing on my nose and it is hard enough for me to accept what I look like without adding to my impression.

I had to recognise I had to break the habit. So I changed from an alchololic drink to a cup of coffee or tea. I'm hooked on those now:-).

The important thing from my point of view is identifying I might just have been on a slippery slope.

Regards,

Sarahw

[Guest ignota]

I don't drink at all (not saying that's the best way to do anything, but it's how I do things), so I don't know... but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you do exactly this and change it

[Guest]

Hi Sarah,

Good thinking! Tea is a great change of pace, especially now that the weather is turning colder.

For me, it's that 10pm glass of wine. Nothing else is appealing and I ease into the night's sleep with it. Occasionally I skip it, but not very often. It does bother me that it's a habit, even if a tiny one. I suppose it's time for a change...

Thank you for the reminder!

Love, Megan

[VickySGV]

"Alcohol, cunning, devious and deadly" words out of AA tradition to describe the power it has on people when it starts. While YOU can manage the alcohol, things are ok, its when the ALCOHOL starts managing you that it is a life threatening demon. The danger of using alcohol as a reward to yourself is that in time the reward becomes a Right, that you will have no matter what. A greater reward is sought, and will be found, but it may be a larger quantity of alcohol more often than not, or alcohol and drugs.. At some point, it is no longer a right either, it becomes a need. Thats when it becomes life threatening.

Sarah and Meg, I am delighted to hear that you can manage the alcohol, I sure wish I could, but even without it causing the trouble for you that it does for others, the nice hot tea sure sounds good. There are so many nice flavors and using your nose as well as taste is a big part of the enjoyment. .

[Guest Sarahwr]

Hi.

I hope my initial post didn't come across as "holier than thou" because it wasn't meant that way.

More of a warning to myself as to what could easily happen.

All I was doing was to explain how I felt after realising my "reward" was going to become a "right" for the occassions when I hadn't actually earned it.

I fear I am not the strongest willed character and must be especially hard on myself if I am not going to fall into the trap.

My tea and coffee consumption always was very high so I have added to my trips to the loo:-)

I only have non-alcholic drinks when we go out for a meal but this has as much to do with our drink driving laws than anything.

Best wishes,

Sarahw

[Guest]

Hi Sarah,

I read your initial post exactly as you explained - not to worry!

For me, being out is more dangerous than being at home. Social drinking is such a norm that it's hard to avoid. And being fully out now, all of the self-indulgences that I've missed while in the closet are so attractive! But, don't need new bad habits!!!

Do take care,

Love, Megan

[VickySGV]

Sarah: :thumbsup:

[Michelle 2010]

The main AA book says that in the life of every alcoholic probably existed a time when he had the ability to stop on his own, but that when he recognizes the problem it is invariably too late to quit without assistance. Certainly that was my case... The issue for me was that I could never achieve the sense of comfort and ease that alcohol gave me without using alcohol.to do it. It gave me peace, a sense of completeness, a confidence to be spontaneously fun and funny, and it eliminated self doubt. It made me "whole". It did for me what I couldn't do for myself. For many alcoholics of my type, alcohol isn't the problem, its the solution, for alcoholism can exist before the first drink is taken. If who I am on the inside can only be "aligned" with who I am on the outside by drinking, there's a problem... It made me comfortable in my own skin in a way nothing else could.

Anyone who has navigated the trans journey without becoming an addict along the way is someone who is kind of like from another planet to me, lol! It was so easy to get relief from myself by taking a drink.... Truly a complex subject with a lot of luck, decision making, genetics, and maybe karma(?) involved. Thank goodness I found a solution to

alcoholism that works as well as alcohol did

(Btw, I'm posting this description of alcoholism for the benefit of other readers who may wonder, not because I think the OP or any others posting on the topic need to hear it.)

Best wishes to all

Michelle

[Guest Sarahwr]

I succombed to a drink tonight after a few days when I hadn't bothered.

It was a reward for some manual work I had to do. I was very pleased with having moved a ton of shingle for the garden that I felt I had earned it.

It did make me feel better, although with a slight headache and as you say it brings out a personality that would otherwise stay hidden beneath my haughty exterior.

It can also make me slightly reckless which is very bad indeed.

They say all it needs is will power.........

Sarahw

[Guest mia 1]

Will Power is great to have...drinking a glass of wine before and during your dressing seems O K....but where the problem was for me, I would dress and then drink and look at the lip stick on the rim of the glass and decide it looked so feminine I would have another drink...etc, and you get the idea..light headed to tipsy to looped..

I saw that danger, and thought what do I like best? Getting loaded? or Being Mia.....

I chose Mia...and what a wise decision that was...

Age has its benefits..

Nice of you to post these thoughts....

We are lucky not to have the inclination of a down ward spiralling life...

[Guest Sarahwr]

Just to take this a stage further if I may.

I am afraid I could end up drinking too much! The other evening I had a glass of sherry and poured another. Half way through the second glass I looked at my self and was concerned.

The half full glass was put in the cupbord along with the half full bottle.

A short time later I resolved to pour the glass away, instead I poured it back into the bottle?

I was going to pour the whole bottle away but instead have put it away in the hope that I can resist having any more knowing that it I poured it away there would not be the temptation for me to overcome. (Hope that makes sense?)

Now with Christmas fast approaching I have to make it known that drink is not on my wants list.

I know how much I enjoy a drink especially at home. The only way I can see me overcoming the temptation is to have some drink around to remind me that I must not have any.

Does this sound as if I could be on a possible road to alchoholism?

Best wishes,

Sarahw

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Anyone who has navigated the trans journey without becoming an addict along the way is someone who is kind of like from another planet to me, lol!

I gave up drinking when I started truck driving, as the laws for DUI in a commercial vehicle are much more stringent than cars. (.04 I think is the limit) Seeing that I valued my career more than that drink, it was something I had to let go. I used to be a social drinker, and a good one at that! After not having alcohol for months, the desire for it really waned. Now when I come home for a few days, I *might* have a drink but most likely I won't. The ability to have one is there, as there is a 7-11 right up the street within walking distance, but the desire is no longer there. I might cave in and get a beer but it's rare. It just doesn't do anything for me anymore so why waste the money on it?

Oh another thing that really drove the point home was seeing one of my mom's friends really ruin her life due to alcoholism. As much as she (my mom) tried to help her and check her in to hospital after hospital each time her friend had blood alcohol poisioning, it really killed any desire to want to have any drink because I didn't want to end up like that.

[Guest mia 1]

Well honestly neither of us being teens or young adults...and from my experiences with friends...if you ain’t an abuser by this time...the chances are you won’t be one till your dying day..

And by the way, have you ever binged and got loaded and then not consume alcohol for weeks afterwards...I have done that...and I’ve talked to AA people and they said...”this is not even close to alcoholism,”

So I would say fear not...and have that occasional drink....and enjoy it....you are not an alcoholic...

I am not the definitve source...but this is my opinion thru life’s experiences...and nothing more...

Good Luck and worry about something else...like the upcoming Christmas season....

Which is always full of danger, especially for people who are alone...and not sure of who “WE ARE”....there are always doubts for the gender dysphoric... Trust me on that, I am an expert on D-O-U-B-T

[Guest toni2007]

Well honestly neither of us being teens or young adults...and from my experiences with friends...if you ain’t an abuser by this time...the chances are you won’t be one till your dying day..

And by the way, have you ever binged and got loaded and then not consume alcohol for weeks afterwards...I have done that...and I’ve talked to AA people and they said...”this is not even close to alcoholism,”

So I would say fear not...and have that occasional drink....and enjoy it....you are not an alcoholic...

I am not the definitve source...but this is my opinion thru life’s experiences...and nothing more...

Good Luck and worry about something else...like the upcoming Christmas season....

Which is always full of danger, especially for people who are alone...and not sure of who “WE ARE”....there are always doubts for the gender dysphoric... Trust me on that, I am an expert on D-O-U-B-T

I am Technical by trade and nature, and notice that definitions make a serious impact on this issue: particularly, what constitutes "abuser" and what constitutes "alcoholic" or "alcoholism". Are we using our own definitions, or someone else's? For example "...if you ain’t an abuser by this time... " In whose judgement are we deciding what is an abuser? The fact the question comes up is evidence of doubt on the asker's part, (Sarahwr's reference to alcoholism), so by what do we judge, our own standard, Sarahwr's or a third party, i.e. AA? From my own experience, if your looking outward for confirmation on something this personal, your already internally confirmed what your asking: you just don't accept it. Seeking external confirmation allows us to avoid responsibilty to reconcile the "abuser" side, and the "abused" side by stonewalling the one that is not conforming to the outside definion.

I believe the same can be said for "alcoholic" or "alcoholism". Do we use a personal definition, a medical definition, AA's or some other social definition? From my experience, does an AA member telling me I'm alcoholic make me so? Does one telling me I'm not, mean I'm not? What I believe is important is to ask myself, "What do I feel I am?" And do so honestly; looking at myself from both how I feel and how I act.

I hope I have not confused the issue here, but don't look outside, when the answer lies within.

Toni

[VickySGV]

Being an Alcoholic to me is a decision by the person who accepts that they are powerless over alcohol and requires the help of others and a higher power to regain control of their lives.

Being an abuser is more complex, and is something other people apply to you. Its a decision that is independent of what you think you are doing, and abuse has a whole long list of its components. The list gets pretty long and pretty gruesome on what constitutes an abuser. You can be an abuser without being an Alcholic, and a whole lot of people are.

Having multiple DUI's, Having a weak bank account because you spend the major part of your budget on booze (the DA wants you for past due child support for that reason). Being unable to function on a job because of a liquid lunch. Ruining social relations left and right when your breath is strong enough to fell a horse at 30 paces. Losing your kids to the county because they did not attend school while you were drinking. Losing your kids to the authorities because they were drunk at school. Losing your wife because she drove with you when you were drunk and died when you hit a fire engine head on. This is only the beginning too,

In my AA circle, if we tell someone they will never be an Alcholic, its not a good thing, we mean they are just not going to get real and start breaking the abuse cycle. Hey, the judge doesn't know much does he or she??

Can you use alcohol and act completely responsible with your life?? My hat is off to you. You are not an abuser. Your life, unlike mine, is not out of control, but a higher power in your life may just be why!! You will not need to be an Alcoholic to make sense of your life, but others like me need it to make sense of ours.

[Guest mia 1]

Being an Alcoholic to me is a decision by the person who accepts that they are powerless over alcohol and requires the help of others and a higher power to regain control of their lives.

Being an abuser is more complex, and is something other people apply to you. Its a decision that is independent of what you think you are doing, and abuse has a whole long list of its components. The list gets pretty long and pretty gruesome on what constitutes an abuser. You can be an abuser without being an Alcholic, and a whole lot of people are.

Having multiple DUI's, Having a weak bank account because you spend the major part of your budget on booze (the DA wants you for past due child support for that reason). Being unable to function on a job because of a liquid lunch. Ruining social relations left and right when your breath is strong enough to fell a horse at 30 paces. Losing your kids to the county because they did not attend school while you were drinking. Losing your kids to the authorities because they were drunk at school. Losing your wife because she drove with you when you were drunk and died when you hit a fire engine head on. This is only the beginning too,

In my AA circle, if we tell someone they will never be an Alcholic, its not a good thing, we mean they are just not going to get real and start breaking the abuse cycle. Hey, the judge doesn't know much does he or she??

Can you use alcohol and act completely responsible with your life?? My hat is off to you. You are not an abuser. Your life, unlike mine, is not out of control, but a higher power in your life may just be why!! You will not need to be an Alcoholic to make sense of your life, but others like me need it to make sense of ours.

WHEW! Great definition....so someone who can enjoy alcohol and get a bit tipsy now and then...but keeps their life in order...and a good job etc..is not an alcoholic...but what about the functioning alcoholic....like the CEO of a Fortune 500...who keeps the corporation going...and his family intact...and balances his millions of dollars..but can’t live without a bottle of Vodka in the drawer..?

It seems there is no line seperating alcoholics from non alcoholics...

I guess you need to look at and inside yourself and say.”Yes I am, or no I’m not....

A comples subject and are there any real answers.....One can only hope..

[Guest mia 1]

So I guess you can say Alcoholism is as undefined as gender dysphoria.....a mystery,, why and why not....It happens to some and to others it just doesn’t seem part of their life.....

[Guest Lauren~]

I like to drink every now and then, to help me not to worry so much about what's going on around me and just relax, oblivious to everything. I'm not concerned about it at all.

[Guest Sarahwr]

Thank you all for your contrubutions.

It was the fact of suddenly realising I was having a drink as a reward as opposed to just accepting I had done a good job.

Consuming alchohol does make a difference to your personality.

I found it raised my confidence and when I used to attend Sales Meetings especially in the evenings I was always far more outgoing after a couple of drinks than before I had them.

I began this topic with the idea of expressing what I felt could be a pathway to drinking more. Especially when I was having a drink for apparently no reason other than to change my persona.

It was more about me and the type of person I am.

You see, I am the sort of person who is either black or white. The way I cope with, for example drinking, or even I may say sex, is to go 100% off it and not to have anything around that might just lead me back into doing it.

There is no compromise for me because I think I have a weak personality so must over compensate in everything I do.

My bucket is always either overflowing or completely empty there is no middle way.

I have to jump into things whole heartedly or not at all.

Hence embrassing my gender uncertainty has lead me to become Sarah:-) because as a male I just wasn't contented with my life.

As Sarah I have become and am fulfilled in my new gender role.

Best wishes,

Sarahw

[Guest Carrie7676]

I love my Wine but I don't drink everyday, once you have acquired a taste for fine wine a bottle with a loved one on the weekend or after a fine dinner to me is no problem, having said that I clearly recognize that there are some people who should NOT drink, like my dear friend Stephanie, Lord I love here but she drank like a sailor, actually I seen her out drink one lol, and we had to put her to bed a few times, all in fun you know, I would tell her being Post Op as she was that it wasn't becoming as a girl, but she would settle down for a few weeks and the there we were having to carry her to bed, But I love her still as we all do.