This isn't normal, is it?

[Guest Starlight53a]

I very frequently get myself high by drinking cough syrup (containing dextromethorphan and/or diphenhydramine, not codeine). I do it nearly every day I'm at school, and sometimes on weekends, too. I keep trying to talk myself out of doing it but it won't work. I even got high on my birthday, and now I don't remember most of what happened that day! D:

And then there are days when I decide that I definitely won't do it, but then I do. Today was one of them, I had this fight with myself and then I did it in the end.

I've been doing this nearly every day since September 3rd, and before that I did it at least twice a week from around January to April. I had to try and stop three times before I managed, and that didn't even last long.

I don't know if that means I have a problem or not. I'm not doing anything illegal, and nothing bad has happened as a result of it yet, though I am getting slightly lower grades than I used to.

I keep getting these random realizations, where I'm just like "Wow, this is actually happening to me. I'm actually getting myself high with drugs, and this is real and not fictional or imaginary!" or when I'm like "Maybe needing to drink half a bottle of cough syrup every day before school isn't normal."

But then other times I'm just like "This is the best thing in the world! How could I ever even think about not doing it?"

So I don't know if I'm looking for advice or help or what. I am not going to tell my parents, by the way. No matter what, I'm not going to tell them, so don't tell me to do that. And I can't talk to any teachers in school, or the nurse or counselor, because they'd tell my mum and get in trouble. So I kinda need to get myself out of this alone.

One person I knew on the internet knew about my getting high back in March or so, but I don't wanna try and talk to her about it in case she hates me or something. 'Cause I think she is under the impression that I'd stopped for good? I don't know.

Rambling aside, thanks for reading this, and any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[Guest Robin Winter]

If you know of an organization that is in place for youth aid, you should contact them. For example, we have here in Canada the Youth Help Line, a number children and young adults can call for pretty much any and every problem, and it's completely safe, completely private. Find something like that for your area and contact them.

My only advice is that is NOT healthy for you. I'm no professional and I won't pretend to be, but I don't want you hurting yourself. Find someone you can talk to.

[MaryEllen]

Are you aware that prolonged use of dextromethorphan and diphenhydramine can wreck your health and/or kill you? Have you considered the possibility that this activity could land you in a nursing home in a vegetative state for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? I think not. Sure it will give you a momentary high but when it wears off you're right back where you started. You have an addiction and the sooner you get treatment for it, the better. Sooner or later your parents will find out. Better tell them now before it's too late. I'm not going to sugar coat any advice for you. You have a serious problem. Do the right thing and get help. Whether it be your parents, counselor, minister or a therapist. Just do it. I'm sure you'd like to have a long, happy, productive life. You can have this but you have to take steps to make this so.

MaryEllen

[MackenzieB]

I very frequently get myself high by drinking cough syrup (containing dextromethorphan and/or diphenhydramine, not codeine). I do it nearly every day I'm at school, and sometimes on weekends, too. I keep trying to talk myself out of doing it but it won't work. I even got high on my birthday, and now I don't remember most of what happened that day! D:

And then there are days when I decide that I definitely won't do it, but then I do. Today was one of them, I had this fight with myself and then I did it in the end.

I've been doing this nearly every day since September 3rd, and before that I did it at least twice a week from around January to April. I had to try and stop three times before I managed, and that didn't even last long.

I don't know if that means I have a problem or not. I'm not doing anything illegal, and nothing bad has happened as a result of it yet, though I am getting slightly lower grades than I used to.

Yes, It does seem like you may have a problem. If it took you 3 attempts to quit, that should be evident to you that you are not exactly winning this battle. You state "nothing bad has happened as a result of it yet". Are you waiting for something bad to happen before stopping? Some people quit, some wait until something bad makes them realize what they're doing and some just end up dead. Three choices and only one good answer. Please don't do that to yourself.

I keep getting these random realizations, where I'm just like "Wow, this is actually happening to me. I'm actually getting myself high with drugs, and this is real and not fictional or imaginary!" or when I'm like "Maybe needing to drink half a bottle of cough syrup every day before school isn't normal."

But then other times I'm just like "This is the best thing in the world! How could I ever even think about not doing it?"

So I don't know if I'm looking for advice or help or what. I am not going to tell my parents, by the way. No matter what, I'm not going to tell them, so don't tell me to do that. And I can't talk to any teachers in school, or the nurse or counselor, because they'd tell my mum and get in trouble. So I kinda need to get myself out of this alone.

Sorry to say this but you're going to have to discuss this with somebody. You've tried to quit, YOUR METHOD APPARENTLY DID NOT WORK. Asking for help is nothing to feel ashamed about. Perhaps there's a Narcotics Anonymous meeting you could go to? Cough syrup may or may not damage you permanently, but an addictive personality can.

Please, get help!

One person I knew on the internet knew about my getting high back in March or so, but I don't wanna try and talk to her about it in case she hates me or something. 'Cause I think she is under the impression that I'd stopped for good? I don't know.

Rambling aside, thanks for reading this, and any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[VickySGV]

While your drugs of choice are not mine, still, I have had the same type of experience that you are having. I'll put my nickle in from the other side though, and say that if you want a number of freedoms that you say you no longer have in life, then you do need to admit that you have a serious problem and need help. If you want freedom from something that is making your life a problem, ask for help. If you want freedom from something you admit you are powerless to stop, ask for help. If you want the freedom to get away from something that will ruin your health, ask for help. These are things that prove you have an imprisoning addiction and need help. You are not free of whatever the chemical is and will not be until you get help. I am part of a 12 step group, and I have experience with other types of Chemical Dependency Recovery Groups. Some of the CDR groups are covered by your family's health insurance, and will also involve your parents and siblings since they will have to be part of your recovery from this addiction issue, and you may help your siblings (if any) avoid your problem. You are not to blame, you are just enough different from other people that it happens. The freedom from all of this is beyond any effort it takes.

On a hopeful note, my health plan's CDR program is the one that lead me into Gender Therapy and to a lot of happiness. We can open the recovery circle for you now. Come on in dear.

[Carolyn Marie]

Starlight, I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice you have already received here.

I will just say this - however you feel about the advice, whether you agree with it or not, whether you agree that you have an addiction or not, all I ask is that you continue coming here and posting and giving us updates and telling us how things are going.

We care about you, and want only the best for you. If transition is your goal, you will not succeed as long as you are addicted, or if you make yourself sick. We may be able to help you, hon, but before we can, you have to want that help. It is in your hands.

(((HUGGSSS)))

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Starlight53a]

Starlight, I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice you have already received here.

I will just say this - however you feel about the advice, whether you agree with it or not, whether you agree that you have an addiction or not, all I ask is that you continue coming here and posting and giving us updates and telling us how things are going.

We care about you, and want only the best for you. If transition is your goal, you will not succeed as long as you are addicted, or if you make yourself sick. We may be able to help you, hon, but before we can, you have to want that help. It is in your hands.

(((HUGGSSS)))

Carolyn Marie

Giving updates is easy.

Thanks for the hugs and nice words. And thanks everyone for all the replies.

To be honest, I don't even remotely want to stop. Well, I guess remotely. But not really.

But for some reason I feel like I should stop, so I'm attempting to and I feel like I'm going insane. For the last three years or so, I've just been hopping from one form of self-harm to another. This one is just the most recent. I don't yet know what the main problem is ('cause obviously there must be something that makes me feel the need to hurt myself or get away from reality) so I can't really fix it.

The only reason I'm attempting to stop now (and not forever, either) is because someone told me I couldn't, so I wanna prove them wrong to show that I'm not addicted and can stop by myself by stopping for a week and then going back to it. 'Cause I don't know what exactly I'd do if I didn't go back to it, I'd start making myself pass out every day or something (I did that for a few months the summer before last).

My conclusion: I'm insane or something. But I don't care.

*hugs* to you nice people for being nice enough to say nice-sounding things to me. xD That is, thanks for the replies.

Now, a question: Every few weeks, I go to a "family therapist" whatever exactly that means. And me and my mum just sit there and talk to him and achieve nothing. Should I tell my family therapist person about this, or no? I was considering it a few days ago, but everything felt crazy and out of control then. It somehow doesn't now. If I was to tell him, I'd just say that I'd done it one time like 6 months ago and that I hadn't done it since, and then if he didn't tell my mum that, then I might tell him that I actually did it recently too. And then if he does tell my mum, she can't really get mad at me or punish me too much for something that happened forever ago, so I think that's a good plan, if I do it at all.

[VickySGV]

Absolutely tell the therapist!! It will not surprise him, nor terribly dismay him, In fact he may have been sitting there waiting for this to come out. This will give a huge picture of what is going on with you, and may give him new ways to REALLY HELP you so that you no longer see self harm as something to desire. No guarantees, but you don't have a chance of winning if you don't bet on it.

[Guest mia 1]

yes if you are going to a therapist...tell him/her and get it out....that is the first step....fortunately you live in a Country that recognizes alcohol and drug addiction as a disease...take advantage of your enlightened society and do not become a victim...a dead victim...or one who is going to spend many birthdays in penal care for a crime you don’t even remember committing.

Mia

[Guest Juniper Blue]

We all care about you. I think that it is good to look at why you are feeling the need to use this drug. I hope that you find the help that you need and can get the support to stop.