What Happen To Me

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

1994 my life fell totally apart in California it was a very painful experience i thought at the time it was. The use of drugs and alcohol or anything to escape to oblivion. I went to two detoxes, attempted suicide. Lost everything even my self respect. I became a Ghost especially after they prescribe me anti depressant.

I went to AA after the last detox. Hoping for an answer to my life and my loneliness. I was not ready and i did what an alcoholic does who has not had enough yet. I did my own program. I got well and i left California and headed for the east coast to start over with what i took from AA those few months i attended meeting. My sponsor at the time said to me "Take this Big Book with you, Your going to need it one day. I know your not going to read it but use it as a door stop. I left with all confidence that i had this beat.

I hit the East Coast and i was drinking within a month. I thought i could forget that i was a transvestite. I had all the answer to live a normal life. I had the drive to win my wife back and be the man she wanted. Needless to say i forgot i was delusional. I started drinking to forget, to get my arrogance back and to get a prestiges position to show the wife i was worthy. Everything she wanted I went out and got. My life look pretty good on the outside. That lie lasted for 8 years.

I remember when i got that prestiges position in 1998. The gig was up. I prayed to that GOD that i hated with all my heart" Please get me sick already, Im tired"

At that time i was drinking a fifth of scotch a day to be Normal. I remember sitting down on that couch seeking oblivion watching my son's play on the living room floor. I remember the feeling of that dark Cloak of despair resting on my shoulder and i surrenderer to the weight of it just existing a ghost.

The next few years i sat on that couch drinking and not caring. I want death at this point and was praying that an accident would occur where my three boys would be taken care of. The hate i had started affecting my relationship with my wife. I drank and thought. I drank and dreamed. I drank and wish i was anybody except for me. I was tormented endlessly that i was a girl.

Finally things started happening to me. GOD kept showing up in my life in 2002. I was in a series of accidents and i did not die. People use to comment how lucky i was. GOD protects Alcoholic and Fool's. I was both.

I ruined the Xmas of 2002 I thank GOD that what i had planned did not work. the spring of 2003 the argument started between me and the wife. That lasted for six month. I bruise my kidney in march on the last vacation we had as a family. I started urinating blood at that time and did not got to the doctor. Instead my mind kept telling me over and over that she is cheating on me again. I obsess over that and the hate grew.

I remember going to the therapist in September 2003. The first one said so what .."my son is a trans person too and you need to get sober to deal with it". The second one told me that he would do shock treatment on me to kill the girl in me. I was done at this time because i did not go to the doctor for my kidney it started shutting down. I drop like 60 lbs in two months. Could not even drink water and the infection was ravaging my body. My mind kept playing over and over she is cheating on me.

15 October 2003, after that three day argument where things were said that should not had every been said to one another. Things were said to destroy. I don't remember what i said. (go figure) I do remember the last thing she said "your just jealous because you can't be me". I remember taking a step towards her blinded by rage.

That is when the kidney shut down and i hit the floor unable to move. I remember being taking outside of my body and shown my life. I was horrified!!!!

It was an out of body experience what i was shown just destroyed me. THANK GOD. I went to the freeway to die after that. I figure it would happen at this time i had the shakes so bad and the infection was running through my body.

I waited three days on the freeway. GOD, came to me and said i was not going to die. I was peed. It was the loneliness on that third day that drove me to AA. I did not want to die alone on the freeway like a dog. So i went to AA to be around people. My plan was to keel over in a meeting where i would not be alone.

My plan did not work. They took care of me in AA...I'm glad and grateful. Touch by the hand of GOD!!! GRACE and HOPE

[MaryEllen]

Wow! Bobbi,

To have hit bottom and yet be able to come back. That is truly amazing. I just goes to show what the power of God can really do. You are awesome.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[Guest angie]

Hi Bobbi,

That God is by and on your side is evident.

I too went thorough some disaterous times at the end of my marriage.

Offing myself seemed to be the only way to end my pain.

Then i found God.

I am mentally far far healthier. Life is good,and i look forward to each and every day.

You came back from the edge of oblivion and are succeeding.

Good For You/Keep the Faith/All Will Turn Out Right In The End.

Remember,Only Good Can Come From Good.

Glad That You Are Back From The Edge.

Hugs,Angie.

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

Thanks, hon

that's one of my favorite prayer's "GOD GOD GOD"

I'm grateful that i was broken and at my worse i received help from a POWER above. I'm living a life today that i could never imagine. Mind you i still act like a child some day's.

[Guest shalley]

whin your on rock bottem your on solid ground well thats what my sponcer says you i think she right

[Guest Phoenix]

Thanks, hon

that's one of my favorite prayer's "GOD GOD GOD"

I'm grateful that i was broken and at my worse i received help from a POWER above. I'm living a life today that i could never imagine. Mind you i still act like a child some day's.

Hi. Um... Well at the moment I am at/in a conundrum... I have been on anti anxiety medication for 24 days... then I stopped because I ran out of pills and I was only supposed to take it until the anti depressant kicked in.. The psychiatrist said that it could cause dependancy... but dammit I never thought it would be this hard... This is my 3rd day after my last dosage and the withdrawal symtptoms are horrible, pair that with tonsilitis, dehydration, and dhiarreah and you have got one very frustrated person. So tomorrow I am going to see my psych. about it. I have to choose. Choose between taking the pill again and risking higher dependency... or braving through this hell on my own with the support of only my friends...

And idk... I try to believe that god really cares about me. I hear about how god helped other people. But I just cant seem to get out of the pit. Because of conflicting points of view between what my family says god is and what I understand god is (concerning being tg). And I try really hard to do all I can so that god will have mercy on me... But it just never seems to happen. Sure I have done some bad things in the past, but thats over now. Why am I still forsaken, then?

[Guest angie]

Good Day Phoenix,

By the way,one of my favorite x-men or women.

I have a place where you can go to order a book answering your questions about God....

Your faith and hopefully bring you reconciliation within your spirit.

And the churches attitude on us as transsexuals.

It is (The Grace And Lace News Letter)

And online publication for Transsexual Women Of Faith.

And Those Looking For Answers.

Go to Julie's Blog...And you will see.

That she will send you a book free of charge.

Titled:Blessed By God.

One of the authors is; Becky Allison...That's Dr.Becky.

Check it out,

Hope it does you some real good.

Hugs,Angie.

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

24 hours is a long day when detoxing. It is too much for some to do it all by themselves. The pain and the mental anguish can be totally unbearable.

The suggested method of Detoxing is under medical supervision. Withdrawal can harm you.

I detox in the halls of AA. I had people around who knew what i was going through and they provided me with love and comfort until the shake stopped. I had a shut down kidney at the time and was being observed by a DR. I remember just going to meeting and the people would hug me and the shakes would stop for a few minutes. The Power of the Human Touch.

I did not have to worried about GOD or anything those first few weeks in AA. That came later after the physical pain of detoxing was over.

If you want to know what happen to me after the physical pain was gone. Just ask me

"anything worthwhile doing will hurt like hell" hang in there Don't stop right before the Miracle happens........

[Guest Phoenix]

Angie: I couldn't find "Julia's Blog" could you give me a link?

My Psych, told me that she had said to cut the pills in half and then take the halves once I was running low on them. But either she didn't really say that or I completely forgot.. Anyways she gave me a prescription for 3 and told me to cut them in half and take them once per night. Then after that things should get better... The thing is that she also upped the dose on my anti-depressant... I now take 30mgs... Instead of 20. For the last 2 days there have been instances when I feel weird and desperate... I don't know if thats part of my body getting used to the higher dosage.. Also, I have been getting more acne on my face, which is getting annoying. But whatever, it will not last forever.

Bobbi: What happened after the physical pain was gone?

[Guest angie]

Hey Phoenix,

I was thinking of a trans woman here in town when i gave you the name.Oooopppppssss.

The woman's name on Lace And Grace is (Julie).

It takes time to adjust to a different milligram of your antidepressants.

Really uncomfortable until you do,i understand.

And if your breaking out tell your doc.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hugs,

Angie.

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

Bobbi: What happened after the physical pain was gone?

The Mental and Emotional stuff starts...

They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/doctors_opinion.html passage is from the Big Book

Hon i was raw, sober and Hurt.. The old way did not work for me anymore. I discovered drinking alcohol was how i cope with LIFE.

I had to learn a new way quick to cope with life. I was awake for the first time and everything was loud. bright aand overwhelming.

The people in AA held my hand and taught me how to stand up and walk. Some of it was unpleasant but, someone was there to encourage or kick me.

Then they started talking about a Power greater than myself...My own conception..How to fire the old god that has never work for me ya da ya da..

hugs,

[Guest Rachael92]

I wept whilst reading your story here Robin and I am not being melowdramatic....Just SO much identification with you....I was never going to stay clean and sober unless I got my head around the fact that I am Transexual...today is a good day!! x