I'm scared

[~Nova~]

Not much scares me. I'm not afraid of dying, heck I've even wished it upon myself many times, but the thought of SRS is scary to me. It's not the permanence or the loss of a body part, but the surgery itself scares me. I'm not sure why.

I have had multiple surgeries, bilateral shoulder repairs, bilateral inguinal hernia repair and some others, but for some reason, this scares me.

So girls, tell me it's just surgery and you recover just like any other surgery. Pain, I'm fine with pain so that is not an issue.

Autumn

[JJ]

Funny how some aspect will sometimes hit us that way. Mine is the name change and going to court. Makes no sense. I used to have to testify in court frequently. And grew up in a household where judges were frequent guests so I have no fear of the court itself or of judges. Just something symbolic in the name change that I haven't figured out yet. But suspect that it is a fear of failure. What if I make that leap and then I find I can't do this after all? What if I have been fooling myself after all. All that nonsense that I don't believe for a minute consciously and rationally but this is on an irrational reactionary level. There is also the aspect that having done that I think my need and drive to get surgery I cannot afford may become almost overwhelming. Once I have my name IRL I will feel I have to have my body too. I don't want to let myself that desperately want something I may never be able to have. I've had enough of that kind of misery in my life already.

I suspect your fear may also be that SRS is symbolic. Not probably of the same things my name change is but still a displacement of other fears.

Of course that is just my armchair psychology, but that's my guess anyway.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest KimberlyF]

I'd think this is the kind of thing a support group would be helpful in getting to the bottom of your feelings. Why afraid of something you aren't even in the process of sched?

[Drea]

Not much scares me. I'm not afraid of dying, heck I've even wished it upon myself many times, but the thought of SRS is scary to me. It's not the permanence or the loss of a body part, but the surgery itself scares me. I'm not sure why.

I suspect it would be good to figure out why you feel this. If you have had surgery before and surgery itself doesn't scare you, then why SRS does is a very good question. Nobody can tell you why your feeling this. As always a good subject to bring up in therapy. For many however that can be a difficult due to fear that it would cause therapist to question if one should have surgery, but having fears is not abnormal so bringing it up won't make a difference and it will demonstrate readiness if that is the decision.

Is it a surgery you feel you need? Is it a surgery you desperatly want? Or is it just a confirmation of self? Or just to get documents changed? Or not important but just to be complete?

SRS is never required. If it is not something important to you, maybe it isn't worth bothering with?

In many ways, it is like any other surgery. Your lights go out, surgeon does his stuff, you wake up, and then recover over a period of weeks.

In other ways, rather than the surgery being done to restore something in your body that has stopped working or simple cosmetic change, this is a case of altering part of your body in a way that pernamently changes some functions. Unless you deem it unimportant, you are also signing on to performing some long term care as well (dialation).

While SRS can be a big thing for those who need, others don't. One shouldn't push oneself into it unless the reasons are clear. Some anxiety and fear is understandable, but one should understand the roots of that.

The last thing you want is that fear to turn out to be is your subconcious trying to tell you that you don't need or don't really want it it and press forward into having surgery anyway.

[Carolyn Marie]

Autumn, I agree with Drea on this. She makes some really good points.

Bottom line is, talk to your therapist about it. There is a root cause, I'm sure, and you need to figure it out.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

OK, I have an envelope sitting about six inches away from me, I am telling myself I have to wait to mail it until I know one check I deposited yesterday has cleared my account. That is a bunch of baloney really, since my letter will not be received at the other end until Friday at the earliest and the deposit will be verified by tonight. The envelope contains my check to reserve a date for SRS with a doctor I consulted last month. In fact I have been dragging my feet for a month. Mailing the letter is something that I know I will do, but there is a little bit of hesitancy to do it because I know that once it is done, a part of my life will be over, and I cannot ever look forward to it again. I have the same attitude toward the SRS itself, I know that once done, a part of my life that has become almost exciting as I get near to the time is going to be over and done, never to happen again. What things are going to replace the excitement and emotions I have had since I realized that my transition and self becoming could really happen? Those are the things that scare me. When something that solves and finishes a puzzle that has been sitting incomplete on a table for 58 years has the last piece put in place, what happens to the puzzle?? My whole life has been buitlt on confusion and uncertainty leading up to this, I don't know any other life. What will the new one be? Part of me knows that not much will change in the big picture, but I love myself now, and am worried and a bit scared of what could happen after the honeymoon is over.

[Guest John Chiv]

Autumn,

I hope with the help of a therapist you are able to figure out why you are scared. And we are always here to listen.

John

[Paula ult]

Autumn, Drea gave you good advise, please listen to her.

You already know this from the other surgeries you have had, this is major surgery, between 4 - 5 hours long, it is the same as the others in that you go to sleep one minute then seemingly wake up the next, pain is subjective and depends on your pain tolerance, within 24 hours i was off the morphine pump and rarely took any pain medication, for a couple months after your surgery your daily life will seemingly revolve around dilation, after that the number of dilation's is reduced depending on what surgeon you go to and their schedule.

I felt good enough to participate in a 18 hole charity golf outing about 10 weeks after surgery, at just over 4 months i was back to riding my bike, today at almost 6 months i feel great, though i can tell i am still healing.

It is best to find out why you feel the way you do.

Paula

[Guest Leah1026]

Many it's the finality of it? Up until now you could always reverse could if you had to. After SRS there is essentially no going back. SRS, like marriage, is a lifetime committment. So being nervous, or even fearful, is not unexpected.

Speak with your therapist about this.

[~Nova~]

Thank you all. The words are true and accurate.

On my drive home last night I realized why I was scared. It hit my like a semi. SELFISHNESS.

The last 8mths have revolved around me and my transition. Buy this. Do that. Group here and therapy there. Money for laser or electrolysis. Everything.

After I got home, changed and took off my makeup, I sat down with Lucy and talked about it. We talked about the things we planned to do when we bought the house. We talked about our future. We talked about my surgery. We laughed, we cried, but mostly we came to an agreement. I can live without the surgery for a while.

When I bought the house I promised Lucy that within 5 years we would upgrade the kitchen. The house is 50 years old and I doubt it has ever been done. It's time. I was planning on using that money for my surgery. Lucy was in agreement, but I could tell she wasn't happy. Well, last night I realized how selfish I was being.

We decided I will get an orchi so I don't have to take the spiro and clothes would fit a bit better, and after a year or two, we will have paid for the kitchen and I can get my surgery.

It's give and take. I've taken and taken, now I'm giving.

Thank you all for your kindness and for waking me up. Drea, you said what I felt very well.

Autumn